Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Facebook

Ah facebook. We have a bit of a love-hate relationship going on.  In the very early days it was the source of a lot of my hurting; the photos, the negative status updates about offspring, but a lot of that has faded now. I accept the family photos and pay no attention to negative status updates.

All I have now is level of distaste for facebook full stop but can’t seem to keep myself away. Because even though I don’t think it does me a lot of good for the most part it does keep me connected to people, and I have plenty of support there too.

On facebook there is Ally, who has spoken to me nearly every day without fail since I returned to my page after Anabelle’s death. She seems to know exactly what to say and is never dismissive or uncomfortable with anything I say. Ally doesn’t give me platitudes, she listens and gives a considered response, not just what she thinks she is supposed to say or what I want to hear. Ally has been one of my biggest virtual and real life ears and I wouldn’t have had that without facebook.  

There are also many people send me kind messages through my facebook account that I wouldn’t receive otherwise and these messages are encouraging. Only this weekend three different people have taken the time to send words of hope, encouragement and understanding through my inbox.

So for all the hurt facebook has caused over the last 8 months it has also been an avenue of constant support from others.

When I started blogging I was initially nervous of publishing my posts to my facebook wall.  I’m acutely aware that in this blogspot; my space, I am hard hittingly honest about my life and hurt and grief now. I am aware that this probably makes for difficult reading and probably makes some uncomfortable if it challenges them to confront their own actions and attitudes around grief, or me. Maybe it pricks peoples conscience. 

But you know what, I’m also aware that for so many bereaved mothers, we are expected to conduct ourselves in a way that puts other people at ease, it is the expectation that our own upset and anxieties will be put aside and we will not makes others uncomfortable with our grief.  And so we’re expected to be fine and ‘behave’.

The courtesy of putting us, the grieving mother, at ease is rarely extended. Unintentionally as it may be, it is as if the general opinion is “it our problem to deal with”.  I know people, for the most part, are unintentional with their insensitivity and thoughtlessness but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be challenged or brought to attention.

For too long the bereaved mother has been voiceless. Expected to move on from her despair and get on with life without there being too much acknowledgment or mention of her child’s existence.

I’m not going to be that mother. This blog is my voice, my outlet for letting go of bit of my grief and hurt at a time. I will never apologise if my hurt makes somebody else uncomfortable, because I would challenge them to try and see the bigger picture.

 It is one of my greatest hopes that my stark openness helps others to relate to bereaved mothers, raise awareness to turn thoughtlessness into thoughtfulness. And so I publish my blog to facebook and twitter hoping for most the insight into a bereaved mother’s life is insightful and educational. Creating links rather than barriers.

Because above all, a little bit of thoughtful courtesy and a little bit of understanding goes a long way in my world now. 

3 comments:

MmeLindt said...

A touching post, honest as ever. I am glad that you have good friends like Ally to support you.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog and I just had to tell you how brave and raw and wonderful your words are. I've sent a link to my friend who has had similar experiences and she said she feels great comfort reading what you've written. Your daughter Anabelle is beautiful xxx

Caz said...

Thanks both.

Anonymous 20:47, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, but glad she found some comfort in my blog. thanks for saying Anabelle is beautiful, we think so too! :) xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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