Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Say Her Name

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how are we doing. Never is the name of our child mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Her life slips from recall. There are exceptions, close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But, for us the play will NEVER end. 

The effects on us are timeless. Say HER NAME to us. On the stage of our lives she has been both leading and supporting actress. Love does not die. Her name is written on our lives. The sound of her voice replays within our minds. You feel she is dead. We feel she is of the dead but still she lives. She ghostwalks our souls, beckoning in future welcome. 

You say she was our child. We say she is. Say HER NAME to us, and say HER NAME again. It hurts to bury her memory in silence. What she was in flesh is no part of our now. She was our hope for the future. You say not to remind us. How little you understand; we cannot forget. We would not if we could. 

We understand you, but feel the pain in being forced to do so. We forgive you because you cannot know. And we would forgive you anyway. We accept how you see us, but understand you see us not at all. We strive not to judge you, but we wish that you could understand that we dwell in both flesh and in spirit. The mystery is that you do too, but know it not. 

We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with her in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost you cannot feel. What we have gained, you cannot see. 

Say HER NAME for she is alive in us. She and we will meet again, although in many ways we've never parted. She and her life play light songs on our minds, sunrises and sunsets on our dreams. She is real and shadow, was and is. 

Say HER NAME to us and say HER NAME again. She is our child and we love her as we always did.

Author Unknown


Rebecca said...

I've just read through most of your blog. Thank you for your honesty, even though tears are running down my face right now, for you, your husband and little Anabelle.

I wish you all the best for the arrival of Alexander.

I'd just like to say that you may not have felt brave over the last year or so, but you have been incredibly brave.

Take care xxx

Caz said...

Thank you Little Me. Thats a really kind comment.

I've been enjoying reading some our your pint-sized rants the last few days too :) xxx

Rebecca said...

Thank you. You therefore know how to contact me if you need anything when little Alexander arrives.

Anonymous said...

I say my sons name quite a lot when talking to people - just for badness and because they never do, I want them to remember the reason they have come to see me is because my child died, because I haven't the strength to go out and visit them or because they have a baby that I can't bear to see

weezer said...

I feel like this all the time :( so here's to Esmée and Anabelle I love to hear Esmée and see Esmée written. Time has moved on but it is yesterday I held her and kissed her goodbye time stood still on that day. Wishing you all the very best for Alexander's safe arrival so you can tell him all about his big sister Anabelle.
Much love xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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