Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Unexpected Peace

Here we are again. The 21st of the month. Another month has now passed. Anabelle has been born an angel for 5 months now. I continue to feel uneasy about the swift passing of time, how on earth has 5 months passed? I cannot help but wonder how different 5 months should have been. Anabelle, if she was here would be sitting up and starting to explore toys. Maybe she would start to think about crawling in the next couple of months. But none of that is to be, not on earth at least. It’s the should’ve beens that hurt the most. Don’t even get me started about Christmas yet. I’ve 10 days yet until December starts and I really have to think about it.
Strangely, today has been the most peaceful 21st so far. I haven’t felt the all-consuming brokenness today and in the last few days as other months. It may be because we’ve been very busy, I’m back at work for a start, I’m occupied. We’ve also been away this weekend for preparation for my brother's upcoming wedding.
But the biggest factor today I think for my feeling peace, follows on from my previous blog. The comfort from God that follows my anger. This morning I went to church in Plymouth with my Aunt and Uncle. During the service the minister randomly chose to read some verses from Isaiah 43 (verses 1-2, 18-19) during the singing and then prayed. The verses speak of God knowing his people and being there when we feel alone, providing relief during the stormy times.  It felt like the minister was speaking directly to me and I instantly felt peaceful for today. My Aunt and Uncle also (independently) felt those words had been for me and told the minister at the end of the service. He then prayed for me there. Some people may find that really weird, but I think it is really powerful when somebody takes the time to pray for others and brings their sorrows before God.
Anabelle's Candle
Another thing that made today different was that for the first time we had a plan. A plan to commemorate the significance of another month. Something special for Anabelle today. Last weekend our lovely friends gave us a gift for Belle. They had taken the time and given the thought to have a candle made for her; with her name, an angel bear and a poem on. It is beautiful and was lit for her tonight. It wasn’t just any candle this 21st – it was her candle.
The thoughtfulness and kindness of some people continues to amaze me; and not necessarily from the people who we were previously that close to, in fact some are complete strangers.
You may remember from my “Thank you to the friend” blog of the online community I was part of while I was pregnant. The lovely August 2010 ladies when Anabelle died raised money between them to send to Sands in Belle’s name and organised a Beatrix Potter Rose to be delivered to us in the Autumn. Her rose arrived on Friday and has been potted and placed outside our front door. We love it. And the best bit – wandering around the garden centre I notice the perfect pot for her rose - “Bell Pot” – so apt, a Bell pot for our Belle. Another sign from our girl that she is always there.
I think the next 21st will be the hardest yet. The half a year milestone is looming, as well Christmas in the same week. But for today on this 21st, we remember our beautiful daughter in gentle peace.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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