Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Happy Year and Half Birthday

This week I've a huge wobble, as I've already said.  The whole breast-feeding issue came to a head, I still need to resolve my feelings on this on another blog another day. Anabelle's year and a half birthday has got me, that is today. The Christmas build up has got me,  but I at least have the knowledge this year that the build up is likely to be far worse than the actual day.

I used to concentrate on every 21st - counting the months during her first year. Of course I still think of her every 21st, I know how many months old she is; like I know Alexander is 2 months old (although I'm still counting his age in weeks really!) But as I predicted after a first birthday the months become less significant; when asked how old you can say they are one year old, not X months old. Instead the half years become the new significant. Well that is how it seems to me anyway. 

Today our daughter is/should be 18 months old, a year and half old. Another milestone. The day she becomes a toddler.  Yesterday I once again walked down the baby clothes aisle in the supermarket and mentally picked out what I would buy for her now she is getting bigger, should be getting bigger. Jon says I should stop tormenting myself with what should've been and concentrate on what is. Concentrate on Alexander and what I can buy for him.

I know he is probably right; but Xander is my son and not my daughter. It is different.

I still hurt everyday for Anabelle, but it isn't the constant all-consuming type hurt. It's there in the background. Granted; it catapults to the front frequently, like with the supermarket baby clothes yesterday, but I go about most days without crying, in fact sometimes a whole week. Meltdowns in comparison to a year ago are few and far between. Well, averaging monthly apart now at least.

If someone had said to me 18 months ago, or even 12 months ago, I'd be in this place today I wouldn't have believed them. I didn't believe anything would ever be 'better'. Today I know things are never going to be better, not like they should be; but I'm willing to accept this might be as good as it gets, and some of it is very good. I have a good marriage, a good husband, a beautiful son.

December is just a harder month than most.

Happy one and a half birthday my beautiful girl. I would love to see how you've grown.


Anonymous said...

It IS different, choosing things for a boy than a girl. To be honest I think most (not all by any means, but most) men don't quite get that. For a start, mothers once being girls ourselves, are in their comfort zone when it comes to picking out girly things. We just know where we are with it, plus most girl things are pretty and a pleasure to buy, whereas boys things are attractive but not in the same way. You have mentioned in previous posts that Jon hopes Xander is into cars in the future; well, it's probably a similar thing for you, wanting to indulge in girly things. I know the clothes and other items are superficial but the hurt is real; not being able to indulge Anabelle in the things you would have liked her to have is real.
I would occasionally buy something if I were you, that you have picked out for Anabelle. You have a compulsion to visit the girls' section but it is presenting a tantalising glimpse "through the window" experience for you which is painful. Sometimes we have to take a step backwards to eventually go forwards, if that makes sense. It might also ease your spirit to look at lovely neutral items that you might well have bought for Anabelle but that you can use for Alexander, such as lemon, white and cream items. It is not a weakness to occasionally act on the urge to provide for your daughter as well as your son, especially through these difficult times. Much love x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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