Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 30 September 2011

2.4 Children

Sorry I've been quiet. I've not meant to be so neglectful of the blog but between the daily visits to the hospital and trying to potter about and prepare a little bit for Alexander's impending arrival I've been feeling fairly exhausted.  I'm completely preoccupied with lists of things that need to be done before I'm induced in 11 days! 

Things are plodding along here. Xander has remained a happy boy at every check up. I'm feeling fairly calm for the most part because of the daily reassurance and I've even allowed myself to dare to occasionally believe this is all actually going to turn out ok now. That we will have our happy ending this time. 

The difficulty is every time I allow myself to feel some impending excitement it is quickly joined with feeling guilty. Like somehow being thrilled at the prospect of really being allowed to be Alexander's Mummy,  is a betrayal to my Mummyhood with Anabelle. 

But not just that, I'm feeling quite mixed up at the moment.  All my emotions seem split in two. 

If Anabelle was here we would have achieved many peoples ideal of the 'perfect' family set up. The 2.4 children; the one of each.  In theory I suppose this is what our family is; Mummy, Daddy, Sister, Brother. 

Only its not. Only it is. And neither of us really know how to even begin to explain to Alexander one day how he really does have a sister and she really does exist to Jon and I as part of our family. How do we strike the balance? How will she ever really feel real to him too? Will he ever understand? 

I have a feeling the next few weeks have the potential to be the best in our lives but mixed in with confronting so much more pain. I'm anticipating it, because I'm already beginning to feel it. A little nervous of how I will really truly feel when he is handed to me. Worried to look at him and see Anabelle. Worried I will let him down because I still hurt so much for his sister. So desperate to do all these Mummy things with Alexander but still hurting that I couldn't do them with Anabelle. Wondering if this feeling will ever go away or if the parallels of what is and what should've been will live with me forever as I hope to watch him grow up. 

I absolutely cannot wait to hold our beautiful boy, I'm praying so hard we'll be bringing our baby home this time,  that we'll have our miracle. But all the while I'm hurting that he will physically show us everything that was taken away from us and Anabelle and I won't know how to deal with it. 

Wishing so hard that our 2.4 children was real and that I had them both. 


Anonymous said...

You will find the words to explain to Xander. As my girls have grown they have learned more and more about their brother and he has never been a secret, but has remained a part of our family. The girls have and always will help me through the tough times and supported me. Now as George prepares to give birth to my grandson, the first boy in my family since Nicky's death, I too am excited but nervous, but we have spent our time talking about him and hoping that Baby Fish bears some resemblance to his Uncle Nick.
Take care of yourself xx

Christine said...

A counselor I saw after my son's stillbirth said that I should just be honest with my daughter. We have my son's picture up and she knows that is her brother who died. She is only 3 so she doesn't understand much but I want her to know about him and to feel comfortable asking us about him. I have a necklace with her birthstone and my son's and she knows whose color is whose. Things like that. I am currently pregnant with #3 (and alternately happy and terrified). She has asked if it was Luke in my tummy and things like that but I told her that Luke died so he didn't get to come home with us and this is a new baby. I just do the best I can to be honest and age appropriate with her. I'm sure you will figure it out along the way.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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