Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Angry Letters

Today I have had one of the most useful counselling appointments yet. Today we discussed anger. She asked me to make a list of everyone or everything I feel angry at and then to turn my list into a pie-chart, accounting for the things I feel angry at with a percentage. Some of my angry list is people, some of my angry list is things.
For next week I’ve been asked to write an “angry letter” to something or someone off my list to bring with me to discuss.  I think this will be a really useful and constructive exercise, a safe exercise, because it will be between me and the paper (and the counsellor). I already know who to write too this time. It has been a long time coming, the anger directed at this person is legitimate, it is deserved. This is a person who has caused so much hurt and damage it is irreparable and I don’t want anything more to do with, ever. Destroyed any relationship we once had with him. I can’t discuss the details yet, I don’t think I’m ready to discuss it here. But maybe I will after I’ve written the letter.
I know some of the other anger I feel is unreasonable though. I’ve briefly discussed my anger and resentment before (Blog: Some Days). I know I’m not always being very fair. But you know what, what is fair about anything in my life? What did I do to deserve this life? What did we do to deserve the death of our daughter?
For some, I have such high expectations. So high I’ve realised they simply cannot attain, because they can’t feel what I feel and can’t even begin to understand what hurts us.  But even knowing this and realising it, doesn’t make insensitivity and disinterest any less painful to bear.
But for all the people who cause distress there are always the thoughtful people who make up for it.  This week I’ve been given two angel gifts, something for the tree and a key ring with a lovely poem. These are people who had thought of us and our daughter. Another who instead of giving a Christmas card gave us a small bauble for Anabelle’s tree and a memory card for her too. But I can never get my head around how can some people show such sensitivity when other are so crap. The differences in us all I guess.
I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive at the moment. But please forgive me that; some days expecting reasonable and patience is asking too much.

1 comments:

Nanny Davies said...

i cant begin to understand the anger and resentment you feel but i hope you know that i will always be there for you and jon. mark too! we will always love our granddaughter Anabelle, your little angel in heaven.

My Photo
Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
View my complete profile
Instagram

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Blog Archive

Followers

Mumsnet Badge

mumsnet
Written by C.E Morgan. Powered by Blogger.