Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Snipped

This has been brewing for a week. Bubbling into a brain dump. My heart wrestling with my head. My husbands snip. 

Its done. Monday it was done. He's snipped. So we're done. 

Even though I already knew full well Lucas was my last. Even though I agreed Lucas would be the last. Even though him being the last was the right decision for this family for a whole multitude of reasons; mentally, medically, physically, emotionally, financially, coping capacity. 

Even though. Finality is not resting well just now. My heart isn't at peace with the end of our baby days, even though my head knows it is time and it is right. Even though I don't even really want any more babies anyway! These boys are my number.

But I can't help but wistfully look at my newest baby and will time to go slower and my baby days to last longer because I'm not really ready to let them all go; these infant years and my boys being all mine. Just mine. 

But we're done. A different chapter is looming and I'm not quite there.

It pains me to admit why my heart isn't at peace. 

A still longing for a girl.

Realising how utterly terrible it must sound when I still have so much. 

A longing for a girl that is entirely separate for my longing for Anabelle. Or maybe it isn't. Sometimes I just don't know. A longing for another girl we never had and never will have. 

What we got instead was magnificent, is magnificent. Three beautiful wonderful boys that came home. Lived. And fill our lives with so much life, love, colour, joy, healing. My boys so utterly adored beyond all measure, with so much to come, so much to look forward to, to enjoy, memories to make. A beautiful blessed life. 

But then there are those broken pieces of me that even they cannot fix.

The piece of me that is so fed up the sheer anxiety ripping through me every time I buy a present for a friends little girl. The piece of me that still after almost seven years cannot cope with girls clothes sections of stores. When what should be a simple decision like choosing an outfit or other item as a gift turns into this enormous heart palpitating ordeal.  The pieces of me that dread the endless bloody Princess parties that I could never throw for myself. The pieces of me that somewhat dread some close pregnancy and birth announcements because the 'fear' of a girl to deal with makes all my hairs stand on end and my stomach fall out. When conversations about family dynamics and so many fears of the future to come hurt and unsettle me because I'm now a mother of only boys and we lost our only girl. When you re-realise time after time after time all that was lost when our only daughter was robbed from us. Robbed. Realising I'd always imagined maybe another girl would heal some of this but it was never meant to be.

Unjust and unfair. Maybe it would've never have felt like this if there had never been a little girl penned in our lives.  But there was and there should be. 

Most of the time grief and life rumble along quite nicely together now, and the rainbows outshine the darkness. But that rawness lurks in the shadows. And some weeks, like this week, they threaten to jump out.  Because this week, snipped and really very finished now, has demanded that my crumpled thoughts have to try and let this go. And still I do not know how. 

A jumbled up mess of what was, what is and what could've been.


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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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