Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Today I've Been...

I'm about to sound like one of those women I resented so much two years ago. 

The ones who were returning to work after their maternity leave and feeling sad about leaving their babies. The ones I wanted to scream at while I was returning to work after Anabelle,  'well at least your baby is there when you get home from work, stop moaning and find something real to be distraught about. Try going back to work after a maternity leave without your baby, your baby being dead, going home to an empty house.' 

Yes, I was full of vile back then. 

Now, I'm that woman. Feeling sad about leaving my baby. Today I went back to work again. 

I was ok about going back to work, to be fair. I wasn't nervous about leaving Alexander; I knew he would have a nice day with my Mum and Dad. Lots of me was actually looking forward to being a teacher again. I love my job, I get a lot of satisfaction from it. I work with beautiful children and a great team. 

But tonight I've realised I've spent just shy of two hours with my baby today. Two little hours. An hour this morning which was basically rushing around getting out of the house, and an hour this evening before he went to bed.  I got to work at a little past 8 this morning and left at 4.40. I could've easily spent another hour or more in work this evening.   There is so much to catch up on and get stuck into again. Is this what all my teaching days are going to be like?  

I don't feel like I've held my son enough today. I've worried a little today that seeing his mother for such a short time on working days will be detrimental to his development and well-being. 

In all honesty, in an ideal world I would probably be a stay at home mother. That would be the best thing for our family. I've absolutely adored being home with Xander and a huge part of me relishes the idea of remaining home with him. But there is little point me dwelling on this because we're in no position for me not to work; we greatly rely on my income.  Beyond this, I struggle to shake the feeling that giving up work would feel somewhat like I'd wasted my degree, or rather my parents money paying to put me through university. 

So we're going to be making the best of it. I'll be continuing to work part-time and being at home with my baby for more of the week than I'm away from him. Now I have to learn to balance work and home so it doesn't leave me being a mediocre rubbish Mummy or a mediocre rubbish teacher.  Because I just don't do mediocre. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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