Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Easter Saturday

This afternoon we attended the baby remembrance service at the hospital where Anabelle was born. They hold it annually on Easter Saturday. Although the service itself was lovely and sensitively put together I couldn't help thinking the whole time "I wish we didn't have to attend these services."  Of course, we don't have to attend; no-one is forcing us too, but to not attend would be to feel like we were somehow letting Anabelle down. It is important that we went to a service today especially for all the babies who had been born sleeping or died at the hospital. 

We arrived and was greeted by the patient liaison lady. I'd remembered her from the day Anabelle was born; she had taken us down to the registry office in the hospital building to register Anabelle's birth.  She told us how they had seen the article in the Wales on Sunday last weekend, thanked us for the kind things we had said about the hospital and that the midwives had cut it out and put it up on the wall on labour ward. 

We then saw Anabelle's name written in the baby book of remembrance that is kept in the chapel of the hospital. 

Then the service started.  A room full of bereaved parents, grandparents, siblings. People all who had lost their baby in the same place that we had. 

The chaplain read a passage of the Bible, said prayers, led hymns and we lit candles. Towards the end of the service our babies names were read out; Anabelle Violet leading the way! The importance of our babies existence was not lost on him. A lady spoke for a few minutes comparing the continuation of our lives to the resurrection of Jesus on Easter Sunday. How amazing it is that throughout the worst possible grief we have continued to live and love in our lives. I wasn't sure about all of it but this stuck with me; our babies were conceived in love, grew surrounded by love and died enfolded in love. That I know to be so true for Anabelle. 

Jon says these services make him angry. He doesn't understand how we're supposed to find comfort in being told Anabelle is in God's care and that God understands our pain. I suppose he feels that God caused our pain. Even though I believe Anabelle is in God's care and I do believe God understands our pain, I must admit I don't understand it either. I somehow get comfort out of these services; the Sands service we attended at Christmas and the hospital service today, but I still don't understand why us? Why did God need Anabelle? In his ultimate big plan what was achieved by taking her to heaven before she was even born? 

Amongst this fledgling faith I am so mixed up, sometimes angry too and confused. I don't know how I am supposed to fully make my peace with God with these thoughts and questions that will remain unanswered; in a life I will never fully understand. How do I let something this huge go? *Sigh* 

We cannot care for you the way we wanted to,
or cradle you or listen to your cry,
yet separated as we are in sadness,
we know our love for you will never die.
We cannot watch you growing into childhood,
and find that new uniqueness every day,
but, special as you would have been among us,
your memory in our grieving hearts will always stay.

We cannot know, the joy or the potential,
which growing years would open and reveal,
but for that time when we shall meet in heaven,
we wait in faith, and trust out pain will heal.
Lord in your arms which cradle all creation,
we rest and place our babies in your care,
believing that they now, alive in paradise,
will wait for us 'till one day we shall meet them there. 


MmeLindt said...

This is one of the things that I most struggle with, in my faith as a Christian. How can we accept that this was God's Will?

If the service comforts you, even while you are conflicted, then it is a good thing. It is lovely that the children who are no longer with us are remembered and honoured in the community.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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