Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011 and Zachary November 2013.

Diary of an Angel Mother, Rainbow Mother.
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

And So The Unravelling Begins

The unravelling has started. 

Even earlier than in Alexander's pregnancy, which makes absolutely no sense to me. 

Yesterday, fear, panic and anxiety got the better of me. 

At not even quite 25 weeks. 

We were having a lovely day. To make up for an abrupt cancellation of Legoland due to the sickness bug hitting the household midweek, we decided to do another of the Treasure Trail maps at the weekend. Monmouth bound and picnic planned. 

We had a lovely day; apart from me becoming increasingly fearful as the day went on. 

From the moment I woke up Saturday I was anxious. Obsessed with how much, or little Zachary was moving. He was quiet all day. I kept making us sit on benches throughout the trail so I could try and make him move. But Zac was having none of it. At least not in the way I wanted him to. I could feel him, the occasional little wiggles, but the big strong 'make your whole tummy jump' boots were not forthcoming. I was unravelling. 

You see I don't trust myself, I don't trust my judgement. I don't trust myself to make the right call or decision at any given time. The wiggly movements don't always feel defined enough for me to count them as a 'real' movement. Because I get scared I've just imagined them. You can't imagine a boot that jolts your entire stomach. They are the ones I need to keep me together, the ones I need to know he has really moved. 

Why do babies move so differently every day? Today I've been booted plenty. Is it me? Do I just stop being able to feel when the anxiety starts sky-rocketing?  

By the time we got home I was becoming frantic. Panic completely getting the better of me. Knowing I was being unnecessarily hysterical but reaching the point of not being able to do anything at all about it. Past the point of reigning myself in and past the point of all rational thought. Convinced myself he was dying, but knowing I was probably being ridiculous all at the same time. 

So last night, simply to calm me down and get me reassurance before the awful night hours (because night time is my worst hours for fear.. Midweek I was up for an hour between 3-4am obsessing about movements again), for the first time this pregnancy, at 24+6 weeks pregnant I phoned the delivery ward and asked them to calm me down. Which they did, told me to come in so we could listen to him to give me the reassurance I needed to know everything was ok.  They were wonderful. A midwife I've never met before but she was fab and knew exactly how to handle me. I'm so thankful they are so patient with me, telling me if I need to make this call every day to get me to the end, they will listen to him every day for me, just like they did was Alexander. 

I haven't even reached the 3rd trimester without this need for emergency reassurance starting. This doesn't bode well for the 13-14 weeks to come. There is still such a long way to go and I need to keep it together so much better. Stay safe little baby. 




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Caz
I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and little rainbow Xander with another little rainbow, baby Zac, on the way. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem @tonofunstweets
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