Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Crisis


I set the bar of expectation too high; on myself, on today. 

Being unfazed by the Mother's Day build up didn't bode as well for today as I'd hoped in yesterday's post. My third Mother's Day without Anabelle and I'm still reactive, still raw. I spoilt my own day. 


It started well. I had thoughtful cards from the children via Jon, I had beautiful charms for my Pandora, perfect little charms for my babies. A blue stone star for Alexander and a pink stone heart for Belle. Truly spoilt,  having more for Mother's Day than I'd had for my birthday earlier in the week! Although I suppose when it all falls together, its all much of a muchness really!  

I was feeling OK. Then came the unexpected trigger. Groupon. A stupid spam, wish they would stop emailing me daily groupon email was my falling today.  




"Mother and daughter photoshoot"

The trigger for a chain of a events that left us unraveling fast. 

My mood changed. Snappy. Jekyll and Hyde according to Jon. 

My foul mood spiraled  Jon and I got snipey with eachother. Of course I hadn't told him what had upset me, I'm not sure I knew right then exactly what had upset me so much, just that I felt prickly and overwhelmingly sad. Bickering, sniping, being unkind to eachother.  

Bickering and snipey turned into a full blown (extremely rare) classy row outside the in-laws. Worse still our baby boy as a witness. I'm so ashamed. 

We went our separate ways for an hour, both in a state.  I went to Sainsbury's on my own to buy Anabelle flowers, completely drained, feeling emotionally exhausted, heavy, hurting. Neither of us with our phones; or at least mine was with Jon and Jon's was at home, although I didn't know it. I thought he was ignoring my calls from my parents house and that he had turned my phone off. He thought I didn't care enough to ring.  Just a total mess of a morning.  By the time we finally found each other again I was beside myself; because I needed Jon, I needed Anabelle, I needed Alexander, I needed my family and it all got too much. 

In work we'd call it a crisis point. And I had hit my Mother's Day crisis. I reacted badly to an email, Jon reacted badly to my reaction. A chain of events, things said, handled badly, responded to badly, communication completely broken down. A bad day. We were not coping. 

Better management of emotion would have resulted in a better end point. Sometimes it isn't that simple.

We'd made up by dinner time and Mother's Day continued for the better. We made Anabelle's garden bright and beautiful. Our Mother's and Grandmother's got their gifts, Xander's Godmother too, and we spent the evening with good friends.

This mornings trauma long forgotten. 

A spam email reminding me today, of all days, that there will never be a mother and daughter photoshoot for me and Anabelle. 

I will lower my expectations for next year and hope I won't always be like this. 



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope I'm not speaing out of turn, your post made my heart weep for you, your pain shines out in your words. You talked at the turn of the year about seeking to return to grief counselling - is this still something you are planning to do? I've never been in the heartbreaking place your in but, following other bereavement know that grief counselling really helped me in the long term.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Fiona

Caz said...

Thank you Fiona. Not speaking out of turn at all.

I still I still haven't braved up to that phonecall for counselling, I'm not sure what I'm so scared of, but I'm very nervous about it. I realise it is March though and the year is already a quarter of the way through. I also can't seem to figure out the logistics of fitting counselling in around X. I probably still need to go though and somebody probably needs to make me do it. I will get my parents to help with X.

Mother's Day was a spectacularly dark day, worst so far this year, but there are big hurdles coming up this year with many baby births that I cannot avoid. I probably need talking through this.

I have started going to a Sands rainbow babies group though which has already felt emotionally beneficial and I think I'm going to build good understanding support networks and friendships there. A bit like informal group counselling, spurring each other on.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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