Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Ready or not?

I probably sound like a broken record, but this is what life is like now. Broken. I had huge wobbles again last night. I really do need to pull myself together. If only I knew how.
Last night’s wobble was the result of an overwhelming fear that this could happen to us again. So overwhelming, the state I got myself into resulted in me being unwell.   After you lose a baby there seems to be this natural desire to get pregnant again quickly. I can sort of understand that, the physical emptiness is astounding. Almost suffocating. Everything is empty.  It’s not about replacing the baby that was lost, nothing and no-one will or could ever replace my Belle, but more it seems the body’s natural response to an unnatural end to your previous pregnancy.
But for me, there wasn’t that immediate desire. 9 days after Anabelle was born I went to the Doctor and asked to be put back on the pill. I didn’t want to be pregnant, at all. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted Anabelle to still be here.  I’d already figured out that for me, another baby or being pregnant wasn’t going to make anything feel any better – it wouldn’t be able to fix me. Anabelle would still be missing.
So I went back on the pill and we decided we would see how we felt around Christmas about trying again. Christmas is approaching and I’m torn. Part of me is starting to desire pregnancy again and the hope of a new baby and a new year. The other part of me is so unbelievably scared I was ill last night.  Some of the fear last night was my own stupidity. I was on the SANDS website. SANDS is a wonderful support tool, but, it opens your eyes to the literally hundreds of things that could go wrong. As well as dealing with the uncertainty of my own circumstances, I’m aware of everyone else’s too. The families who have 2 (or sometimes more) angel babies. The families who’ve managed to continue to survive after 2 or more tragedies. I’m not sure I could be that person. I’m barely surviving Anabelle’s death.  
I know “What ifs” do not help anyone, but what if I cannot keep babies alive? It is a question that cannot be answered, because no-one can predict the future. No-one can promise me that next time it would all be ok.
I struggle with a guilt I cannot shift. I know deep down it wasn’t my fault, but I battle daily with the fact that I let Belle down and didn’t keep her safe. It was the only job I had to do and I failed. What if I am incapable of keeping my babies safe?
These fears are irrational, but totally rational all the same time considering what has happened to us. I know the Doctors will monitor us and look after us closely when I fall pregnant again, but will it be enough? My anxiety levels are so high already in general, and about trying again, I wonder if I’m ready at all for the pressure of another pregnancy. I’m starting to really worry about the strength (or lack of) of my state of mind. I can be ‘ok’ and then it seems I unravel again so fast, I almost feel manic. Am I actually becoming mad? I need to try and reign myself in.
I know that my desire for having another baby one day is greater than the madness and fear now. And although I know this, I also know that the fear will not go away of diminish with time. It will always be there, whenever another pregnancy comes. I know it will be a case of ‘biting the bullet’.
It makes me so sad, and angry, that the joy of pregnancy has been robbed from us. Being pregnant with Anabelle was some of the best 32 weeks of my life. I loved every minute.  It’s never going to be like that again is it?
Trying again will require courage, hope, faith, trust.  I must learn to cling to God’s words and promises that bought me comfort. (Post: Blessings)  I need to work on a positive mental attitude. I need to believe that this will happen for us and that Anabelle will be a big angel sister and we will be Mummy and Daddy to earth babies too.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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