Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Any Children?

Do you have any children? 

The perfectly innocent, reasonable and expected question to be asked at my age and newishly married.

I still stumble through my answer, not really knowing quite how to respond to the question, not really knowing how to word it. Knowing I will never deny Anabelle but knowing I’m about to make somebody feel very awful for asking me the question.  After all nothing can prepare you for the response that my child is dead however softly I try to say.

Do you have any children?

Today my answer was “Yes, I had a little girl last year but sadly she was stillborn”

As expected the lady who had asked me was apologetic and mortified for me; flustered and didn’t know what to say. I went on to tell her my little girls name and how she’d been named at 20 weeks and already her little self when she died and she relaxed a bit. Going on to tell me about a friend who has had similar experiences and asked me how far along we were when Belle died.

I still don’t have a standard response. I don’t know what fits most comfortably yet. Today’s response will not be the one. I don’t like the past tense,  I don’t like the “but”, I haven’t quite fitted in with it being last year and I still struggle with the word stillborn.

It’s not “had” a little girl at all – I have a little girl. She is just not here.

I don’t want to make people feel awkward but I could never reply that I have no children. That is not comfortable for me. I absolutely refuse to have a secret child, an unmentionable child.

I don’t mind being asked about Anabelle. She isn’t  a secret, I’m immensely proud of her. I don’t understand what there is to hide about her.  I hope my willingness to be open about her and our experiences helps people to be comfortable around me. Not so scared to mention her incase they say the wrong thing.

Yes sometimes maybe the wrong thing may be said; but I appreciate the acknowledgement of my daughter.   It is better to talk about her  and get it wrong than to pretend she never existed at all.  The majority of people were never lucky enough to meet my girl. But I met her, I held her, I love her and she exists in every part of me, the biggest part of me.  How could I never speak of her?

Do you have any children?

Yes I do. I have a daughter called Anabelle. She is very almost 9 months old and is in heaven because she couldn’t stay with us. She will always be my number one.

Always included in my answer.


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think that is a fab answer!! love from Liz last

My New Normal said...

Good for you.

Elle and Belle said...

That's a beautiful answer

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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