Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

A Year Since...

... my BFP! 

Last 28th February I wrote a blog about my 8 month old post-partum body. I was feeling a bit fat, wobbly a week before my birthday and feeling old (and still do) before my time; a mother's body without her baby. The ironic thing is, I wrote that post in the morning and then at dinner time that day I found out I was pregnant again! Nevermind post-pregnant body - now it was newly pregnant body!

So a year ago today we found out we were expecting Alexander, although we didn't of course know he was him yet. Another baby. And so started a ruthlessly long pregnancy; can you believe its been a year? 

I find it remarkable that this time last year he was barely a speck and today I have him sleeping in my  arms as I type. A year ago we didn't dare to believe this would actually come true, that he would come true. 

What a wonderful early birthday present he was for us both! A glimmer of a rainbow. 

Last year we were in London on my birthday. The visit in January had mostly done us both good and unsure how birthdays would feel without our Anabelle we'd decided to escape there again for March! 

So on my birthday we visited Hamley's to buy something for our new baby.  We chose a white rabbit with a blue bow; maybe we instinctively knew he was a boy! I was barely pregnant but buying the rabbit was symbolic to us, being brave, not quite hopeful but recognising our new baby, creating a memory with them. Something we could've kept forever of them if it had all gone wrong, even then. 

His rabbit was eventually packed in my hospital bag and the first toy he had with him in the cot after he was born. I must take some pictures of him with it. 

This year we are excited that we get to spend our birthdays with him. Jon as both days off; any ideas what we can do as special birthday days out with the baby? 

*sigh* It gets me thinking though. What complicated lives we lead now; being able to enjoy so much whilst hurting so much about exactly the same thing. Excited that we can have a fun day out with Xander, but sad that we only can with him...bittersweet.

But here right now for today; so thankful that my BFP a year ago is the baby in my arms! Happy 'we've loved you for  a year' day, little man! 
Monday, 27 February 2012

Four Month Baby Boy

I know I said this last month too, I'll probably be saying it every month; but Alexander has changed so much! Just today Jon has exclaimed that our baby boy is growing up so fast. 

Now four months old he's had a great month. He is coming on leaps and bounds and we're both so excited about this new stage of babyhood in him; the tiny newborn days seem so long ago already! Xander is increasingly becoming more ready to explore his world; less sleeping, more proper playing and interacting! 

So where to start?! 

Well over the last month or so he has definitely had a major growth spurt! All of a sudden he seemed "all-boy" - much more solid and robust. He's now wearing 3-6 month clothes and has gone up to a size 3 nappy, and he seems to be filling his clothes out much more quickly than he filled out his 0-3s! 

Physically he's becoming much more steady with his movements. His head control his amazing and he's so eager to be sitting up; with a little prompt he'll use his tummy muscles and your hands to pull himself into sitting position and will use your hands to support himself there for a short time.  He loves the game! Tummy time has developed from lifting his head to burying his face in the floor instead! Now he'll bury his face and lift his legs and bottom in an attempt to try and launch himself to roll back over. He is not quite there yet, he'll attempt a few times, but easily gets frustrated and starts shouting at me to roll him back! But I really don't think it will be too much longer before he gets it!

Playtime is becoming more and more purposeful. Last month he was swiping at objects; now at four and a bit months old he is so focused on what his hands can do. Attempting to grab toys and succeeding much of the time, he looks so intently at them, and our hands too! If he gets a hold of them straight to his mouth they are trying to go! Chewing on his hands, our hands, the same with bibs and muslins! 

Alexander certainly is starting to like the sound of his own voice! His new sounds are uh-goo and goo-goo; he has also learnt how to screech a little bit to get your attention! He loves a conversation and he is really starting to understand the game; in work we call it intensive interaction. He will make a sound, I will copy it, he notices I've copied him, he repeats it louder, waits and watches me, I copy him;  getting louder and louder and so on and so forth! Very cute! 

We're enjoying being out and about a lot more. Alexander gets a lot out of watching other children; he is mesmerised by other babies and children. Each Monday I now take him swimming and Friday to a baby music session. He is doing so well at both and over only six weeks I've noticed his become more confident in these activities, interact more, developing early emerging skills! 

So important milestones to note this month...

One: The beautiful sound of his first proper laugh! For weeks he has been doing little squeals when getting excited, his version of a laugh, baby laughs! At 16 weeks old Xander did a proper little chuckly giggle! Very cute. So far things that have randomly made him laugh (but never when repeated of course!); my Mum saying all our names in a high squeaky voice, Sorreya tickling him, Jon blowing raspberries on his tummy, and me saying 'Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo' in a funny voice! Now we need to find something that consistently makes him laugh!

Two: Going from the moses basket in our room, into the big cot in his own room. This was a big moment for me, you'll have read the blog about my neurotic obsessing about it, getting anxious about it. But in reality the move has been remarkably smooth. We'd pushed the moses beyond its limit and I knew it was time for the cot. He looks so tiny in his big bed! For a few nights Xander took longer to settle into bed, but once down and asleep he has continued to sleep really well. He seems really happy and comfortable in his own cot and there have been perks to him being in his own room; once again we can snuggle up in bed and watch the evening TV from up there without the risk of disturbing the baby so much! 

Three: Xander really shows recognition of Jon and I as Mummy and Daddy now. This is such a huge development leap; knowing there are 'special' people! He absolutely beams when he sees us; much more so than anyone else.  He is also starting to show differing behaviours for familiar and not so familiar faces and is even sometimes becoming very wary, unsure.  And on a couple of occasions now with unfamiliar faces; looking around for us and crying until he is back in our arms! 

So that was Alexander turning four months old! I wonder what his fifth month is going to bring!? We're really enjoying watching him grow! We're so unbelievably proud of him! Do my teacher type reports show?! 

He is such a blessing, every day. 

My beautiful boy and me! 




Friday, 24 February 2012

Questions of Twelves


Ah, I've been tagged in a game. The rules are as follows - 



1) You must post the rules
2) Post 12 fun facts about yourself in the blog post
3) Answer the questions the tagger has set for you in their post and then create 12 new questions for the fellow bloggers you plan to tag
4) Tag 12 people and link to them on your blog
5) Let them know you tagged them


I have been tagged by Bex who tweets @mummyadventure and blogs here.


So let’s start with the 12 fun facts about myself, I will try to make them interesting…

1)  Pink hasn’t always been my favourite colour. For a long time as a child my favourite colour was yellow. So one birthday I had a yellow bike! I can’t remember when pink took over as the favourite!

2) I love birthdays! There is no such thing as birth’days’ – I believe in birthweeks! Mine is coming up in less than two weeks! Just so you know!

3) At 26 years and over 11 months old I am teething. Another wisdom tooth is erupting through the gums! I thought I’d be too old for all that now.

4) I have what my husband calls ‘Phoebe Moments’  (as from Friends) where I say something cute/or dense. As an example; on our first day trip date to Longleat, during our drive through the lion enclosure, I described one of the lions as a Boy Lion. My first Phoebe moment he said!

5)  I’m a bit addicted to facebook, twitter and my pink place forum. I expect I would be mortified if my weekly usage was counted up!

6) I’m scared of the dark. I hate getting out of bed in the night without putting a light on first. Every now and again I get so bothered by it I have to sleep with the light on for a few nights.

7) I’m a planner. Some people call me a control freak but I love being organised and seeing it all come together. Special details are important to me.

8) I was a nail biter until I was 23. Then I discovered acrylic nails a year before I got married in an attempt to have pretty hands for my wedding. I never stopped having acrylic nails, so now I always feel they are pretty. My once a month salon time treat to myself.

9)  Pyjamas are easily my favourite clothes. Can’t go wrong buying me new pyjamas! Maternity leave is a great excuse for getting in far more pyjama days than I would do otherwise!  I’m a slob at heart!

10)  I’m genuinely freaked out by people wearing animal or character suits. You know the ones. People dressed up as Pudsey Bear collecting money for Children in Need, the walking around characters at Disney. Urgh. Shudder. Heebiejeebies!

11) I can never really decide what my favourite season is. I think if I have to choose just one I would probably say Autumn.

12) I am able to whip up a pretty decent meal. Baking cakes on the other hand; not so hot!


 Now to answer the questions set for me:

1)Who do you think would win in a fight, snap, crackle or pop? Crackle
2) If you could dress in only one colour for the rest of your life what would it be? Blue, it brings out the colour of my eyes.
3)cloth or disposable? Disposable. I know, not eco-friendly.
4)Would you most like to wake up next to tomorrow? My husband of course.
5)What is your favourite film? When Harry Met Sally
6)If you won the lottery what would be the first thing you bought? A bigger forever home house. Nothing flashy, not a ridiculous mansion. Just a nice sized 4-bed with a good catchment school. Closely followed by a new car.  
7)And who would be the first person you called? My Mum and Dad
8)Did you have a nickname at school and what was it? Caz was my proper nickname. Some silly people called me Aston for a while – as in Aston Villa. My maiden name is Villars… 
9)How many children would you like, and does your OH want the same number? I’ve always wanted 3. Jon always just wanted one. So far we have two. Not in the way it is supposed to be of course. But we do plan one more. So it will be 3. 
10)Knock Knock. . . Who's there? (finish the joke) Abbott. Abbott who?  Abbott time you opened the door. (and yes, I’ll admit it, Jon googled one for me!) 
11)Describe yourself in three words. You tell me...?! 
12)What is next on your bucket list? I don’t have a bucket list…




Now for the questions I’m going to set
  •  Cat or Dog? 
  • Apple or Banana?
  •   Tea or Coffee?
  • Favourite day of the week?
  • Favourite month of the year?
  • Favourite year of your life so far?
  • Favourite shape?
  • If you’re happy and you know it, what do you do?
  • What is your worst habit?
  • What animal would you want to be and why?  
  • Favourite children’s book?
  • What did you have for tea tonight?


Wow, well that took me forever! Days I've been doing bits of this! 

Now I’m going to tag the following people to join in, apparently I have to tag 12, doubt I'll get that far… but if you do take part please let me know so I can read through your answers!  It is all part of the fun! If I've tagged you and you hate these things; accept my apologies and ignore me! 


Wednesday, 22 February 2012

More Ranting About OBEM

I was all set to eat my words. My rant last week prompted by a negligent insensitive comment on twitter. Really I was. All ready to be proved wrong and to take my rant back. 

When I heard OBEM was focussing on a lady who had a previous baby born sleeping this week I was a bit flabbergasted. Last weeks rant couldn't have been more aptly timed. 

After not being able to bring myself to watch the series since Anabelle died; this week I braved myself up to it. I wanted to try and watch in solidarity of the brave family having their rainbow child. 

So I've sat and watched. I spent the first 30 minutes feeling physically sick and full of nervous energy.  I made Jon sit and watch it with me. 

Now at the end of OBEM I am disappointed. Disappointed with the series and the hospital. 

Firstly, I will applaud what I think they did do quite well; so people don't think I'm all negative...

I thought the grandmother talking of her experience decades ago was really very moving. It gave a real glimpse of a grief that lasts forever. A grief like mine. Her fear of something going wrong for her daughter was evident, and really that is exactly what pregnancy is like after a baby is born asleep; full of fear. 

The midwives agreed as much. It is true that baby loss Mums remain convinced that it not only can happen to them again, but will.  You know that throughout Alexander's pregnancy I was constantly terrified, my faith non-existent that my baby would come home. Even now he is here I spend so much of my time wobbling he might be taken from me. My precious boy.  

As an over-all glimpse, a tiny insight, it did OK.

But then there was the things that annoyed me throughout the programme. 

That poor lady, Sarah, being referred to as a first time mother. I really felt for her; wanted to correct them for her. She has a son, her son has a name. She herself mentioned him by name, Jordan;  the hospital should have extended them both the same courtesy. All too often people are all too quick to discount the stillborn child. That is still my experience, so often is Anabelle subtly overlooked. But that is another blog post for another time. 

Then there was the use of terminology. Midwives, you of ALL people should be capable of using the correct terminology, even if the terminology stinks. If a baby was to be born sleeping at 40+6 weeks it would not be a late miscarriage. It would be a stillbirth.   Little details to some maybe; but to me very important. The use of late miscarriage needs addressing on a big scale, for any woman who gives birth to her child and after the first trimester, miscarriage in my opinion, is an inappropriate term. But again, that is another blog post for another time. 

Sigh. 

But my biggest bugbear about tonight's programme?  

That although it has touched on such an important subject, it has negated to really raise awareness or promote prevention of baby death.  OBEM failed to deliver the message that so many babies still die today, it failed to tell its viewers the importance of being vigilant with baby movements and counting the kicks, it failed to empower women to bother their midwives whenever they are worried. 

Stillbirth is not a subject you can be half-arsed about. If you are going to cover it, do it thoroughly and well. Make an impact for the better. 

I'm told OBEM is not there to educate, but an observational documentary programme. I'm told that lots of different types of births are shown, with varying circumstances and degrees of interventions; but that these circumstances and interventions are never backed up with facts, figures or background information. Never followed up with the after care or how babies get on.   That isn't the format of the programme.

I will say again, this type of portrayal of anything; whether it be stillbirth, forceps, shoulder discotia or any other trauma in the delivery room is irresponsible. I think the format of the programme needs changing. 

But that isn't the point of OBEM apparently. Its a fly on the wall documentary.  

But is it really? I'm still arguing my point from last week that observational documentary is really another expression for 'yet another C4 reality TV show'

Sigh.

I may be passionate about stillbirth. Some people may think far too much so. Maybe you think I should stop my ranting, stop voicing my opinion, stop talking about Anabelle. 

But to me, if me an angel Mum and other angel Mums and Dads are not going to be passionate about a subject so close to our hearts, for our sons and daughters, and attempt to break the taboo then who is? 

Do it properly Channel 4...
Saturday, 18 February 2012

5. Reasons to be Cheerful

A mostly quiet week this week; the baby spent the first half recovering from his cold, we all fancied being a bit lazy and now this weekend has arrived I'm not 100%. Another out of hours trip today has revealed tonsillitis and a ear infections. Lucky me. 

Anyway, I'm sure the antibiotics will clear it up in no time at all, and a roast dinner tomorrow is bound to make everything feel better! 

This week we have been cheerful because: 
  • Sunday the baby was much brighter and bounced back from his cold really well. Well enough for me to leave him at home for some Daddy time while I went to church on my own. It was really refreshing to have a 'quiet' service!
  • Monday I decided, although much better the baby still wasn't well enough for swimming, which was a shame as Jon had the day off especially to watch him. But we still had a nice day and went to get Xander weighed instead! 17 weeks old and 14lb 8oz! Growing nicely! 
  • Tuesday we started the transition of moving Xander into his own room. My resevations are well documented here but I'm pleased to say so far it has been smooth for us all. Night one he slept in his moses in the cot, night two we decided to ditch the moses and night three he was an old hand at it! Apart from taking longer to drop off, when he is asleep he has been sleeping very well. I'm going to be brave and call mission own room a success!
  • Thursday I used all the Tesco Clubcard vouchers we've been saying up over the last year (£50) to convert them into holiday tokens! Today £150 worth of holiday tokens arrived! Hooray?! That will be a big help, and we should be able to covert a bit more before we book too. Really looking forward to taking Xander in his first holiday this summer! 
  • Yesterday I had super news; Anabelle's Angel Day has pulled in another £250 by a company matching what was raised by the lovely ladies 'up north' who did a NE Angel Day for her! I'm so excited! It brings us so close to my target of 10k by her second birthday! With this extra £250, Anabelle will have raised £9891.97 for Sands!  The final £109.03 should be easy by 21st June yes?! 
This week we're linking up at Seasider In the City. Lots of other people are being cheerful too! 

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Ranting About OBEM

As you already know; I'm not watching OBEM. Although I might as well be, everything I would need to know about each episode is plastered over Facebook and Twitter.

Each week my news feed is flooded with 'gaspy' type status updates. You know; the sort of status where the birth has been amazing, or terrifying or someone has been holding their breathe and then relieved that the baby is ok. 

It may just be me. I'll add a disclaimer in here; not having watched the actual programme I may be getting the wrong end of the stick, but I'm getting the distinct impression that childbirth is being sensationalised by Channel 4; and that I think is very irresponsible. 

I know I know, they are always going to choose the births that are a little bit different, that little bit more dramatic, to make 'good' television. But still. Is it really needed? Birth is precious. Each baby a little miracle. 

I fear OBEM is becoming less the documentary it was and more reality TV. 

So  how about them covering some real reality? 

Last night on my Twitter feed somebody posed the question if OBEM would ever show the reality of stillbirth.  The reply from one was quick; God I hope not, she said. I can't imagine anyone wanting to see that, no woman would want to relive it.  

When tackled about the opportunity to raise awareness and save babies lives? The question came would it really raise awareness, or would it scare? The show has plenty of issues already, apparently. Such as epidurals, inductions, hospital births, bottle feeding etc... 

Really? Really? These are considered issues? I'm aghast. The ignorance annoys me. 

You know what; she is probably right. Of course no-one would want to see that, and the 'issues' OBEM do cover they don't explain well so I'm told. But do you think we wanted it to happen to us? Do you think we wanted our daughter to die? Why is it ok for so many people to bury their heads in the sand? Ignore baby death because it is too big a taboo to tackle? Because it makes you uncomfortable? For goodness sake; a moment of your fear, a moment feeling uncomfortable is nothing compared to the lifetime of fear and pain bereaved parents are left with. 

Why is it ok for the majority of our population to be ignorant to the fact 17 babies die every single day? 

Handled sensitively, appropriately and with an expectionally brave family OBEM or similar could do a lot of good. To raise awareness of a vastly overlooked statistic in our society. To raise awareness of the other side of midwifery. To raise awareness of the importance of monitoring baby movements, how reduce risks to your baby, to empower women to seek help as soon as they feel something isn't quite right; instead of so many women feeling like they are bothering their midwife/doctor/maternity units with their worries. Why are we a culture of not causing a fuss? 

In reality Channel 4 is probably not the place to do this, they are characterised by sensationalist documentaries; but they could educate about important issues on OBEM instead of making it all about their ratings. Because I tell you what; epidurals, induction, hostpial births, bottle feeding etc are no where near in rank; consequently at the end of the day none of that matters.

It does not matter I had an induction, or an epidural because my son is alive. It does not matter where he was born because my son is alive. It does not matter how he is fed because my son is alive. 

My son is alive; that is the only bit of any birth that matters. 
Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Valentine's Day Baby

A year ago Sunday the Pastor's wife came and told me that we'd been on her mind. She said she felt led to pray for us, our next pregnancy and our new baby. We weren't pregnant yet, she didn't know we were TTC again; I hadn't told her. But the timing was amazing, I was quite bowled over. 

She prayed, and then the next day, Valentine's Day to be precise, we conceived Alexander. Of course we didn't know it yet, but I would get my BFP two weeks later. 

Call it coincidence if you like; but to me he was an instant answer to those prayers. Prayed into existence; God gave us our son. The pregnancy was not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination, the scares are well documented. But 8 months later, after being conceived on the 14th of the month he was also born on the 14th of the month. Quite special. 

So our little boy has existed for a year. How amazing is that?!  Maybe a little bit too much information there too though! 

Our little Alexander is 4 months old today; where is the time going so quickly? I'll tell you what he's been up to for the last month when I post next time! He's been a busy boy again! 
Sunday, 12 February 2012

A Shining Faith

A few days ago I said that my faith needed a boot up the bum. Last night I came across another baby loss blog and I think it was the boot up the bum I'd asked for. Fran writes over at Small Bird Studios. She writes so eloquently about her life after loss, and what was so awe inspiring to me was how beautifully her faith came across, despite it all. 

I've remarkably failed in that; because my faith is often wobbly. 

Too wobbly for me to write about it when I'm in the midst of a constant personal battle. I know I believe wholeheartedly and I know God is on my side but I still haven't shaken away my anger at God enough to find true peace with my daughter's absence. I've written about my anger before; and I still believe God is big enough to take it. Somehow in time it will all be moulded into something else, that is my hope, something more positive. Alexander is evidence of that; because now mixed in with my occasional uprising of anger at God is true thankfulness to Him too. I have been truly blessed with my boy. 

I don't understand why He needed my Anabelle. Maybe peace will not come until my own death, maybe then the reason for her absence will be revealed. I believe when I die we will be reunited, I will hold my daughter again. I don't know if she'll still be a baby or if she'll have grown up but I like to think He saved her; saved her from an illness we and the Dr's couldn't see. Sometimes thinking that brings a slither of comfort, even if I do not know it to be true. 

My baby loss blog isn't special; well it is special and unique of course to Anabelle, but so many mothers write about their life after the death of their child. So many grieving parents trying to make sense of it all. My blog roll is quite full of people experiencing their own journey such as mine. Small Bird however has inspired me to try and make hope shine through more regularly on mine.

Hebrews 11 v 1 (NIV)
'Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.' 

Saturday, 11 February 2012

4. Reasons to be Cheerful

I'm really enjoying joining in Mummy From The Heart's weekly bloghop. Reasons to be Cheerful. I'm two weeks behind everyone else with my reasons to be cheerful but 2012 is already marking such a difference in me. Last year I just couldn't find it within me to focus on my reasons to smile; this year I'm determined to appreciate my blessings, because there are many. 

This week Xander had his third set of infant immunisations; and boy did he feel them this time. The first two sets he hardly made a peep, this week he howled. The next day the sniffles started (related/unrelated? who knows!) and now he has a full blown cold; his first one. He sounds chesty and has an awful barking cough. My poor baby, but even he is managing to remain (for the most part!) cheerful! 

This week I have been cheerful because: 
  • The baby looked super cute in his little rugby kit last weekend! We enjoyed a lovely Sunday lunch with friends and watched the rugby. Bonus happy; Wales won! 
  • Monday we joined the later group for baby swimming. After two weeks of being the only baby in the class at 10.00am we thought it would be more beneficial for Xander to have other babies/toddlers to swim with. Definitely the right decision; he loved watching the other children! 
  • My Mum arranged Xander's dedication cake. It is going to be gorgeous. And the extra special factor; it is being made by the same lady who made our wedding cake. You know how I love connections like that. 
  • Jon had an extra day off Friday so he could come and watch Xander at baby music. Unfortunately Xander was not at his brightest and later on that day went down fast with his cold, but he still had a good time. Afterwards he even enjoyed the ball pool in the soft play area. 
  • Xander's nursery place has been arranged and confirmed ready for September. We are lucky that on my return to work we will only be paying for one day childcare; I am part-time so will be enjoying Mummy and baby time at the start of the week, two days he will be spending with Nana and Bampi and the final day he'll be in nursery. We are really happy with our choice, it is a fabulous nursery. 
  • I'm ever grateful for our access to the NHS. After going to bed sounding rough and getting up sounding even rougher this morning we took Xander to the out of hours GP service.  Ok, so the Dr we saw had the charisma of a fish and it wasn't the most reassured I've ever felt; but we were able to get the baby seen quickly. Of course it has its faults, but thank you God for the free healthcare in this country. 
  • Silver lining to a poorly baby? Super Snuggle Saturday! 

 So as you can see; the main reason to be cheerful this week? My gorgeous boy! 

Supporting his team! 

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Fear Management

I've been struggling to articulate this post for a few days. 

I'm afraid I'm becoming one of those permanently neurotic mother's. Rational trying to beat away irrational thoughts all of the time. Once again my boy has appeared dead in my dreams. Sunday night. He was floating face down in a swimming pool, drowned. Jon dived in to get to him but he was already dead. Limp and lifeless in the water. 

I know the trigger; Monday morning is swimming day. We've really been enjoying swimming, Alexander loves the water, its been fun. Not once in my conscience thought has it entered my mind this activity could hurt him, kill him. My dreams had other ideas. I woke up short of breath and almost panicking, it seemed so real. Of course it wasn't real; how would an almost 4 month old baby ever be left unattended in the water for something so awful to happen. I would never do that, why did I dream that? 

What is wrong with me? I'm like a woman obsessed.This has to stop surely? How long will these waves of all engulfing fear continue? Will I fear every scenario, statistic, risk to this extent for the rest of his life? 

There are fine lines between normal Mummy fears to bereaved Mummy fears, to verging almost on needing to get a grip.  I'm trying very hard not to be a cotton wool Mummy but I think I'm heading towards needing to get a grip. 

Something beyond awful happened to us; our daughter died. I'm having another of those moments where I can't comprehend the enormity of it all. Anabelle's death is going to colour everything for the rest of our lives, how we react, how we think and how we parent. A massive rippling effect on how I now perceive risks compared with what the actual risk might be. Risks are always magnified now. 

The risk of my daughter not coming home was 1 in 200. Small. I was considered a low risk pregnancy, I was only 25, I didn't fit into any of the high-risk of stillbirth catergories. But I was that 1.  It always feels entirely plausible that I could be that 1 in a statistic again. The doom and gloom-est in me has an awful habit of jumping to and imagining the worst case scenario in everything; irrational often wins.  Why can't I just believe my son is here to stay and that nothing awful is going to happen to us again? 

My faith needs a boot up the backside. 

I agree entirely with recent comments on my blog.. I need a risk management plan surrounding Alexander and other aspects in our lives; or maybe more precisely a fear management plan. I just don't even know where to start.  


Saturday, 4 February 2012

3. Reasons to be Cheerful


A bit of a mixed week in the Morgan household. Although happy for the main baby boy has appeared to be showing signs of the beginning of teething mixed in with going on a #2 strike. A few horrible crying episodes and sometimes difficult to console; which is completely out of character for him. But still; a special week with some more of his firsts...

This week I am cheerful because:
  • Last Saturday I had a lie in! After feeding Xander I rolled back into bed and Jon got up for baby playtime! (I've also had another Saturday lie in today! How blissful, long may the introduction of Saturday lie in's continue!) 
  • Last Saturday evening Jon and I had our first 'date' night since Alexander was born. My Mum sat for the baby for a couple of hours and we walked to the local pub to enjoy a few drinks and some food. 
  • Alexander discovered another new sound; adding to his ever growing sound vocabulary is now goo-goo. 
  • Alexander's dedication invitations have arrived and been sent out! 
  • We've had beautiful proper little baby giggles for the first time. Gurgley little chuckles, so very cute; only Daddy hasn't heard it yet! I hope that will be one of next weeks R2BC! 
  • January 31st arrived and I have completed month one of my Picturing Twenty Twelve challenge! Really enjoying capturing the little (and big) moments in our days, now into month two. 
  • Today we've had our first sticky snow of the year. There were snowflakes in the air on Monday but today we had a tiny bit stick on the ground. Long enough to get Alexander out to experience his first snow; although he seems distinctly unimpressed when a flake landed on his nose! 
  • This afternoon I've been shopping with my best friend and she bought the baby shoes to go with his outfit for his dedication! So gorgeous and I'm getting very excited about it all now! It is going to be a very special day. 


Looking forward to another cheerful week next week...  *smiley face* 


Friday, 3 February 2012

The Moses

The moses basket's days are numbered. Which means the cot and Alexander's own room looms ever closer. 

The date is set. A countdown to the 14th February when he will be 4 months old. You know me; I have to have a plan, something I can work towards. So we made a plan; set a date. 

I'm not ready and I know I won't be ready on the 14th. But it has to happen. The cot will not fit in our room and we've pushed the moses basket to its absolute limit. Of course he's not bothered and he sleeps beautifully in there, but he has no growing room left. The time has come. I don't know what else we can do. 

His own room; he doesn't seem big enough, my tiny boy. Although now enormous in his moses, he is too small for his own room and looks tiny in his cot. 

It terrifies me we have to move him when the official 'cot-death' advice is to sleep in the same room as parents for the first 6 months. He will only be 4 months old to the day, 3 months old adjusted age; this move is frightening me a lot. I'm getting so anxious that we are increasing his risk of SIDS and our risk of becoming bereaved parents for the second time. 

It is so comforting him sleeping next to me; being able to look up and see the green flashing light of his breathing monitor confirming he is still alive, being able to reach my hand over to feel his chest rise and fall, hearing his soft little baby snores. 

Watching him on a monitor just won't be the same. I know every morning I'll be opening the door with bated breath praying the breathing monitor hasn't failed to alarm when it should have. 

Somebody tell me this will be ok...
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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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