Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Repeating History

This is not the post I hoped I would be writing today. It is not the post I should be writing today. But it seems by body is incapable of maintaining a pregnancy past this point without drama.   So now, I sit from a hospital bed almost in utter disbelief that this has happened again and so very scared about what could happen next.

The bad news:

Wednesday evening I started having very nasty “Braxton Hicks” contractions. They were the strongest I’d had yet, lasting half a minute to a minute and almost taking my breath away. I even needed to breathe through one or two. Jon was ready to pack me off to the hospital by  10.00pm but as Alexander was nice and active I decided I must’ve just over-done it in work that afternoon and went to bed to lie down. Things eased off as I rested but I remained incredibly uncomfortable all night and was up every hour with period type pains.

Thursday morning things were pretty much the same; feeling uncomfortable, period and shooting pains and more of these painful “Braxton Hicks”. But, me being me, I went to work, knowing there was so much left to do in the days coming up to my maternity leave.

But by dinner time I had to admit defeat and thought it was about time we were checked out, by now I was anxious and worried; I think I knew what might be coming.   One trip to the hospital later and again within half an hour on the monitor, “Braxton Hicks” are ruled out. Instead more real contractions being read every 6-10 minutes it was decided I was threatening premature labour.


One week later than in Anabelle’s pregnancy, but history repeating itself almost to a T. 

The Good News:

Alexander is coping much better with this episode than his sister did. Unlike with Anabelle each time he is monitored his heart rate has remained more or less stable and reactive.  We pray that this indicates he is stronger than Anabelle and will somehow survive.

Since Thursday afternoon I’ve been treated with antibiotics as a precaution while infection is ruled out as a trigger. A water infection has been ruled out, but the other test results are slower to come back.  I’ve been given steroids to mature his lungs; just incase, just like last time. I’ve been given the drug to stop the contractions to ward off labour.  So far they’ve been intermittently working.  My entire stomach is tired and sore.

The difference is this time threatening premature labour means something different to what it did with Anabelle when we were experiencing it. Then we were scared she would arrive prematurely and be unwell. Now we are absolutely terrified the next part of our history will happen. That Alexander, a week from now will die like his sister did.

However irrational that really sounds. The midwives trying to reassure me that even now it would be unlikely that lightening would strike us twice, but the fear of losing him has become very real possibility, not just something we have been scared of since day one.  You see, because the first part of our lightening has already struck twice, at a very similar gestation.  It isn’t unreasonable of us to jump to the next conclusion.

This weekend should’ve been a celebration of sorts. Today at 32+4 our son is still alive; he has currently outlived his sister by half a day. If he gets through another night he will be a whole day older than she ever was.  It’s a terrible mix of feelings; overjoyed of course that he still with us, whilst reliving the exact moment we lost our daughter.  This weekend was never going to be easy; but for this to happen seems almost cruel. So both times I’ve been 32+4 I’ve been in hospital, once being told our baby girl was dead, today being monitored for anything kicking off.

Tomorrow I may well be more pregnant than I’ve ever been before. Tomorrow we hoped our confidence would’ve been boosted that we’d reached this painful milestone without mishap. But instead we are on tenter hooks waiting for the absolute worst thing to happen again, because mishap was unachievable for us.

For 15 months my gut feeling has been telling me Anabelle’s threatened premature labour was a warning sign and not the awful co-incidence in timing in relation to her death. Today I’m convinced this is another warning sign and our son needs to constantly monitored daily for the slightest change to his well-being, the hospital have a responsibility to us to play this differently this time. They absolutely cannot miss the opportunity to deliver our son to us while he alive. Right now he is alive.

We know only too well that things can change in the shortest of time. Despite the plan only put in place on Wednesday; with what was to be only just over 4 weeks from now until his birth, now, after repeating a part of our history with Anabelle, a new plan needs to be drawn up again.
The evidence is mounting that I am unable to keep our children safe. 

We hope that when I see my consultant on Monday she’ll promise to ensure his safe delivery, however soon that now needs to be; because something tells me he’ll be safer in an incubator than he will remaining inside me for too many weeks longer.  It is of course a dodgy time, we understand he is still so very premature, we understand the risks of pushing for a delivery when he is so premature. But even each day now increases his prognosis. And of course he’s had his steroids and estimated big and heavy for his age will go in his favour.

We are now way beyond the point of coping.  We need him here in our arms. We know we won’t survive it again. We will never recover from Anabelle’s death; contemplating Alexander’s unbearable. Our baby boy needs your prayers.   I want this hospital to become our home until our baby boy is safe.  I’m too scared to leave here, I don’t want to be discharged. 

We need Alexander to be our miracle.


Ally said...

Thinking of you day and night xxx

Anonymous said...

sending you,jon and xander all our prayers,love and strengthxxxx

Lucy said...

As Ally says, we're all thinking of all 4 of you.

Abi x said...

Are they going to keep you in? Push for what you want and feel you need. I obviously know how smart the doctors and midwives are with the medical side and the stats, but if YOU cannot face going home, do not go home.

I have been praying for you all many times through the day, as are all the Careys. I was SO upset when Rach text me and asked me to pray.

I also had the same thought about Alexander being big for his age and how that would be good if he ended up being born early. What is his estimated weight? I don't have any special knowledge in this area, but 32-weekers do well all the time and medical care is so amazing for them. So try not to worry if that's what happens. Everyday, he's getting stronger and stronger :)

Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. Pray through your despair. The Psalms are amazing for times like this. Reading them just shows how big God is and how much emotion He can take from us. They go from despair to joy, fear for their life to celebration, heartbreak to love - backwards and forwards between all these emotions. I've found them an amazing comfort this summer. That's the only advice I can give and I'm sorry if it sounds cliche!

Lots of love to you all xxx

Kirsten Hurley said...

That brought a tear to my eyes, all my love and thoughts are with you and Jon. Thinking of you both xxx

Marie Donn said...

I'm on tenterhooks for you too. Surely they must MUST deliver him. When M was born, after Joe, I went into premature labour and he arrived at 33+4. The feeling of complete and utter bloody relief that at last he was safe (because he wsn't inside me any more) was almost indescribable. I wish I were closer, my lovely. Every thought is with you and for Xander's safe arrival, however early. xxx

My New Normal said...

I can only imagine how scared you both are today. Actually it's easy to imagine it and my heart is breaking for you. It won't do any good to tell you not to panic so I won't bother. Just know that I will be saying prayers for you tonight and sending love and positivity your way.

As some others have said, be vigilant and make sure you ask for what you want. Insist if you must. Be a bitch if necessary. After all you're fighting for your miracle.

Liz said...

Dearest Caz,

All my love and prayers are with you and your family. I shall send out an email shortly to my circle and ask for them to pray too. Stay strong and make sure you are heard, respected and consulted through this, no amount of medical training can compare to a mother's intuition. I know you may not be feeling it right now but you are an AMAZING mum and Xander will be feeling all your love right now (and Anabelle too of course). x x x x x x x x

Bookworm said...

With you all the way Caz - tons and tons of love, sweetheart xxx

Dinah said...

Sending all my love and strength to the three of you. XxxxX

Geves Lafosse said...

Thinking of you, Jon and Alexander and sending lots of love for the next few days and beyond. xxxxxxx

Maria said...

I'm thinking of you. Praying. Come on baby Xander hold on to your mummy real tight!!!!!!!



Anonymous said...

Sending you strength Caz and praying for that miracle xxx jmc

Anonymous said...

Vax, Jon and baby xander, every inch of me sends you love and hugs, and up there a beautiful angel, anabelle, is watching over you all. Xxxxx thinking and sending prayers for you all xxx Catherine from bugz x

Anonymous said...

Sorry, caz.... Mistyped....

Mary said...

My heart sank when I read this. I am praying my heart out that your little boy arrives safely.


Sarita Boyette said...

Although I live in the US & have never met you, we are connected by the losses of our children. I truly pray that the doctors keep you and your baby boy safe until such a time when he can be delivered ready to live in the world. I am very sorry and my heart goes out to you. May God keep you and baby boy in His arms and protect you both.

Emma/MilkNoSugar said...

Am thinking of you all today xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

When you see your doctor tomorrow ask about the evidence. The evidence is there for the outcomes for babies born at 32 weeks - she will be able to tell you the risks of delivery. At your stage or close to it I don't think they would attempt a vaginal delivery so you're looking at a section - and that has risks too of course. Then ask her for the evidence about stillbirth, what evidence is there that your loss of Anabelle can be ascribed to causes that will not repeat themselves. What evidence is there that this event is a co-incidence? I suspect she will be able to provide plenty of information regarding the former - that you can weigh up and consider - and none at all regarding the latter because the answer is that they do not know. The risks of continuing are unmeasurable - and to me that makes the decision simple. The very least you should receive is a hospital stay until you deliver. I wouldn't go home either.

May the Lord bless and keep all three of you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift his countenance upon you and give you his peace.

Jo said...

I know that there are no words to help your fears. It must be a terrifying time for you. I am sending love to you all, willing your baby boy to be strong, and willing your darling girl to take care of you all.
Jo xx

Sara said...

Sending love, hope and prayers to you.


Anonymous said...

Caz, there are no words to describe how I am wishing for Xander's safe arrival.
Sending strength your way, you will have him in your arms soon.
Tamara xxx

Jan said...

I'm hoping and praying for your miracle xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping that "no news is good news". Wishing hard for Alexander's safe delivery. xxx

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you all. You have been a true inspiration since I lost my beautiful daughter in February. Keep strong xXx

Anonymous said...

Phew, just read on MN today that you are ok at the moment... stay safe, stay put for your Mummy, Xander!! Only three weeks to go! xxx

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Jon and Zander *caz*

Lavandes xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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