Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Back to School

I feel like I've been neglecting the blog somewhat.  The days just seem to be passing me by.  My head is buzzing with different thoughts and worries but I just haven't seemed to be able to find the time to sit down to let them go and articulate them into a post. I don't really even know where to start. Maybe tonight is not the night to do it. 

Tonight it is the night before going back to work. I cannot decide whether the six week break has felt fast or slow. Parts have been both; but going back to work day has seemed to have crept up all of a sudden. 

Six weeks ago I wrote And STOP! I said it was time to wind down and completely focus on my boy. In reality,  I've got to be honest, despite the holidays, I feel more tired than ever; some nights the broken sleep is now hourly, some days my pelvis feels like it is crumbling beneath me and my iron levels are not fantastic (although the tablets seem to be helping now). 

I don't feel as rested as I hoped I would returning to work. 

But the most precious time I've spent over the summer has been learning my sons patterns and routines; I know more or less when he should be awake and asleep now. Some days don't fit the pattern, some days he likes to be quiet all day and have me in a nearing hysterical state, but for the most part I've honed in on his movements. 

Today I'm 30+2 weeks pregnant. We're nearing that time now; the 31 and 32 weeks milestones where our world stopped with Anabelle. As if we haven't been anxious enough all the way through this pregnancy, now its nearing an all time high. These few weeks are crucial in so many ways; we are so near, but still so far from his safe delivery. 

I struggle to see beyond 32 weeks pregnant. Like I cannot really believe beyond it can possibly exist for us. 32+4 weeks pregnant to us equals our baby dying, that is all we know; and so it feels that these next two weeks and beyond, Alexander's entire life is hanging in the balance.

So its September, I'm back at work for a month and the scariest point of Alexander's pregnancy has landed upon us. 


Anonymous said...

Stay strong Caroline. Everyone in school will support you as much as possible. Stay positive xxx

Rebecca said...


I can imagine this time is hard for you, but stay strong, focussed and positive... and when you get there, make the most of the wonderful peaceful first few weeks of maternity leave.

Good luck today.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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