Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Memory

A memory. Today it asks for a memory.

The most random memories has been on my mind for lots of the afternoon.

Like the time we went the Harvester and I was big and pregnant with Anabelle. That day I learned something about her; she did not like Kickin' Garlic Sauce! I ordered a chicken breast with chips and the sauce, my usual,  and after about ten mouthfuls she became very active. She was kicking and squirming and making me feel so uncomfortable! Dinner was cut quite short that Harvester trip out. I still order Kickin' Garlic Sauce and every time it makes me think of her, and this memory. 

Like the time we found out she was a girl. So ecstatically excited we were going to have a girl that we opened a bottle of pink champagne that evening and celebrated her and who she was going to be with our family. I even snuck a few sips of pink bubbles. 

Like the time I washed baby clothes for the very first time ever. After threatening premature labour at 31 weeks and being discharged from hospital I thought I should get a hospital bag ready. How ridiculously excited I was about all the tiny white and pink clothes on the airer and how proud I was to have them drying outside. 

She died before those clothes came off those airers. 

Our home was so busy getting ready for her, it was already so full of her and she never came home. 


Like this photo. The last photo of her alive. Here I am 32+2 weeks pregnant. Belle died at 32+4. 

We were so excited to be expecting our first baby. I didn't want to miss a moment. So I booked Sarah Stone and her Pregnancy Milestones and Newborn package. From my 12 weeks scan she visited every few weeks, taking photographs of my growing Belle-Bump. 

This day she hadn't turned up for our appointment. I phoned her and she had forgotten.  Of course she was hugely apologetic, it was fine, I was all set just to rearrange the date. But then in our chat I told her all about what had happened in the previous week, threatening premature labour and instead of setting a new date Sarah was like 'Oh my goodness, I'm coming over now to get these photographs of you incase this baby is coming early.' 

Oh how glad am I that she did. These are the last photographs of me pregnant with Belle. Look how happy we are, so fresh-faced we are. How unaware we were. How our world came crashing down around us just 48 hours after this set of photographs were taken.  Jon wasn't even supposed to be in this set of photographs. At 32 weeks it was just supposed to be another Mummy shoot; Jon was supposed to be part of the final shoot at 36 weeks. But after her threatened early escape we and Sarah decided that he should be in this shoot. Just incase. 

We thought just incase she came to soon. We never thought just incase she died too soon. 

36 weeks never came. And these photos mean the world to me. 

Memory. Capture Your Grief. Day 7. 




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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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