Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011 and Zachary November 2013.
Expecting another rainbow August 2016.

Diary of an Angel Mother, Rainbow Mother.
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Lucas Elias Morgan

The day before you were born. 
Last Tuesday we arrived at the hospital not knowing if Lucas was actually going to be born on that day at all anymore. Pre-Op on the Monday revealed that there wasn’t a SCBU bed currently available and that without one my c-section wouldn’t be able to go ahead, just in case a 36 week grown Luc needed a little more support. But bed situations can change quickly and we were told to come in at 7.30am Tuesday morning anyway. So we did, already nil-by-mouth (on the hottest day of the year so far!) not knowing if it was really going to be the day after all. 

It was a long day. But luck was in and at 11.30am we were told a baby was being discharged on SCBU and a bed would be available for Lucas at around 1.00pm so we would be taken to theatre at around 1.30pm.  Then the wait got longer as an emergency needed my slot. But finally, at 4.00pm we made it into theatre and Little’s journey into the world began. The operation was smooth, and unlike last time blood loss was normal and no drain or pressure bandages were needed to control the situation. Phew!

A few hours after you were born.

You at exactly a week old, to the minute!

Fast forward a week and our new Little is already over a week old. 9 days old today. Time seems to speed by faster and faster with each baby I’ve had. Apart from currently being back in hospital (I came over very poorly Tuesday afternoon and was readmitted with probable infection, but feeling much better now after antibiotics and will be home again later today…), it has been a wonderful week; meeting our tiny little boy and getting to know him.

He is absolute perfection and we were totally besotted from the moment we laid eyes on him. Isn’t it remarkable how much hearts can grow with each baby that joins the family?! A family now bursting with rainbows, I feel so lucky to have these three beautiful boys, my boys, and brand new Lucas has definitely stolen the hearts of his Mummy, Daddy and big brothers. I’ve been so proud of Big and Small. Both of them have been so loving and gentle, so interested in their new baby brother. Both of them wanting to hold him whenever they get the opportunity.

Three Little Rainbows
Xander has so naturally cradled him in his arms on the sofa, watching TV and gently caring and stroking his head while he’s held him. He is so proud to be the biggest boy and able to look after his baby brother.

Zac loves that Luc is ‘tickling him’ while he’s holding him – Luc’s little arms waving around and catching Zac in the face, and making him laugh. Zac has been less impressed with Luc’s cries though – telling me he doesn’t like it.

And it is still hard to believe this little baby is the last that will be mine. Already I want time to slow down, just a little. So I can savour every moment of my last new-born days. Oh Little Lucas. How you will be spoiled. My baby.

Lucas Elias Morgan, you were born on Tuesday 19th July 2016, at 16.32, weighing a surprising 7lb 6oz (initially anyway…) and 50cm long. The shortest and smallest of all of you boys!

Only seconds old!

You made a very beautiful and noisy arrival, shouting and crying instantly and keeping it going far longer than I remember your brother’s crying after birth. You cried all the way through your check over with the baby doctor and didn’t really calm down until you were wrapped up and back in my arms. You didn’t need that SCBU bed they were reserving for you, just in case. You were just perfect and fine and wonderful.

We spent a few days in hospital, giving Mummy the chance to recover from the big operation, you a few days to adjust to the world and us both the chance to learn how to feed together. Then on Friday 22nd we were ready, and Daddy, Xander and Zac all came to collect us from the hospital so we could take all of our rainbow babies home together.

Going home with all of ours Rainbows

Unfortunately, you lost a lot of weight in those first few days, almost 12% and over the ‘acceptable’ loss limit. Meaning we were flagged straight away for extra midwife visits. But we were still waiting for my milk to be properly in (which always has come in later than most) and play catch up, but you haven’t gained really again since. So at just over a week old you are a tiny little 6lb 9oz.

At the moment no-one can really explain why you are not picking up the weight. It is probable that your 7lb 6oz was slightly artificially high in the first place and you haven’t really lost as much as it looks; Mummy was on a drip for a lot of the day waiting to be taken to theatre with you and apparently it is surprising how much of the fluid passes through to baby in a short space of time, making you puffy and ounces heavier than you might’ve been that day otherwise.  

Your latch and attachment have been checked and are good, my milk supply has been checked and is plentiful. All your cues and signs are spot on – you are alert and active, bright eyed, lovely tone. You are flying through wet and dirty nappies. You are well and happy, waking yourself two-three hourly to be fed. There is nothing to suggest there is a problem. On the whole you are breastfeeding well and it is a mystery why you’ve not gained when I’m being told we’re doing everything right. Its so frustrating, and a bit disheartening, and daily weigh-ins are becoming a little bit stressful.

 It could be because you are slightly premature and need a bit longer to catch up and get over this blip. But at the moment you’re being topped up with 10ml of expressed milk after a feed. Which you hate, and don’t want. But it is in effort for you to start a little weight gain.  Maybe you will just naturally be a slow gainer.

At a week old you are wearing early baby up to 7lb size clothes comfortably, even quite roomy. You feel so small when your brothers went straight into newborn up to 10lb clothes! Although I expect as soon as you start gaining you will jump straight into the next size!

At a week old your favourite things are milk, Mummy and cuddles. You love to be tucked into my top and sleep right against my chest.  So far you have made it pretty clear you are less than impressed with nappy changes and absolutely hate the idea of a bath! We think you’re going to be a thumb-sucker – already we’ve caught you sucking away lots of times and your little hands are always up by your face; just like they were in nearly all of my scans.

Night-times have been variable, but more or less the expected kind of nights from a newborn. You’re currently averaging around three get-me-ups between 11pm and 6am (and there have been more too!) Not totally terrible at all, but I do feel pretty exhausted after a week now! The trickiest part is settling you back into your Moses after a feed. I’ll admit many a time there has been Mummy giving up on the idea and letting you sleep where you feel safe and reassured instead.  

In those first few hours with you I kept seeing all of your siblings in you. Different looks, different angles and flashes of all of your siblings are in you. You have such delicate small features baby boy. I’m biased of course but you beautiful. Such a pretty baby. You do indeed look very much like Zachy especially out of your brothers when he was born. But even more so, you look like Belle. You look more like Belle than either Xander or Zachy did.  Others have said the same to me. It has been quite breath-taking at times, and incredibly emotional at others. You’ll learn lots about your big sister as you grow.

You are our third rainbow baby, Lucas, I know we pushed our luck to have you and you’re here safe and sound and I couldn’t be more grateful. You’re so incredibly precious, and perfect and Mummy couldn’t be more in love with you.

My darling tiny boy. You’ve completed our rainbow family.


Sunday, 10 July 2016

The End Of All Pregnancies

Our 32+4 week bump - the biggest milestone day.
We're into July and the month our little Lucas is going to be born; we're mere days away from his planned arrival now. It feels so close, almost within touching distance. But still so so far.  

Today I am 34+6 weeks and by most timelines half way through the third trimester now. But for me and the plan we're nearing the end.

I'm in a strange place of wanting the days to speed by, when anxiety is getting the better of me and I'm convincing myself he has gone. For everything to keep going to plan, smoothly and with no surprises, to just have him out and in our arms, home, breathing and screaming and growing like his brothers. But it still seems so far, knowing he could still be taken from me in a moment. 

And then on the other hand these are the last few days I will ever be pregnant. And then I want the days to slow down, just a little. So I can soak up this lovely bump, feeling him kick from the inside, watching him move. Knowing he is the very last little baby I will grow. 

Third trimester has been kinder to me in some way to previous pregnancies, but much harder in others.  There have been a few incidents of me winding myself up about his movements and on the verge of ringing for a reassurance visit, only for him to have a kick around as I'm reaching for my phone. Already the little monkey. 

June was as emotionally horrendous as I anticipated it might be. I couldn't really pull apart what was 'that' amount of pregnancy related vs. Belle's birthday and grief related but I spent much of the month feeling panicky and unwell in myself. It was a long few weeks but thankfully since her birthday I've calmed down a lot again and have been feeling much more on a even keel. 

But this third trimester I've been lucky so far to escape any overnight hospital stays (touching wood for these final days); there has been no dramas that have needed me to rush to the hospital outside of my regular routine visits and for that I am thankful. Our family, our other little boys need that relative calm. 

Lucas is growing well, although slower now than the other boys and seems to be tracking a similar size to his sister - at least he was estimated only a few ounces heavier than she was at her 32 week birth vs. his 32 week scan. A scan earlier this week is still predicting a smaller baby at birth, compared to Big and Small. I cannot quite believe it after a whopper of a Xander Big (36+2 weeks and 8lb 13oz) and a smaller but still fairly sizable Zachy Small (37+2 weeks and 7lb 9oz) - but all measurements over the last six weeks have suggested he is going to much smaller again.

This week I even went out and bought a few smaller newborn/early baby clothes to pack in the hospital bag for Lucas to wear, figuring the newborn/up to one month we had stock of will be ridiculously enormous on him by current birth weight estimations! 

But saying that I do feel somewhat smaller at this stage compared to how I remember feeling with the other boys. I've certainly carried a little differently this time. I keep being told you cannot tell I am pregnant from the back and Lucas is all out the front, in a round beach-ball shape and carrying lower than I have before. Maybe that is my muscles giving up on me and unable to hold this a 4th time bump up anymore! 

My pelvis has struggled hugely with this pregnancy. The pelvic girdle pain that started the day of my last pregnancy update hasn't gone away.  Although some days have been better and easier than others, and the bump belt from physiotherapy has helped - I have been forced to slow down and accept that my body cannot cope with full on busy days. As a result of pelvic weakness and the increased tear/rupture risks in the third trimester this pregnancy I've been signed off work since. Any busy day means I pay for it in the evening and the next day, and I'm really at the stage now where any length of walk or climbing the stairs leaves me feeling in quite significant discomfort, especially if the walk has involved any sort of upwards incline. Honestly, between this and the constant feeling of exhaustion sometimes I feel like an old woman and have definitely found this pregnancy the most physically challenging and difficult out of the four. 

Heartburn has been getting worse over the last two weeks after barely being an issue up until now. Still mild in comparison to Zachy's pregnancy but now enough to see me reaching for the Rennie's sweets after most meals and disturbing my sleep (along with the usual discomfort disturbing sleep and multiple trips to the toilet!) I still feel fortunate to have got to nearly the end without it being as horrendous as last time though! Even now at 34 weeks I'm still having the odd morning where I'm getting up feeling horrendously nauseous and still vomiting on occasion too. The latest into a pregnancy where morning sickness has continued to feature - although mildly now - and I've basically accepted it is clearly here to stay until the end. I'm dreading my c-section morning and being nil-by-mouth because the only thing that really settles the yuckiness is a little breakfast. 

So we're nearly there, but I'm becoming increasingly nervous of the major operation ahead of me. There is no other way and he has to come out of course, but suddenly the enormity of being sliced open again and the pain and recovery afterwards is feeling a bit overwhelming. I'm anxious about the previous scar tissue, the potential tearing issue and the amount of bleeding that led to the pressure bandages and drain being left in in my last operation and how horrific it was when said drain was removed. Oh how I hope that isn't needed again! 

I'm nervous about his slightly premature birth, even with the steroids to prepare him. I'm hoping that he of course escapes the need for a stay in SCBU, not really sure how I will react if that becomes a reality and I'm separated from him, but knowing that nothing is guaranteed. Mostly we're just waiting with baited breath for those beautiful just born cries. 

And then afterwards. Oh how I feel like I've forgotten everything there is to know about a newborn and wondering how on earth I'll survive the sleep deprivation with two bigger boys plus school runs! I'm glad we have the summer holidays of allowed lazy and slow mornings to adjust to a new baby before a full on back to normal September with Big starting full-time school. 

Days to go and our house is not ready. Some serious nesting needs to start happening this week! Car seats and other newly bought baby equipment still sit in boxes not ready. The only ready thing is our hospital bags and his little wardrobe of clothes - and by his, I mean two drawers in my wardrobe we've emptied and re- oganised for him because a nursery is still a long way off this time. The big boys' bedroom needs revamping first so we can reclaim the nursery furniture for Luc! 

How differently the urgency is to get these things ready from first to final child - when I look back at how organised we were for Belle, and indeed Xander, and somewhat Zac. My standards of preparation are clearly slipping! Poor last baby already even before he is born! 

We're nearly there. I'm allowing myself to feel excited, I cannot wait to meet out littlest boy and see if his 4D scan lives up to how identical to his big brothers, especially Zac as a newborn, we're expecting him to be. 

And then I cannot believe we'll never be doing this again, despite the trauma and fear pregnancy has represented for us. Growing these babies and having these bumps has been so precious.

Our last baby and nearly into a new chapter of our lives over the next few years. Babies to children and beyond. 

Raising boys. 

Our little Luc coming to complete our beautiful set of rainbows. 

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Our Little Girl Was Six

After setting an alarm and getting out of bed at midnight to see Anabelle's birthday in, lighting her 00:08 arrival candle as we always do, the rest of the day started at 5.15am. Which is somewhat ironic. 

I imagine if Anabelle was here it may well have started at an equally obscene hour, but because someone would've been excited for her presents, (which would've been wrapped in a beautiful pile of parcels on the living room floor and not garden decorations sat in carrier bags by the front door ready to be taken to a cemetery), and not because her Small brother appeared to have woken up sobbing from a bad dream. 

So we were awake, all of us (Xander easily woken between 5-6 anyway, disturbed by Zac's cries) early, no-one resettled. Up.

And the 21st June, already emotionally charged, exhausting and difficult as it is, doesn't need tired toddlers, pre-schoolers and parents in the mix too. But we got through it, remarkably well considering that Small only napped for half an hour the entire day and Big not at all! 

Her birthday always seems hugely pressured. Like we're running out of time from the moment we get up in the morning. I'm never sure where it comes from or what it is really about. Maybe its the enormity of only having had her for just one day. One day where we tried to cram as much as we could into the twelve hours we held her in our arms after she was born. Maybe now we try and cram as much as we can into one day, her day.

Twelve hours was never enough time. 

This year the normal daily routine dominated the beginning of the day. Getting Alexander to school, Jon running errands, picking up flowers and a hospital appointment for me. (Lucas doing well and currently estimated a very similar size to Anabelle was at her 32 week birth). Then collecting Alexander from my parents, going to buy balloons and more flowers, and all of us going up to see Anabelle together. 

This year Alexander has asked so many questions. Questions a four year old boy shouldn't even have to think about. Why did Belle die? Where did she die? Where is she now? How can she catch the balloons we send her if she is dead? Is she growing into an angel? What does buried mean? Who is going to be the next to die? Is baby Luc going to die in your tummy too? 

Is baby Luc going to die in your tummy too? 

I don't know if we're answering any of these questions in the way we should. We try hard to be simple and factual most of the time. But sometimes its hard to be factual, and sometimes what we do is all about imagination, our memories, not really real and certainly makes no difference to Belle - like sending her balloons, or bubbles, singing happy birthday. Imagining her somewhere. And that is harder to explain. Xander must be so confused. 

We've tried to make Anabelle an authentic and ever present member of this family; Xander has always known about her, Zac is just beginning to grasp Belle is his sister and recognises her in her photos. But how do you explain any of this to a small child? 

At the moment Xander seems to grasp that someone dying is 'very sad' and seems to understand that is means that we can't see the person anymore. He understands Mummy and Daddy were/are very sad that his sister died, and often tells us that he misses Belle too. He seems to accept that even after someone has died we still love and remember them, and that we still love and remember Belle and that she is part of his family. He accepts what is, but is questioning the deeper meaning behind everything, and the answers are so complex for us as adults let alone him. 

And the worst thing out of all those questions is we cannot say no and promise that baby Luc won't die. We can't promise our small child that something terrible won't happen to his new baby brother. All we can do is tell him that the Doctors are looking after Mummy and Luc so closely and everything looks well at the moment and we really hope Luc will be come out of my tummy and home very soon, just like he and Zac did. 

And then tonight, in all his innocence, he said he hoped Luc would die, so that Belle would have a friend with her because he didn't want Belle to be lonely... 

Bittersweet. Our sweet thoughtful boy. 

Our precious baby girl. At six you're not really supposed to be a baby at all anymore. Sometimes I try to imagine you as the big girl you would be, just about finishing up Year 1 in school and starting your final year in the infants. But then I see your pictures, my tiny 4lb 5oz baby girl. Always my baby girl. Our only ever girl. 

I often wonder what you would make of all your little brothers. What a Queen B you would be if you were here with three little brothers to boss around. I reckon you would've been the apple of their eye, their one and only big sister.

Xander and Zac really enjoyed being part of your birthday yesterday. They enjoyed a play and a run around in your garden, arranged the flowers in the pot on your garden - totally all their work and nothing to do with me. They each chose a balloon for you. Xander wanted to send you a light pink circle balloon and Zachy chose a bright pink star balloon. They released them into the sky for you and watched them float away. Zachy didn't really understand though and was very upset when his balloon had gone; he is only two and a half and we didn't really explain very well he couldn't get the balloon back after he had let it go. 

At home they were both very pleased we had bought you a cake. Xander helped me count out six candles because he knew you were six and both of them blew out the candles after they had sung happy birthday to you. In fact we had to do it twice at Zac's insistence!

And then before they went to bed (and read your story Guess How Much I Love You and another story to help the boys understand what happened and why you're not here), everyone made you a fairy garden altogether. Daddy built the fairy house, your brothers filled the garden with soil, and added a rainbow path and a pond, and everyone sprinkled some fairy dust. Xander is very interested in how the grass seed he sprinkled on the soil is going to grow. 

The fairy in the garden is called Belle too. We knew it was the perfect present this year when we saw it. 

It amazes me that somehow six whole years have gone by since we held you. So often it feels like no time at all. Other times I can't believe your brothers are fast approaching five and three and that you have another brother very nearly here too. What a busy six years. Six years where we've missed you every day and loved you every day. Remembered you every day. 

It is so hard knowing that if things were as they should be we would have a six year old girl heading up this brood of babies.  You've no idea how much we wish it was different. That we had all of you together. An even bigger and busier chaotic mess. 

What would it be like to be six? 

What would you be doing now? Would you be able to swim and flying through your 'Wave' badges? Would you be doing gymnastics, or dancing, or theatre groups, or learning to play an instrument, or a sport? Would you like princesses and fairies? What would your favourite colour be? How would you like to dress? What would be your favourite toy? Would you be into this Shopkins that I hear so much about and little girls at the moment? What would your favourite story be? Your favourite programme on the TV? Would you enjoy school? Who would your best friend be? 

So many questions that can never be known. A whole life robbed from you and robbed from us. 

But we tried to make your birthday special darling girl. In the only way we can and know how. Surrounding you and your brothers in love and pink and hoping we got it right for a big six year old girl. 

Always loved, always missed, always everything. Always xXx 

"You don't really die until everyone that ever remembered you dies too." 

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Six Years

Anxiety is peaking, as it always does this time of year.  

I've been reacting as violently to her birthday as I always do. 

This year it seems to be a sense of panic and constant nausea and sickness is how the physical aspect of grief is manifesting itself. I feel ill in waves, exhausted and drained in waves. I'm starting the day feeling ok, and by the evening I'm done in. Totally done in. 

I'm struggling to separate what is pregnancy related, being that amount of pregnant again, being that amount of pregnant again at the same time of the year as I was with Belle, and what is purely her birthday related. Realistically I know it is all inter-related. Feeling ill, exhausted and drained is as typical of an increasingly heavily pregnant woman as it is symptomatic of grief. 

June is always so hard and I feel like I'm stuck on repeat.  

The usual downward spiral to these few days. The days between the day she died and the day she was born. Limbo days. 

Anabelle's remember day last week was especially hard for some reason this year. I don't remember feeling so utterly drowned by it last year. Maybe I was. Thursday there was lots of lying down, feeling so unwell, and violently vomiting by tea time. Drained. An evening spent with constant palpitations and an ever rising panic in my chest. Tighter. Tighter. 

Six years on and a date remains so so powerful. 

These few days I'm struggling to calm myself down. A sensation of on the verge of panic has remained there is waves. 

Today I've been at my best for days. Tonight I feel ok. 

Tomorrow is the day before her day. 

As usual the build up to Anabelle's birthday feels too much. Just too much. 

And this year I'm 32 weeks pregnant at the same time. 

Just as I was six years ago. 

Six years. 

Thursday, 16 June 2016

Boy Small @ Two and a Half

Our Small one is two and a half.

And he really is still our Small! At two and a half Zachary is the same height and the same weight that Alexander was at 18 months - a whole year of difference! Alexander never felt big; but it is getting pretty clear that Zachary has picked up a whole lot of Villars genes from my side when it comes to growth! So at two and a half he is still more than comfortable in 18-24 months clothes, some are even a touch on the big side on him! Currently I'm hoping he has a growth spurt into 2-3 clothes before January at least, so I can find some school uniform that doesn't look too ridiculously enormous on him!

Yes, come January, after his birthday, this Small boy, who still seems far far too little, will be start Nursery in school as a rising 3 and the application form process will soon be upon us. How quickly it all seems to be coming around. But Zachary is a little boy who loves his Wednesday's in private nursery and playing with his friends there, and would quite happily already follow Alexander into school each morning at drop off if he could and so I think he will thrive in school just as his brother has done. 

Zachary is as cheeky and wonderful as he ever has been. He is the absolute definition of cute and certainly knows how to get you on side with a quick flash of those eyes, a smile or a giggle. Definitely a charmer in the making!  The other side of him is decidedly feisty and determined, he cannot be persuaded from his plan of action and he has certainly been giving us a fresh experience of the 'terrible twos' - absolutely reminding us that no two children are the same!

My beautiful happy boy, you are already two and a half. 

Although sometimes I forget how quickly you are growing up, and forget you are not really my Small baby anymore when you are most definitely 'the baby' to me. You have no idea how suddenly big you will feel in just a few weeks when your new baby brother arrives. I'm so aware you have no idea what a massive change is just so hopefully around the corner now.  I'm treasuring these last few weeks where we get the mornings to ourselves, soaking you as my baby up. 

You know there is 'Baby Luc' in my tummy, but mostly that means so little to you doesn't it? You cannot really comprehend that it is a baby that is hopefully coming to live with us soon. I'm so anxious how you will adjust to a new baby when you're used to being the smallest in our family.  But I also know how anxious I felt for the change for Alexander when it was his turn for you to arrive, and I know how much you both love being brothers. Lucas will only add to this beautiful mix of boys.  I've so enjoyed you being my Small, and the baby. And you will still always be my Small, Xander will still be my Big and Lucas will be my Little. But even though you will still be Small I know so suddenly you'll feel so big too!  

Talking of brothers, you are Xander have a beautiful bedtime ritual at the moment. The must be done thing every night. After story time in Mummy and Daddy's bed you both run into your room and you laugh in delight as you climb into the 'wrong bed' - both of your snuggle down in Xander's bed, arms wrapped around each other and squeezing each other a big goodnight. Then you wait to be told and asked 'Oh Zachy, you're in the wrong bed, where do you sleep?' And you laugh and point and say 'my cot'.  It has become such a lovely part of bedtime routine. What beautiful brothers you are.   Although I think we're going to have trouble when your bedroom is transformed into a big boy room in the coming months; I predict finding you snuggled in with Xander on his top bunk most nights when we go to bed! 

I know your pet-name is Small, but at two and a half you really are still quite tiny! You're only around 86cm tall and weighing in at 26lb. 

Your favourite things are your shoes, and Xander's shoes, stories, stickers and colouring, going to the park, playing in the garden and most notably anything Elsa and Frozen! 

My goodness you really are Elsa obsessed at the moment. As soon as we're in the car you are asking me to put on 'Elsa songs Mummy' - you love the soundtrack, you're nearly singing along to all the words, with some pretty dynamic waving of your arms in accompaniment! Its is gorgeous to watch and no sooner has one of your favourite songs finished (Let It Go, or First Time in Forever) you're saying 'again, again'.  You love Elsa so much that we bought you a little soft Elsa doll for your half birthday which has pretty much travelled everywhere with us since! 

You are so active and busy. You love being outside and you love to run, bounce, leap and climb.  Boinging (as you call it) on the bed is a favourite getting ready for bed activity. No longer content with having a ride in the buggy, and refusing to be contained unless you're tired (or bribed! haha), you're starting to want to walk more and more when we're out and about now, although you cannot be trusted not to wander and need a close eye at all times. You seem to have a real sense of adventure, no fear at all and so desperate to be as big as your big brother. I'm sure you're going to give me my first grey hairs my boy!  

But equally you can still be fairly lazy when you want to be! You love to have a cuddled and be carried too. Which means in my current pregnant state a buggy is still a necessary item to take out with us because I cannot carry you that far anymore. (It does mean you recently got yourself a lovely new bright yellow light-weight stroller though as I was struggling with the pram in and out of the boot.) I hope you realise you'll have to transition to a buggy board soon!  I'm sure you'll find it a great novelty. 

You love putting your shoes on and are especially proud of your new 'star shoes' (Clarks Doddles with lolipops on the top and a star print on the soles) at the moment. You love them - as soon as you tried them on in the shop you were sold and wouldn't entertain looking at any other style or design. Just one of the examples of you having such clear ideas of your own and exerting yourself. I think one day you may be manager material! Still every day you are excited about putting your shoes on. Welly boots are another treat! You put Xander's shoes on nearly every day too, and even try walking around the house in mine or Daddy's too!

You've had a massive burst in your speech and vocabulary these last few months.  Which has only helped to make you even more cheeky! Go away, shush, don't like it and it's stinky all now feature in your ever expanding language! 

You know all of your colours now. It took a while; for a long time absolutely everything was 'blue' - but then all of a sudden I realised you were making observations about what you could see around you and telling me what colours you could see. Now you name each colour without a thought. 

You're developing more and more interest in numbers now and love to mimic counting, often counting during your play. You can just about count to 10 now, and understand about pointing to each object as you count - sometimes you forget a number or get muddled around five - but with a tiny prompt you are back on track. You love bedtime stories where you get to count; Ten terrible dinosaurs has been a favourite pick recently!  You know what a number looks like, and what a letter looks like. You can find number 2 and number 8 but you don't know any of your letter sounds just yet. I think this will be your next area for a burst of development very soon. 

I'm totally adoring your toddler time and the gorgeous little boy you are.  You are our absolute delight and you light up all of our days baby Small. 

We love you more than you know, always. 


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I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander and Zac. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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