Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Mother Of Two

Jon says that Xander doesn't completely look like Xander in this photograph. He says he looks different, much much more feminine; like a girl. It was taken at my cousins wedding last July, when he was 9 months old. 

I hadn't seen it before, but since Jon has said he looks like a girl here I can't help but look at it and try and imagine Anabelle. Is this a glimpse of his sister? A glimpse of what Belle might have looked like as she grew?

My babies who were so alike as newborns, I so often wonder how the similarities and differences might have panned out if I had them together. What would have been determined by nature and what by nurture. I often wonder how they would have enjoyed being brother and sister together. What would Anabelle have made of having a little brother and what Alexander would have made of his big sister if things were the way they should be. 

I wonder what Alexander will make of his big sister and how mixed up his little world is going to be while he tries to make sense of his parents grief and being part of a family incomplete. 

When days like tomorrow can never be normal. 

Mother's Day. 

Another smack in the face reminder that on this day for Mother's my motherhood isn't as it should be. A Mummy of two whilst being an earth Mummy of one. In many ways I'm feeling stronger about Mother's Day this year, I've faced it better, I've been less fazed about acknowledging it for our own mother's too. I've bought cards and planned gifts instead of hastly grabbing stuff off shelves in supermarkets without much thought.  Progress. The previous two years I've not wanted to wish them a happy Mother's Day when I was hurting so much for my own. Difficult. I've faced the build up better this year. Usually the build up is worse than the actual day, I hope this bodes well for coping with the mix of emotions tomorrow.

And its always going to be a mixture of emotions. 

The older Xander is getting the more 'occasion' days like Mother's Day worry me. One day he will notice the underlying sadness of these days. I don't want him to feel he is overshadowed by my grief, or living in the shadow of his sister, but I've no idea how to separate the two. I don't want him ever to feel he isn't enough for me, I want him to feel so secure in my love that is precious and separate from his sister, but how does that work on Mother's Day?  When I'm Mummy to them both and that is what Mother's Day is supposed to be about? 

Happy with him and sad without her are so intertwined.  This area of bringing him up is so delicate. 

Parts of tomorrow will be lovely; he will climb into bed with me in the morning and we'll snuggle, watch TV, and open cards, I'll have beautiful gifts. Jon has bought me lovely charms for my Pandora off them both for tomorrow; a pink stone heart for Belle and a blue stone star for Xander. Equally parts of tomorrow will be painful. She won't be climbing into bed to snuggle, watch TV or open cards. To spend time 'with' her tomorrow I'll be visiting her garden, making it beautiful and pink.

How do I do Mother's Day properly without her? How do I manage these tricky conflicting feelings? How can Xander ever understand sharing me with someone he cannot physically see? How do I bring deceased and living siblings up together? 



Maria said...

I can't answer your questions. I really wish I could.

I can only tell you that..... my boys were here when we lost Thea. they lost her too. They do everything on Mother's day to include there little sister too.

Maybe Xander will try to remember his little sister in Mother's day cards and presents when he's a bit older.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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