Sunday, 10 March 2013
23:13 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
I set the bar of expectation too high; on myself, on today.
Being unfazed by the Mother's Day build up didn't bode as well for today as I'd hoped in yesterday's post. My third Mother's Day without Anabelle and I'm still reactive, still raw. I spoilt my own day.
It started well. I had thoughtful cards from the children via Jon, I had beautiful charms for my Pandora, perfect little charms for my babies. A blue stone star for Alexander and a pink stone heart for Belle. Truly spoilt, having more for Mother's Day than I'd had for my birthday earlier in the week! Although I suppose when it all falls together, its all much of a muchness really!
I was feeling OK. Then came the unexpected trigger. Groupon. A stupid spam,
wish they would stop emailing me daily groupon email was my falling today.
"Mother and daughter photoshoot"
The trigger for a chain of a events that left us unraveling fast.
My mood changed. Snappy. Jekyll and Hyde according to Jon.
My foul mood spiraled Jon and I got snipey with eachother. Of course I hadn't told him what had upset me, I'm not sure I knew right then exactly what had upset me so much, just that I felt prickly and overwhelmingly sad. Bickering, sniping, being unkind to eachother.
Bickering and snipey turned into a full blown (extremely rare) classy row outside the in-laws. Worse still our baby boy as a witness. I'm so ashamed.
We went our separate ways for an hour, both in a state. I went to Sainsbury's on my own to buy Anabelle flowers, completely drained, feeling emotionally exhausted, heavy, hurting. Neither of us with our phones; or at least mine was with Jon and Jon's was at home, although I didn't know it. I thought he was ignoring my calls from my parents house and that he had turned my phone off. He thought I didn't care enough to ring. Just a total mess of a morning. By the time we finally found each other again I was beside myself; because I needed Jon, I needed Anabelle, I needed Alexander, I needed my family and it all got too much.
In work we'd call it a crisis point. And I had hit my Mother's Day crisis. I reacted badly to an email, Jon reacted badly to my reaction. A chain of events, things said, handled badly, responded to badly, communication completely broken down. A bad day. We were not coping.
Better management of emotion would have resulted in a better end point. Sometimes it isn't that simple.
We'd made up by dinner time and Mother's Day continued for the better. We made Anabelle's garden bright and beautiful. Our Mother's and Grandmother's got their gifts, Xander's Godmother too, and we spent the evening with good friends.
This mornings trauma long forgotten.
A spam email reminding me today, of all days, that there will never be a mother and daughter photoshoot for me and Anabelle.
I will lower my expectations for next year and hope I won't always be like this.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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