Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

#13 #14 #15 Today

I'm behind. It is apparent I'm not going to finish January's part of 365 Questions. I think I'm going to just leave the left over questions at the end of January and just move on to February... anyway... a bit about my day today. 

What did you have for dinner today? 

Roast Beef

We joined my Mum, Dad and sister for roast lunch, like we do 95% of Sunday's now. It started off as a meal in the week while I was on maternity leave, but now its become our routine and I love it! We only miss it if we are away or have a different activity arranged. It is my favourite meal of the week. Mum and Dad cook up a great roast; fresh veg, fresh meat. Can't go wrong. 

What did you get done? 

Tidied Anabelle's garden

After lunch we went up to Anabelle. I'm ashamed to admit we haven't been up since Christmas and her Christmas tree was still up. The weekend following Christmas we were in Plymouth, I'm not sure what happened after that, but last weekend we were in Plymouth again and opportunity to go up, or my energy levels to go up seem to have passed us by.  

 Whilst clearing up Alexander's Christmas just involved placing cardboard packaging and wrapping paper in the bins, for Anabelle it feels like a major operation. Muddy, messy, dead and rotting flowers. It is no wonder I sometimes can't face it. Its hard, its always going to be hard. Sometimes I feel just numb there, going through the motions of making it tidy. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling numb. It is a long while since I stood above her grave and sobbed. Mostly I try not to think too hard while I am there. 

I've written before how I find it especially hard taking Alexander there; sometimes whether it be because he gets impatient and bored in his buggy and starts creating, or because I can't shake the fear he'll join her in that grave, or because most of the time it is cold and raining and it becomes an even bigger ordeal in poor weather. Not being able to leave Alexander in the car because I can't really see him or hear him if he's in there, and that will make me anxious, but worried about how cold he will be getting in his buggy for too long. Sometimes it feels a rush and a pressure up there and I don't want that. I like to go and be calm and take as much time as I need. Most of the time the weather doesn't give us that luxury. The summer months are so short. 

Luckily today we left Alexander with Mum and Dad for the half hour we were up the cemetery, but even on our own the weather was not on our side, as usual, it was bitter. 

Today I left feeling awful because we hadn't taken fresh flowers, no excuse other than it was simply a trip to go and take the tree down, because I was feeling increasingly anxious knowing it was still up over a month after Christmas, so we didn't plan flowers. Today it was cold and icy rain, we didn't have sponges and warm water to wash the headstone down. Everything felt weathered today. I continue to leave there every time feeling like we need to make more effort, feeling guilty because the space between our visits continues to be a month or more. 

Today, after all the snow and rain everything was mostly sodden and ruined up there and lots needed to be thrown out. It now looks really bare without her pink Christmas tree, garden elephant and snowman but next weekend we'll go and buy her some new pretty garden decorations and things to replace what has been thrown out.   Next weekend we'll go again and refresh her garden for the winter. 

Oh these are not the jobs a parent should have to do. 

Who last called you on the phone? 


He called me about 12:30pm to see if I was going home after church to pick him up before going to Mum and Dad's for dinner. I missed his call and phoned him back at 12.50pm. I didn't go to pick him up, he came up himself on his bike! 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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