Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Baby Ceremonies

BellePixelle has been busy today capturing the special moments and family portraits at a christening. 

We've been privileged to be included in a rite of passage of a little boy and his family, a special baby ceremony and celebration. And whats more; personally today was progress.  The familiar sadness was of course there, but for the most part I felt a strength and happiness about it I've not felt at any other baby celebration over the last year. Possibly because we were there to work more than anything else; there in our professional capacity, there was a different focus.  

Genuinely there was no hint of hurt or overwhelming pain, not like all the others this year. 

Before Anabelle died I'd attended only one christening in my lifetime. Ironically in the year since I've now been to two christenings and sat through a number of dedication ceremonies at my church.  A christening of a friends son in the Autumn of 2010, dedications at church (often a surprise when I get there on whatever Sunday morning they are planned for) and today's BellePixelle booking. 

The first few, in the months after Anabelle's death were especially painful and drained all the life out of me. Utterly exhausted and feeling ill by the end of the service and holding it together by a thread; then came the all engulfing sobs in the car on the way home, or collapsing into Jon's arms on my return from church. 

I was full of resentment, anger and overwhelmingly hurting. They were able to hold their babies up and celebrate their lives whilst our daughters only ceremony had been her funeral. It hurt seeing babies paraded around the church when all I could think about was my daughter being carried through one in a box.

I didn't really like myself, I knew I wasn't being fair; but grief was (and still is at times) all consuming. It wasn't fair, it isn't fair. My baby is dead. 

For Anabelle I'd wanted a naming ceremony not a funeral. Of course not.  I'd already planned her pink letter "A" cake with my friend Marie for the occasion! Anabelle had her cake, it was beautiful and poignant; but it was part of the completely wrong occasion.

For Alexander I'm desperate for a naming ceremony; I've dared to begin to plan it in my head. Desperate to be the Mummy who gets to celebrate her child's life instead of grieve their death. Desperate to be the proud parents proclaiming at a happy celebration just how much both of our children are loved.


Anonymous said...

We are all hoping and praying that Xander is kept safe and delivered into yours and Jon's arms screaming.

You've both been so brave!! Sending our love to you everyday!!! Xxxx

Sara said...

Congratulations on your booking.

Best of luck with the new business.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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