Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

The 21st

Anabelle should be four months old today. Four months since my daughter was born.  When she was first born, I used to count the weeks. I still know how many weeks it is, (17 and a half), but it is the months that really stick in my mind now.  Four months.
I still find it amazing how time keeps moving on.
When you have a small baby, less than a year old, and someone asks you how old your baby is, you answer in months. The months are important this year.   Will the 21st always feel like this? Always feel so painful? Or as time goes on and we reach Anabelle’s first birthday will the months become like the weeks have come – still known, but it’ll become the years and half years that stick in my mind? I suppose that is the natural way, as with all babies and children.
Oh how I miss her.
Four months today, also means its eight months until her birthday. I’m determined her 1st birthday  will be memorable and special for all the right reasons. I have a lovely friend who has thought about ideas and offered her help this week already! Anabelle is going to have a big birthday party – it’s going to celebrate my beautiful daughter, it’s going to raise awareness of all angel babies and it will raise money for SANDS.   I need this focus. I need her birthday to be special.
I think ahead quite a lot, I think I have to, it prepares me for what I know I will find hugely difficult. Significant dates and times of year are important. Soon we have Bonfire Night, which is significant to me for reasons other than Belle, and then Christmas which I would like to avoid this year if at all possible, and then our birthdays, her Daddy is 30 next year – its special, and then my brother’s wedding for which Anabelle should’ve been a gorgeous little flower girl, and then Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day – already breaks my heart so much.  
Infact the mere thought brings a lump to my throat.  There is so much still yet to cope with. To always have to cope with.
Somebody in my virtual world today suggested that we do something special for Belle on each 21st,  – and to mark the day. I do not know why I hadn’t already thought of marking the date in a positive way.  It’s something I know will comfort me because the 21st is hugely significant to me every month at the moment. And so it should be.
So the 21st November will be different, it will be more positive, with a focus, we will do something for Belle.  Buy a special candle for her that is only lit on the 21st of the month, take a drive over her mountain, look through her memory box and books.  
I’m going to light a candle now and imagine my little daughter dancing around. Happy four months sweetheart. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. xXx

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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