Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 19 August 2011

My Newborns

The last two weeks I've realised something, well a couple of things; and I feel in a really uncomfortable place. 

1) I'm a fraud. 

Despite being a 'second time' mother, the actual reality is so very far from that. I feel a pretend second timer, and that is because I am a pretend second timer. Oh I've done the pregnancy and birth thing before, of course, but not the actual being a mother to a newborn bit. 

The pregnancy and birth bit before are a bit inconsequential to what comes afterwards and I'm really a first timer. A first time mother in a second times body. I hate it. A big part of me feels it takes away from Anabelle as my first child; and she IS my first child, not Alexander. He of course has his own special place as my first son, but he is not my first child. She should've been the one I did my learning with. I should already know how to do newborns. 

I have absolutely no idea how to be a mother to a newborn.  Not a single clue. My first newborn only needed me to dress her once, that's all she needed of me. No settling, no comforting, no feeding, nothing. Anabelle didn't even need me to hold her, not really. I needed her; I needed to hold her and love her but Anabelle was already gone, she didn't need me. Not in the way she would've if she'd been alive. Anabelle needed us to plan her funeral, that was all. 

So what do I really know about babies? The cry, they feed, they sleep, they poop. That is the extent of my knowledge, that and how to change a nappy already. 

2) If I'm really honest I'm a little bit scared of Alexander.   

Fourteen months on from Anabelle's death and I still struggle on many occasions to 'deal' with a crying small baby around me. I'm instantly on edge, I instantly want it to shut up, I can feel anxiety radiate through my entire body.   Crying babies never bothered me before Anabelle died, but she was so silent. The first thing you expect to hear after you've given birth is that cry and the cry was obviously never going to come. So instead silence deafened us. 

I still cannot cope with crying babies and it bothers me. It bothers me how I might react to my own son. As much as I'm desperate to hear that first cry to reassure me he got here alive I am at the same time very nervous of it. What happens if the reaction I currently have to crying babies automatically takes over and I freeze? What if I cannot comfort him or remotely cope with the sound he is making like how I am now?  

I haven't held a newborn tiny baby since the last time I held Anabelle. Partly because I just cannot do it, I have absolutely no desire to hold anyone else's brand new baby and dread the day someone tries to pass a tiny to me. But mainly because I want the next new baby I hold to be my own again.

But now, mixed in with the desperation to hold Alexander, my baby, I'm becoming increasingly aware he is likely to look a lot like Anabelle. The scan pictures, both 2D and 3D indicate he has her likeness. How will I react to that in real life? I've no idea. This was not an anxiety I had anticipated. 

My head is a whirlwind of these thoughts, a bit tormented. There is no way on this earth I would ever intentionally reject my son, not after everything we've been through. God knows how much I love my children.  I don't want to be nervous of him, or nervous of my reaction to him. I want to enjoy him from the very moment he makes his appearance. 

How on earth do I come to terms with these worries and put them in a place where they won't matter? 


Anonymous said...

Have just read your words over and over again. I hope this does not sound arrogant but I know exactly what you mean. I have walked in very similar shoes to the ones you are walking in now. I know that you will be a fantastic Mummy....I know that, to the outside world, you will appear confident in your role - and I also know that inside your emotions will be so strong and so scary. You will know just what to do when baby comes along. I have faith in your strength and I am always here if you want to talk or email.....take care my friend. All will be well...All WILL be well xxxx Love Shabbs xx

Anonymous said...

John is a lucky guy........

Caz said...

Anonymous 17:49 - That seems almost an odd comment for this post... I'm not sure I'm interpreting your tone correctly...

Anonymous said...

I am sorry.............

I admire your strength in the face of adversity.

It is hard for you as well as John, although men are masters at hiding there feelings.

John has a strong proactive woman at his side, which makes him lucky.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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