Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Anabelle's Garden

Up until the New Year we had visited Belle almost every weekend without fail.  Right in the beginning, when she was first buried we had been to the cemetery more regularly again, every few days, sometimes a couple of days in a row. But after the initial shock that our baby was in a grave we fell into a routine of visiting her garden every weekend.
Since the New Year we’ve not been. Not once.
I’m feeling so increasingly guilty about it. I know it will be looking uncared for and unloved. I know I’m letting her down.
I can’t blame our poor attendance on not having the time or other things getting in the way; our opportunity is there like it ever was. I’m just finding it so hard to go. I push it to the back of my mind. I don’t know why but suddenly it seems so much harder, but everything is.  2011 has put me in a very difficult place.
We’ve been living this reality for 7 months now, it is not new; so why now is it too hard to go and visit my daughter’s little place in this world?  Why am I suddenly avoiding the cemetery?  I guess I’ve stopped finding any comfort there. It used to make me feel close to Anabelle somehow, but I guess throughout December it began to hurt just that bit too much.
So another Saturday has passed and we haven’t visited. Tomorrow I need to go, I’m not sure I want to go in all honesty, but know I need too. Because I won’t be able to handle the guilt if we don’t and January then turns into February.
I wish I knew how to stop the hurt, to stop this feeling of falling apart at the seams. It’s all getting too much. I thought and keep being told that “Time Heals” and on the surface I suppose it does. I’m functioning well on a day to day level, but deep down, my head is feeling more screwed up and the pain feels overwhelming.  
Overwhelming, that I’ve still a long way to go before I’ve learnt how to live this forever.


Anonymous said...

Caz, please don't be so harsh on yourself. Anabelle's garden is just lovely. We went there last sat. Mind you Mat had to prise the ice off the flower stems on her flower vase, before we could replace her vase with new flowers. Another friend of yours had popped over whilst we were there also. Anabelle's always in our thoughts & loved by us all xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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