Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

A School's Christmas

Another day in work and I can officially say I survived my first half term back in work. For the most part it has been like I was never away, two weeks in and I felt like I had found my feet again. Quickly snapped back into my teacher mode and got on with what needed doing.
Today, in fact has probably been the hardest day since my return. Christmas party day. 
The Christmas activities haven’t really fazed me until today. The concert was fine – I had my role on the piano, being involved in the nativity hasn’t bothered me. After all, the nativity is the reason we have Christmas. The Christian aspect of Christmas is ok, I seem to be able to deal with it. In fact I’ve filled Christmas with it. I’m involved at church Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
But today; the party, the presents for the children, the Father Christmas visit was too much. By 9:00am I already felt like I needed a cry. Of course I didn’t cry though – I was at work and at work I’m the professional, I am responsible for leading a class of children and staff.   However hard the Christmas party was for me personally, professionally it is part of my job to contribute to making Christmas time special for the children in my care. The show had to go on.
I cannot pretend it doesn’t hurt me though. Buying and wrapping presents for other people’s children, making a fuss about Father Christmas for other people’s children, the party for other people’s children.  All painful reminders of the things I cannot do with my own child.
No presents to wrap for Anabelle, no visit to Father Christmas for Anabelle, no parties to go to with Anabelle. Never any of these things with my own daughter. Not this year, not any year.
To be honest after the last fortnight in work I’ve had about as much of Christmas as I can take. I’ve done my bit now. The bit I had to do.
But, I made it. We finish for the holiday tomorrow and I can hope that for the next week I can have a ‘break’ from it before the big day arrives.  I am aware that this may involve some hibernating at home.
I have to keep reminding myself that this build up will be far worse than the actual day. Christmas Day we have a plan. We’ll stick to the plan and we’ll get through it.   
My plan between now and then? Have as little to do with it as possible!  

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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