Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Out of Control

So the good news is we've passed the point where I threatened prem-labour with Anabelle by one whole day. Yesterday I was 31+1 weeks pregnant; the day when last time I was going to the hospital because Anabelle had been quiet and ended up being admitted and told she might be on her way. 

Today I'm 31+2 and on prem-labour watch. Only I don't know what I'm looking out for. I don't feel very able to trust my judgement, whether it be for labour or moving quick enough if Alexander is quiet. I'm on full alert with every ache, twinge or pain but I've no idea what is of real concern and what is normal for a heavily pregnant woman.    

I mean tonight, of course I'm aching and a have heavy tired bump pain,. I'm enormous and I've been at work all day. Who wouldn't be tired and in pain? 

There is a great element of feeling out of control now, and for someone who has often been labelled a control freak its pretty huge to feel so powerless with an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. Powerlessness always adding to the anxiety. I have such difficulty letting go in so many areas of my life, but right now there is very little I can do to be in control, my body will do what it will do regardless of what control measure I attempt to put in place. 

The feeling of being out of control especially spirals when I cannot trust myself anyway. I don't even know if I would recognise a prem-labour again, I didn't recognise it last time. Last time I was uncomfortable, that was it. It was the hospital who picked up on the signs, not me. I'm uncomfortable nearly all of the time now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not threatening to labour. Not today anyway. 

The one thing that matters the most to Jon and I right now is the screaming arrival of our little boy, but it is also the one thing we haven't got any control over. All we can do is hope it will come true and my body prove it is capable of giving us a baby to come home. 


Ally said...

Each day is a step closer to having him in your arms xx

Anonymous said...

I think your emotions and worries are very like every lady who is heavily pregnant. I think everybody feels that way. The one thing that not everybody has the experience of (thank God) is the loss of a precious, precious child. That revolting experience makes things so much worse, every little twinge, every little thing seems so threatening. I felt exactly the same when I was having my fourth son 14 years ago. I was an 'elderly Mum' - almost 41 and so had every test they threw at me. Thankfully everything turned out amazingly, wonderfully well - and I know thats how things will be for you. Your precious little lady will be watching over you and keeping you all safe. I cant wait to hear your birth news and welcome, into the World, your litle man. As always, I send my love and affection to you, your husband and your children xxx

Love Shabbs x

Abi x said...

You're right, you have no control. I know how hard it is to let go too!! But we pray to the creator of the universe, how awesome! We can leave it all up to Him, which is brilliant!

(But I know what it is to have to the head say "oh yeh that makes sense, that's fine" but the heart say "no, I need to FEEL in control and can't let everything go")

I'm thinking and praying for you all a lot lately. You're amazing and good when you're in control, but God is better :)

I'll pray that God helps you and Jon to leave things in His mighty hands, that you will be able to rest under the shelter of his wings for these last weeks (Psalm 91:4), and of course, that Alexander will keep growing inside you until he's ready to come out.

Love to you, Abi xxxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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