Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

This Second Trimester

Today I am 27+2 weeks pregnant with our little Lucas Elias Morgan.

Yes, our little rainbow the third and last is indeed another little boy and I'm feeling increasingly excited about the prospect of our little trio of little boys. Excited and already exhausted at the thought of it! What a marvellous team they're going to make; the three Morgan musketeers as it were.  Xander, Zac and Luc. 

Lucas has taken us the longest to name out of all of the children. It turns out naming a third boy is pretty tricky and in the end we gave Alexander the choice between two names to decide what he would like to name his new brother, because we couldn't decide! Lucas or Elias with Henry originally planned to be his middle name. 

But Xander has other ideas. He was pretty adamant instantly that Elias was not in the running for a first name; as whichever way we asked him Lucas, and Luc for short was his answer. But then, he said, 'but Elias as well Mummy' - and that is where Henry was dropped and Elias was promoted to middle name. We think it has a lovely ring to it and we can't wait for Little Luc to join us on the outside now as soon as he is big and ready enough. 

After that week of feeling pushed over the edge after the gender mix up and not really knowing if we were coming or going with girl vs. boy, at the moment I'm feeling settled and really genuinely happy, especially since giving our son his identity. Our little very much loved Luc.  And thankfully so far, I've not been met with any ridiculous comments regarding our 'single' gender children family.  I'm looking forward to pulling little outfits out again that Alexander and Zachary wore when they were tiny and buying a few little summer outfits for Luc of his very own; after all the older boys were late autumn/winter babies and if we're lucky Lucas will arrive in the midst of a warm summer.

I'm not sure my last post about it all was very clear. Whilst I can't pretend there wasn't any element of 'gender preference' when we embarked on our last pregnancy, my reaction surrounding that week of mix  up was so much more to do with Anabelle and grief and loss than it was to do with who this little baby was.  And for a few days it was violent and ugly, again. We had a girl once upon time, and part of me had started to process, believe, that we were going to get that again. For a few days, when the 'girl' became a boy, all my grief for Belle was ripped to the forefront again, because the other 'girl' had never really existed in the first place, only Anabelle.

Believe me there have been many times I've questioned why we were putting ourselves through this again.  Jon certainly has. But after Zachary I didn't feel 'done'. I wanted another baby, boy or girl. I always wanted three children; and we had three children of course, but we didn't all at the same time. 

I wanted my three earth babies. I wanted three earth babies and we're still not there yet. But now I really do feel done. I don't want anymore babies and Little Luc, regardless of outcome, will be our last. Lucas is almost within touching distance now; but we're also hitting that time, in my pregnancies where everything gets more and more scary, where I'm likely to start unravelling, where anxiety that he might die is going to get the better of me time and time again. The longest of home stretches. 

Coupled with that his due-date is just days different to Anabelle's, so all those June milestones, the week she threatened prem labour, the week she died, the day she was born etc. They're all coming when I'll almost be exactly that amount of pregnant this time with Lucas. 

June is going to be, um, interesting. 

The pregnancy on the whole has been interesting though I guess! 

This is the last week of my second trimester. 

During the last 14 weeks I've had a surprise hospital stay in London because of pneumonia. Pneumonia took six weeks to really feel totally recovered from and a couple of courses of antibiotics to really see off the infection. We discovered at the end of my pregnancy with Zachary we had the beginnings of a small tear which has increased my tear and rupture risk for this pregnancy. The care plan changed for a slightly earlier birth for Lucas again.  

Nausea has been more or less continually ongoing - vomiting also - although I'm only sick maybe twice or thrice a week now, compared to daily, and nausea and sometimes resulting sickness is often a result of my stomach being too empty.  It is however the latest into a pregnancy I've continued being this sick. Thankfully, so far, heartburn has been mild and infrequent compared to the daily yuckiness  of it all from 13 weeks with Zac. 

Fatigue and tiredness has felt worse in this pregnancy that ever before; I can't decide whether it is because I'm in my 30s and 'older'  this time around (haha), my bout of being really poorly or being a busy Mother of two little boys already. It is probably a mixture of it all but have definitely been feeling the strain, especially on the days I've been working too. I'm a hopeless sack of sofa potatoes in the evenings! 

I think the biggest notable change in this pregnancy is the uncontrollable mood swings I've been experiencing the last couple of weeks. I have these moments of feeling completely overwhelmed by something and appear to be dealing with it in rage instead of a like a rational person!  I think Jon is feeling particularly long-suffering at the moment with it all. 

Otherwise Braxton Hicks have already started these last few weeks as well and boobs already leaking colostrum. Maybe everything starts earlier and earlier with each pregnancy?! 

Today I'm home from work following the sudden onset of pretty severe pelvic pain yesterday. It was shocking - one minute I felt totally fine and the next I could barely move my legs or walk for pain. It felt like it literally came out of nowhere. It was bad enough to reduce me to tears three times during the afternoon, including calling Jon home from work early. By the time the lower part of my bump started to feel uncomfortable in the later part of the afternoon too - yesterday evening we went in for a check up to be on the safe side considering the rupture risks too. (That we're becoming increasingly aware and anxious of as we hit third trimester now.) 

It was a relief that there doesn't appear to be any scar or tear issues but the Dr last night said it looks like I've been unlucky enough to get pelvic girdle pain this time around after never having it before. (Or maybe I've been incredibly lucky to escape pain like this until pregnancy number four?!) Of course I've had achy and uncomfortable pelvis, hips and legs in the evenings after busy days on all of them, but nothing like this. So today I'm resting, still finding it painful to move and hoping the flair up settles down. It will be a long 8-9 remaining weeks if it doesn't go away! 

But despite the aches, pains and worries I'm enjoying my growing bump. It is all out front and Jon tells me you still cannot tell I am pregnant from the back. Lucas is growing very well and is currently tracking around the 75th centile for fetal growth, estimated to be 2lb 5oz already at my scan last week. Which is good for him with an early birth planned. Unbelievably, despite what feels like my ample size, bump is measuring the 27 weeks it 'should' be. 

I really need to take more photographs before it is all over for the very last time. Even though I feel done and can't imagine putting us through this again I also can't believe this is the last time I'll carry and grow a baby, the last time I'll have a bump.  It seems to be going by so much more quickly so far this time, although I fully expect that to slow down during these critical last few months and weeks. 

Here we go then. 
Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Boy Big @ Four and a Half


Another six months on from his last update. This year of being four is absolutely flying - probably not helped by the fact that mere days after turning four Alexander was telling us he was nearly five now... and has continued to do so since! He is definitely fairly obsessed with ages now and seems in such a rush to grow up and be bigger, to be older; "I will be five next Mummy, then six, then seven, then eight, then nine, then ten, and that is very big Mummy..." and so on. 

But right now he is four and a half and full of attitude and confidence. He is totally sure of himself now and becoming increasingly assertive in all situations. Sometimes too much so; driving us to distraction with his stream of demands, challenging our requests of him alongside all of his "whhhhyyyys" and whats!   I can see so much of myself in him now - we're not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but he is definitely his mother's mini-me when it comes to attitude!  

Four years olds are definitely hard work, but we wouldn't have it any other way! 

My beautiful four and a half year old Big. You are around 104cm tall and 39 pounds heavy. You are cheeky and determined and absolutely never stop talking! You are so obsessed with being big and getting bigger - constantly asking about your next birthday and telling us how old you will be, and then how old you will be on the birthday after even that!  I think you are quite big enough for now! 

This last few months we've realised more than ever how sensitive you can be to change or big events. On New Years Day your school burnt down; four months on it still affects you, you still mention the 'naughty men' that burnt your school down, you still talk about the fire, you still worry about other places being burnt down, you still say you miss your old school (and by that you mean classroom - you are still in the same school, with the same teacher, just in a demountable now), you mention often about the naughty men getting out of prison. We've seen it all in your play too. You've needed lots of gentle reassurance that nothing else will burn down. I hope the boys and men who did it one day realise the impact it had on so many small children.   On the lesser end of the scale we've recently changed the car, and two months on you're still telling us you miss your green car! I think it is fair to say you kind of like it when things are staying the same. 

But by the time you are five your world will have gone through enormous change once again. You will be an even bigger brother, the biggest of all the brothers with your new baby brother due to join us before you finish your nursery year.  I know at the moment you are beginning to feel the flutters of worry about having a new baby; wondering how you'll fit in with an extra brother, but we absolutely promise you that you will fit in just as always, just as before.  We already know you are really good at being a big brother and you will be fabulous; after all, you decided what name he should have! We can't wait to see you looking after the littlest of the Morgan boys too. 

At four and a half your favourite things are: Transformers Rescue Bots,  Lego and the iPad. 

Daddy loves that you love Transformers. They were his favourite when he was a little boy too! I think he secretly loves playing with the little robot transforming toys as much as you do! 

We love your imagination and creativity with your Lego Duplo now - you build the most fabulous creations - enormous and detailed houses, towers, farms and rockets amongst other things. You absolutely love visiting the Lego shop and ask to go as soon as you realise we're in Cardiff! When we're there you instantly go to find the miniature Lego people figures and 'little Lego' play boxes. But the trouble I have getting you, Daddy and Zachy out of the shop (!!) - you all have a shared love of Lego! I think you're almost ready for your own first set of 'little Lego' - maybe for your next birthday. 

You really do love technology aka. the iPad and we've found ourselves putting restrictions on screen time. Now mostly limited to weekend afternoons because of a) the more you have the iPad the more you seem to want it, b) the strops when we say iPad time is finished and c) the arguments it already causes between you and your brother when you are only 4 and 2! 

Oh and you also went through a youtube phase watching ridiculous Playdough or Kinder Egg toy videos - I totally do not get the fascination at all, but from what I can gather lots of children your age are fascinated with them! 

It has been wonderful recently to see you come on leaps and bounds at school. Your sudden interest in spelling your name and your family names - being able to write them down all by yourself. Becoming so interested in what sounds words begin with - randomly picking words off street signs and telling us what sound the word starts with. Beginning to blend your letter sounds to read your first sets of words.  You are becoming more and more interested in colouring and drawing - beginning to take your time over your mark-making and your drawings becoming more and more recognisable - just this week you've drawn your best creation yet - a beautiful dinosaur that Mummy is going to put on our art wall in the kitchen! 

You are totally starting to click recognising your numbers to 100, telling me what numbers you can see on buses when we're in the car or how much petrol I have left from the numbers on the dash. This week you have been learning about symmetry and pictograms in school and have loved telling me all about it on the way home in the car. 

You still love Welsh and often slip Welsh vocabulary into general conversation, for example asking us how we're feeling, or counting in Welsh, or referring to the colour of something in Welsh, and even starting to learn what your body parts are called in Welsh. 

You are blowing us away and seem more than ready for the challenges of full time school and starting Reception in September.  We love that you love school and love learning! 

You are still learning to swim - you've even graduated to the Wave 1 swimming class now, which means no Mummy in the pool with you. The class time changed for Aquatots meaning we couldn't get there in time, but your swimming teacher thought you were ready to have a go at Wave 1 class, even though you were still a whole year too young really and should've been five. You're doing brilliantly. It is what I call 'watch week' tomorrow - where parents can watch your lesson through the windows - and I can't wait to see what you can do since the last 'watch week' - I know your swimming teacher is really pleased with you at the moment because every week when we collect you she tells us how hard you are trying, especially re-finding the confidence to swim on your back again.  

We're in for a BIG time the next six months my boy; our family is growing and you're starting big all day school. Such enormous milestones for you and we couldn't be more proud of you, every day and always.   For now I will sign off, until you are five. 

We love you so much, our Rainbow Big. 









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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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