After Anabelle

Mother's Day is looming. Looming like a dark cloud. 

Shouldn't this year be different? Shouldn't I be more together about it this year? 

But no, here I am agonising about it. Agonising because I don't know what to do about it. There is the part of me that thinks I should celebrate this year, even a tiny part of me that wants too; because this is Alexander's first proper Mother's Day. It should be special, shouldn't it?  

The last two years I have been pregnant on Mother's Day. In 2010 I was pregnant with Anabelle. Jon bought me a 'Mother-to-be' card and made a real fuss of me. Then last year, 2011, my heart broke all day. I had to endure Mother's Day without my baby girl. But I was pregnant again, about 8 weeks pregnant with Alexander. Jon tried to mark it gently; from Belle and our new baby, we went and spent the day where we got married. But it stung. I cried before I'd even got out of bed. 

Now there is this year... 

I don't want Alexander to grow up thinking that Mother's Day is only about my grief for his sister. He needs to know me being his Mummy matters just as much, and it does, he is everything to me, but I'm dreading the day this year. Maybe even more so than last year. 

Last year the only expectation on me was to be miserable, this year I don't know what the expectation is. It makes me feel sick. 

I know maybe I should be making some effort this Mother's Day. But engulfing the parts that wants me to have a special day there is a bigger part wanting it to all go away. The adverts, the banners around and about the supermarkets and shops, the build up.

Will it always be like this?