Sunday, 3 April 2016
20:00 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
A week ago they told us baby looked like it was a girl. You can imagine that there was a day or two of denial, disbelief that we would actually get that chance to have another girl; just wanting to wait until it had been definitely confirmed by a consistent answer a week later at my next scan.
And then inevitable excitement kicked in, allowing myself to build my hopes up, imagine all the things that have been missing from my life for nearly six years, girly things. Knowing what we would name her. Thinking about what I would do to the nursery. Tentatively dipping my toe into a bit of online window shopping and allowing myself to look at the girls clothes that I haven't been able to do for all these years.
Then we didn't get that consistent answer.
This week they told us baby looks like it is a boy.
It has been a very turbulent few days for me.
Mostly it has felt like an extremely cruel joke has been played at my very fragile expense.
The over-riding emotion being anger. So angry.
Angry that Belle was taken from us. Absolutely grief-stricken again for her, the girl, the daughter I had already had once upon a time and robbed from me. Deep and raw reopened wounds. Nearly six years already that wasn't supposed to be like this. Hurting beyond hurting. Once again thrown back to 2010. The year that ruined me and broke me in so many immeasurable ways.
Then so guilty, because believe me, more than anyone I know this gender malarky isn't really what is important.
And feeling so foolish and stupid for entertaining the thought of a girl. I've never really believed we would get another one, I never thought it would work out like that for us and I should have known better than to get so sucked in to a hope and a wish again so quickly.
I did know better before that scan nearly two weeks ago. I was totally ready and prepared for the answer to be another boy, despite everything else that meant. I could've managed the emotion around that, because before we tried to conceive this baby I of course knew neither gender was a guarantee and who it would be is who it would be.
Then they said girl.
Then they didn't.
And what I couldn't manage this week was the swing from one to another. I was totally unprepared for the answer to change after a week of making space in my head, anxiety increasing about a girl pregnancy and then building another imaginary life for a girl.
So it has taken me a few days to adjust again. To settle again. To let all that hurt, emotion and anger out; wishing no-one had ever dangled the carrot of pink in-front of me, wishing the only answer I had ever heard was a boy.
Because hearing only boy would've been ok. Wonderful. All the things I said in my previous post.
To hear girl first, and then not, was cruel. I hadn't prepared for that.
So right now we're still waiting on another scan for some sort of consistent answer.
My gut tells me it will be a boy, of course, after all that is harder to mis-identify on a scan. But who knows, it was clearly hiding the week before and after this week of old wounds being well and truly being reopened I need another scan to tell me again to be sure.
At least this week my husband finally gave some boy names some serious consideration and therefore either way now, this baby will have a name ready when we once and for all know who it is. A possible name has helped my head and heart calm down tremendously and today I can totally imagine my little trio of three wonderful boys, if that is indeed who it is.
Watch this space.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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