Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 1 October 2010


Tomorrow we are going away. I don't want to use the word holiday because holiday implies happiness, fun etc. I organised the going away, people kept saying it would do us some good, I got my parents and sister on board - a family going away it is. But now that its here I'm feeling very wobbly about it. The anxiety has been building all week. I don't think I want to go anymore.  I've been putting off packing all week - its 10pm and the case is still only half done, and I haven't even started to think about kitchen or bathroom stuff yet.  I didn't realise before what sheer amount of energy goes into packing, I used to be good at organising things, yet I can't bare this - I'm starting to feel panicky.

I feel guilty for going away. I feel anxious about going away.

Guilt - Being away for a whole week from where Anabelle's garden is. Not that I go there every day, but I suppose its the knowledge that I can when I'm here, if I want to go, I can just go and sit with her. Being away means even if I want to - I'm too far away from her. 

Guilt - Its not supposed to be like this is it... we're not supposed to be going away - that wasn't part of the plan, not in October. The plan was Anabelle, a screaming baby, sleepless nights, Mummyhood, Daddyhood.

Anxious - The packing is not boding well with me.

Anxious - I'm going to be away from the support networks I've created for myself. My virtual world. I've got to survive a week in the real. But at least its away from anyone who will know us, small mercies. We're going to mid-Wales, the signal and reception there for the I-phone access to my virtual world will probably be next to useless, but the I-phone isn't the same as my laptop anyway.

Anxious - Leaving Fiz. My cat, my furball. (She'll be another post in her own right one day.) I know its completely irrational and probably quite crazy but I can't get the thought out of my head of something happening to her while we're not here. Its ridiculous really, my next door neighbours will do a wonderful job as they do every time we've gone away in the past, but I cannot get this feeling away. I don't want to leave her. I know I probably love her way too much for a cat but losing her is not an option, she's my other baby. I fell in love with her the moment we bought her home 3 years ago, and she brings me so much comfort. There something about a purring Fiz that relaxes the soul.

Wish me luck. I don't know what else to say. It probably won't be as bad as I'm imagining. We may even enjoy something. I hope I relax if nothing else.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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