Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Our Beautiful Boy

We weren't going to have one. It was the deal I'd made with Jon when he agreed to us having a private gender scan at 18 weeks; a gender scan or 4D scan later on, but not both. 

At 18 weeks I couldn't see beyond needing know who my baby was, so then it was an easy decision to make. I was impatient to know if Bow was a boy or girl and that was all that mattered to me right then; naming our baby and getting to know them. 18 weeks now feels like a lifetime ago. 

Last Sunday evening I had a bit of a meltdown, it had been building for a lot of that afternoon, overwhelmed that we'd almost reached 31 weeks and the point when Anabelle started to show signs of not being safe. 

I really hadn't thought too much about 4D scans since our gender scan, because that was the deal I'd made. Then fear got the better of me, it was unexpected, but Sunday I knew I had to have a 4D scan. What was important now was that I had to see our son alive, see his little face, see him moving.  I knew I couldn't cope with the risk of only seeing my 'sleeping' still baby again. I also felt this urge to compare him to Anabelle, to see where the likeness' are now. You might recall my post a few weeks ago about being anxious how I might react to him in real life if he looks like his sister. 

So in the panic of approaching 31 weeks, everything this point of pregnancy represents and being terrified he would soon die I reached emotional wreck levels, cried for a lot of the evening and begged Jon to agree to a 4D scan despite the deal I'd made with him weeks earlier. 

Jon did agree and yesterday, at 31+4 weeks grown, we saw our beautiful son.


Wow! I may be biased, as after all I am his mother; but isn't he is beautiful?!  Cute chubby little cheeks! I was amazed how full his face looks already! 

He's apparently a bit of a chubster by his estimated weight. Quite a bit bigger than his sister was when she was born at 32 weeks. I'm not sure how much I believe in these estimated weights but needless to say it has me a little concerned, but that is another post for another time. 

I'm absolutely mesmerized by Alexander. My gorgeous boy. Yesterday we saw our son move his hands and fingers, yawn, frown, put his hand in his mouth, cover both his eyes with his hands, cwtch his hands to the side of his face and lean on them like a pillow! We even saw him stick his tongue out! 

Yesterday we saw our son 'being alive' and now whatever happens we have a DVD of him to treasure forever. Yesterday was a very special moment.  

I see a  lot of Anabelle in him, there are lots of similarities that I was expecting. On the scan these haven't fazed me as I was worried about, at this moment I think it is lovely that he has these links to his sister. I still wonder what that 'real life' feeling will be like though. I also think there are features there that are unique to him too though; his face if a bit fuller and his nose might be slightly wider although a simular shape. And mainly he looks 'all boy' to me compared to his sister's more delicate features!  I also see a lot of Jon in him. 



I've got to be honest; this little boy, my little boy completely stole my heart yesterday. We loved him so much already, but now I'm even more head over heels in love with him! I left the scan gushing, euphoric and bouncing. 

Today, fear has got the better of me again as we approach the dreaded 32 weeks milestone. I wish it was safe for him to be born now; induction day is so far away and I'm terrified I can't keep him alive that long. I'm more anxious than ever that I'll actually get to dote on him day by day forever. What I need is a kick up the bum to cling onto the magical moments like yesterday and focus less on the fear. I just wish I knew how to let it go completely. 

I need to work on some real faith and belief that Alexander WILL come home. 


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. He is really beautiful. Not in a "politely because that's what you should say" way, but REALLY and genuinely beautiful. Keep looking at the DVD and the pictures. Only 5 and a bit more weeks to go. I know you're scared, but you've only 37 more sleeps to go! and then, you will have to forget about sleeping for a while!!! as Alexander will be running rings around you. And you'll love it. So many happy times and a million special moments to come for you and Jon. Don't be frightened. Allow yourself to believe. xx

Little Me said...

How exciting! Enjoy these last few weeks.

Just FYI my daughter was scanned 4 days before she was born and estimated at 3.4kg.

She came out at 4.1kg! Those machines do lie!!!

Caz said...

Thanks Anonymous 20:31 :) Really lovely comment! Its great thinking about it in number of sleeps now (although there may be a few more as consultant is considering 38 weeks now, going to discuss is again on Wednesday!)

and Little Me! I'm hoping the scales are going to go the other way and he won't be as heavy as they are predicting! They were already estimating 2.6kg on Saturday!!! Going to see what my consultant predicts this week... I think he's going to be a big one though and wouldn't be surprised if he is over 4kg now.

Estimating heavy because he is measuring long and a bigger than average tummy. But Jon is very tall and Belle was long so I would expect him to be long. She was long but a very average weight so I'm still hoping out for him being the same as her!

private scans said...

I have just booked to get some of the private scans in a couple of weeks. We have been waiting for 3 weeks to book one through the NHS. I dont understand why but they keep on cancelling the booking and re-booking it like a week later. I have heard my local clinic only has 2 of the scanner which is why i could be taking so long.

My Photo
Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
View my complete profile
Instagram

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Followers

Mumsnet Badge

mumsnet
Written by C.E Morgan. Powered by Blogger.