Thursday, 20 March 2014
22:05 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
A few weeks ago, I discovered the book 'Love You Forever' - I read this article, discovering it was written as a song to Robert Munsch's two babies born asleep. A testament to the enduring love of a parent, even when there is no baby to keep.
So what did I do? I bought the book.
A mother watching her son grow, from a baby to a toddler, to a child, to a teenager, to a grown man with a baby of his own. The same continuous song throughout his life; I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
A song that could also be sung to all my babies throughout my life. My Anabelle, who will for always be a baby. Then my boys, who won't stay like babies, they will grow, they are growing but will always our very precious rainbow sons.
I worry you know, that I'll be unable to let my boys go.
That the more they grow the more independent they want to be, I worry constantly about what might happen to them when I can't protect them anymore. My heart is in my mouth watching Alexander at the park just now; he is desperate to climb, he is getting higher and higher and more daring and I'm scared to watch him fall. Because of course, the fearful irrational part of my mind doesn't see a simple fall with cuts and bruises and scrapes. I see head cut open, unconscious, dead.
I'm fearful of the day they'll want to play out the front on their own, or play around the block, or go to the park across the road. I'm so fearful to let them out of my sight incase they are stolen from me. I'm bad enough now at rainbow babies or soft play - where he can't escape from, and out of sight means 'playing in a house' or 'the other side of the slide', not really out of my sight at all.
I'm fearful of the grown up stuff too; programmes such as 18-30s holidays get me in a right tizz; worrying it will be one of my babies drinking until they need their stomachs pumped, drunk and falling off balconies to their death, drunk and going into the sea and drowning, I'm fearful of them learning to drive - knowing full well how their father behaved as a teenage/young twenties driver, and how some of my friends did when we were that age too. I'm fearful of their career choices, praying they won't want to go to the forces. I'm so fearful that another of my babies will be taken away from me and all the terrible ways it could happen throughout their lives.
I try hard not to be that Mummy, outwardly at least, but sometimes I wish I could wrap them in cotton wool forever. Keep them with me forever where I can keep them safe. But they will grow, they will leave. I will have to trust them to not do anything to endanger their lives. I worry I'll be seen as a that horrendous over-bearing type of mother-in-law, the one who loves them too much, still struggling to let them go and give them to the families they will make for themselves. I'll try not to be, but I can't promise my anxieties will ever change.
Maybe I would have always been this afraid. But some how I don't think so. Their sister died and it changed everything. Something so very precious was taken from me and it colours everything. My grief stricken heart is so very over-protective of my boys. Or maybe it is over-protective of itself. Or maybe it is over-protective of both boys and heart, because my boys are the glue holding all those broken bits of heart together. I can't apologise for that.
So the book. An ode to the babies he couldn't keep.
And now an ode to Anabelle my little 4lb 5oz baby girl forever and Alexander, and Zachary. My boys who will become big strapping men to the world, but still my little babies forever to me. Stay safe my precious boys.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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