Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011


Well today we were expecting to be sitting in the audience of the Britains Got Talent auditions in Cardiff. Jon had an email before Christmas asking him if he would like to apply for tickets; so we applied, appeared to be successful and were allocated what we thought were two tickets.  Only it transpires today, when we arrived an hour early that this ticket allocation got us into a standby queue and we were not guaranteed seats at all.  This had not been obviously stipulated beforehand in any of the emails we'd recieved. (Although I expect it will be in some teeny tiny small print somewhere...)
Neither of us were particularly feeling in the mood to be stood outside in the cold and damp weather; especially when it had just started to spit rain! Even more so that we could’ve spent a long while getting cold and damp and still not got in.  From people on facebook I’ve discovered this is quite common practice with TV shows. We had no idea!  Needless to say I don’t think we’ll be so trusting of TV ticket allocations again!
We feel quite conned, but then isn’t most things in life a con?
I know; I’ve become cynical. I’ve next to no trust left in the things that are apparently good and just.
What was just about my daughter dying?  As a society we’re conned into believing achieving 12 weeks of pregnancy takes us out of the risky period. I’d stupidly believed this, trusted in my body to keep Anabelle alive, took it for granted in fact, only to be conned.  Which leaves me where I am now; and I’m not even sure where that is. 
Today I’m having yet another crisis of confidence, what is my purpose in life?  Where am I and it supposed to be going? Supposed to be doing?
Professionally it seems all figured out. I love my job, I have purpose there. If I achieve nothing else each day, it feels successful if I have filled a profoundly disabled child’s day with happiness, given them a good day and above all else made them smile.  Smiling, clapping and celebration of self is important in my classroom.
But in my personal life? That’s not so figured out.
Next week Jon and I will have been married for 18 months. Our whole marriage so far has revolved around having a family. We tried for a baby, we had a baby, our baby died, and now we’re grieving for our baby. Some days, like today when I’m in a dark place and the hurt feels fresh and new once more; I feel no closer to realising the dream of our family than I did 18 months ago.
I know fundamentally this is untrue. We are a family. We are parents. We have a daughter. It just wasn’t supposed to be this way.  
Today I think “tormented” just about sums it up.


Anonymous said...

My husband says he feels we've been cheated. We've been cheated out of the life we should be having with our son, cheated out of our happiness. Really we've been cheated out of everything we've been working towards. Tormented is a good word to describe us.

Gu said...

Caroline I know you feel cheated but consider the joy you have felt feeling Anabelle grow inside you and the love she has shown you have to give. This can in no way compensate for your loss, but remember that knowing her even for such a short time has touched you and Jon's lives in such a way unlike anything before or since, this is something to keep hold of during your darkest days, you HAVE a very special little girl.

We are here for you anytime, night or day.

With all our love

Gu and grampi

mumsarcade said...

You are an inspiration to be able to even put one foot in front of the other after all you have gone through.
I tagged you over at http://gigglingatitall.blogspot.com to get you to tell us 7 things we don't know about you.
Hope you don't mind but did it to draw attention to your blog which is a lovely tribute to your little one.

Caz said...

thanks mumsarcade. I think thinking of 7 things to write about would be refreshing! I'll get my thinking cap on while I clean the bathroom and get back to it!!

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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