Jon thinks I need to go back to counselling. Hurt and grief and missing her now so consuming again he is concerned. We're in different places. He has reached acceptance; I'm a million miles from there.
I'm not sure I want to, or can, ever accept my daughter being dead. I can't move on from her. Despite everything I have in my life, and the joy that surrounds so much of what we do with Alexander, part of my existence is stuck, there in June 2010, where she is. When I had her, held her, when she was real; not the photographs, rituals and headstone she is now.
I haven't been to counselling since Anabelle's first birthday. I sort of stopped going without meaning to stop. I cancelled one week because of illness and just never rebooked another one. I didn't quite mean not to go again, my counsellor text a few times to remind me she was there; I'm not sure why I didn't book another appointment, I wasn't better. But then a few weeks past and it felt harder to ring and make an appointment.
Then I got more and more pregnant with Xander, ended up in hospital at 32 weeks, and then the daily hospital visits just to keep me half sane until he was born took over. Then he was born, screaming, and my dream of being an earth Mummy took over, on a high as it were, completely immersed in Xander and everything that he is.
Counselling was forgotten. I figured I was doing ok without it anyway.
But now we're not so sure. I'm struggling to balance the absolute joy of being a rainbow Mummy to Alexnder with the despair of being an angel Mummy to Anabelle. I'm so desperately missing my girl, my pain and fear for the future and what forever means is putting enormous pressure on my family. Eighteen months since my last appointment I might have to pluck the courage up to go again. To make that phonecall, to make an appointment, to talk about these last eighteen months and what I'm not coping with right now.
Maybe this is going to have to be my new years resolution 2013.
1 comments:
I could write this myself I have had counselling since 3 months after Esmée died and I feel I am in need of help before I go under. think it will be my new years resolution too. thanks caz for giving me a nudge xx
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