Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 31 December 2019

The End of a Decade

There have been tons of 2009 to 2019 transformation posts all over facebook this last few days. As people reflect the difference a decade has made to their lives.  This was me at the end of 2009. Still in the newly married glow and newly pregnant for the first time too. Thrilled that I was bloated enough to look suspiciously 'showing'. I was so ready for this next stage of life and so very very excited we were going to start the next decade by becoming a family.  Oh little did I know. 

The twenty tens and teens have been a decade of the best and worst times of my life. A decade of sharply growing up. A decade of facing mental health and grief head on. A decade of rainbows and magical moments. My boys!   2010 turned from one of blissful excited naivety into the bleakest year of my life; from my first 12 weeks scan in the January, to finding out we were having a girl, our Anabelle, in the March to losing her and burying her in the June.  Now its about to become 2020. I simply cannot fathom how that is now coming up for ten years ago when each June feels forever stuck in 2010.  That we have survived and indeed thrived for all of this time. Ten years. Ten years of grief and healing, ups and downs, brokenness and joy. 

2020.  This is the year we should have a 10 year old daughter.  A milestone we reach with trepidation. I already feel so very sad that we're facing another important milestone without her.  I can remember how grown up and important it felt on my own tenth birthday. The milestone of becoming 'double figures' - staring down the excited barrel of becoming a teenager a few years ahead.  We've already booked a quirky special weekend away for the weekend Belle will turn 10. I've spent her last few birthdays wishing we could escape, fighting an urge to run-away; so this year, for her tenth, of which I'm anticipating a really tough month getting through it, we have booked an escape. We're going to make it magical and mermaid themed.  It will start a tradition that all of our children will get a quirky weekend away to mark such a special milestone birthday.  

The twenty tens and teens have certainly been a decade of making our family. Anabelle, Alexander, Zachary and Lucas. I guess the twenty twenties will be about watching our family grow and reaching a ton of milestones between them. We will have three teenage boys, Jon and I will both turn forty (one of us sooner in rather than later, haha!) Then, by the end of this decade Alexander will become an adult! Say what now?!   I cannot quite imagine it.  This will be another decade of transition and action packed, that is for sure. 

2019 has been a good year. I've felt emotionally well for almost all of it; discounting May to June. We have enjoyed so many holidays and mini-breaks this year! A unseasonal February holiday in Looe where the sun shone and it was warm enough to splash in the sea, a fabulous family holiday to Disneyland where we marked our upcoming tenth wedding anniversary a few months later, an adult only few days in Croatia for a friends wedding, a medieval themed night at Warwick Castle for our anniversary and more recently a week spent in the New Forest for an October half term break.   We've been on tons of day trips and adventures along the way too; all of our Six Weeks of Summer, Peppa Pig World, Chessington World of Adventures, Heatherton World of Activities, Legoland Discovery Centre, London. Plenty more I'll have forgotten.  

Another year of living our best lives with our boys. Determined the next decade will be more of the same. Hoping that they have grown up by the end of this next decade knowing undoubtedly how incredibly precious they are to us, will always be to us, and how loved they are, beyond measure.

This years best nine is such a lovely mix of my family, still even Belle. Even after all these years she is so firmly in the mix and as central to us as her brothers are.  This year our best nine feature our special holiday to Disneyland Paris, Belle's 9th birthday, Lucas's throwback new baby photo compared to still sleeping in my arms to similarly, my entire family celebrating Grandma's 90th birthday, Wave of Light, my boys looking so handsomely smart at my cousins wedding, Xander's 8th birthday, our family photo where I included Belle's space and shadow and Lucas when he wanted to hug his sister and declared "My Belle sister likes me!" 


Once again I have kept a record of all the special moments this year; the big and little days. It has firmly become a tradition now to read back on all these moments through the year and something I definitely plan to keep up into the next one too. 

As well as all this I've compiled my top nine of the year for each boy too - so if you're on Instagram or Facebook have a little nose in stories for my 2019 highlights. 

Two Thousand and Nineteen; Nifty Nineteen.

January 

1st - an aimless drive that ended up with arriving in Weston-Super-Mare and scooting down the promenade. 

2nd - A Mummy and Daddy and big-boys day! (Lucas was in Nursery) We went to the cinema to watch The Grinch, had a Harvester dinner and visited the Lego shop. 

3rd - Going for a solo 5km walk. Peaceful fresh-air!

3rd - Girly night with Jo! Going to the cinema to watch Mary Poppins Returns, then Kaspas puddings and a bar for cocktails! 

4th - Catching up with Marie, Noa and Isaac with an afternoon of play at their house.

4th - Baby club girls night and a gorgeous home-made curry by Lex. 

5th - Couch to 5k, Week 1, Run 1 done. 

5th - Watching Moana and Luc continually shouting at the TV and Moana to "get back on the boat" when she falls off! 

6th - Zac telling Uncle Steve how to count. Uncle Steve said '10'. Zac said 'no not 10, 1'  So Uncle Steve says '1' and Zac pipes in with 'now 2'. Every time Uncle Steve counted wrong Zac came back with 'you did it wrong, its 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10' 

7th - Zac still insisting his swimming teachers name is 'Crisp' even though its Chris! 

8th - Luc saying "I excited Mummy" when we were parking the car in town. He was an absolute delight all morning; shopping, Costa, toy shop and then a Library Adventure. 

14th - Swimming Adventure with Luc. Super excited about going swimming today. Spending most of his time on the froggy slide and sporadically self initiating singing 'Baby Shark'. 

15th - Costa Coffee with Jo and Lucas holding the mannequins hands in Next. "I see girls Mummy" 

18th - My first and new three Popsy dresses that I won in the Christmas competition.  (I've gone from zero to    dresses plus a jumpsuit in the space of a Popsy year!) 

19th - Zac's new glasses - he totally suits them! 

21st - Luc's first trip to the cinema to see Hey Duggee along with Daddy, Auntie Reya and Jac. 

26th - Lex's hen weekend and a night away in the Celtic Manor. 

28th - Bus trip adventure to town with Luc.

31st  - Xander's first piano lesson with Mummy. 

February 

1st - Snow Day! 

2nd - Xander's big boy haircut with gel.

4th - Trampolining Adventure with Sorreya and Jac.

5th - Zac's nomination assembly - we celebrated him trying new foods and getting used to wearing glasses. 

6th - Xander being kind. Mum and Jo both texting me to tell me how kind he is before dinner time. He had made Harri a friendship bracelet, and he gave it to Harri and then took his own off and gave that to  Ethan so he wasn't left out - because 'I can make myself another one when I get home'. 

10th - Xander being very busy Warhammer painting with Daddy.

11th - Garden Centre Adventure day with Luc.

12th - "How To Train Your Dragon" after school mega treat cinema trip with Xander and Zachy. 

13th - Making Xander's homework recipe and sharing popping candy together. Lots of giggles. 

15th - after school trip to the park. 

17th - Zac choosing his bow tie outfit for the day. 

18th - Train trip Adventure day to Cardiff with Mum and Luc. A lovely day and finally finding a sequin tshirt to buy for Zachy! 

18th - Zac being confident and chatty at Nana and Bampi's church.  Standing out the front to help with the actions - not doing many actions but just standing out the front is huge for him. 

23rd - Feeling better after tonsillitis and sunny days.

24th - Another sunny day!

25th - Holiday to Looe along with Sorreya, Keith, Oscar and Jac. 

26th - Morning doing the Zog Trail in Cardinham Wood and then afternoon playing on the beach in Looe in unseasonal hot temperatures. 

27th - Polperro morning - scooting in the village square. Another afternoon on the beach in Loee and even being brave enough to splash toes in the very cold sea!  But a very warm beach and catching the sun on our faces! 

28th - An evening in the clubhouse. Xander's and his millions of machine tickets - excitement exploding all over his face! 

March 

1st - a day with our cousins before coming home. 

6th - Tiny Rebel evening for Jon's birthday. 

7th - Room On The Broom themed World Book Day dress up in my class on my birthday.

8th  - Traditional Welsh Dress Up photo. 

9th - Bike ride and the park with Roo, Joel and Isla followed by a whole cousin sleepover! 

11th - A day at the farm with Luc, Roo, Joel and Isla. 

17th - Xander calling oars for a boat "paddling sticks" 

17th - Mummy and Zac day out to Cardiff: Train, Lego Shop (buying Cinderella Carriage Lego), Disney Shop (buying a Rapunzal Doll), World Book Day voucher (buying Supertato Valley of Doom), carousel, red jeggings and vests for me, lunch, first grown up Nike trainers for him, train, bus and a Harvester tea! 

21st - Luc falling asleep cupping my face. 

23rd - Xander and Mummy day out to Cardiff: Park and Ride bus, carousel, World Book Day voucher (buying George's Marvellous Medicine), Lego Shop (buying a Car creator set, Ninjargo set and a minifig surprise bag), cardigan, socks and shoes bought for me and then back on the bus, a Harvester dinner (because Xander wanted to go the 'salad place') and then a trip over to Smyths toy shops to spend the rest of his money! 

25th - another boy, another day, another Cardiff adventure! Haha! This time Luc's turn. Bus ride, World Book Day voucher spends (There's a Dragon in Your Book), Lego shop and the Carousel. 

28th - lovely love notes cards from my middle boy. "I will always hug Mummy, she is beautiful, I will always love you!'  (I wil ulways hug Mumy, she is byootfl,  I wil ulways leve you). 

31st - Beautiful Mother's Day things. Tons of chocolate, a new Popsy dress (Clemmie Coral), and a cardi, plus more importantly all the gorgeous own made cards and gifts from the boys. 

April 

1st - Luc and I went to visit Belle.  "My hug Belle?" Luc asked. Yes I said. He hugs the headstone and then says "My Belle sister loves me!" 

2nd - Xander nomination assembly. We celebrated his kind nature and giving the example of when he made friendship bracelets for him and Harri but took his own off and gave it to Ethan, so Harri's little brother didn't feel left out. 

5th - Tiny Rebel evening out. 

8th - Peppa Pig at the Cinema with Luc, Sorreya and Jac. 

11th - The big class move! 

13th - We're on the way to Disneyland! Lush evening in France in a lovely AirBnB in a tranquil area. Walking around near the Somme. Not the bit where we got attacked by Geese though haha! 

14th - Arriving at Disneyland! The boys telling me off they weren't 8 and 6 like we had originally told them they would be the next time we went to Disneyland! Seeing the castle, lush family picture at the castle, the parade, big boys on Big Thunder Mountain, Luc meeting Donald Duck. 

15th - A day in Studios park, watching Mickey and the Magician show, Zac beaming and saying "my sister" when he saw Princess Belle in the show. Lightening McQueen's amazing car stunt show, Luc and the Hulk poses, being a super big boy and brave on the toy soilders parachute ride, slinky dog ride and Xander on the RC ride. 

16th - Zac meeting Rapunzal and his beaming little face. Fantastyland, meeting Mickey, lots of rides, Small World, Train, Boats, Madhatter Teacups, Pirates of the Caribbean ride, caves, treehouse, and the Wild West Show which all boys loved - including Jon who got ot join in the show with some shooting. 

17th - another day in Studios, tram tour, Superheroes show, some spending money and buying superheroes! Then having a nap before staying out for illuminations and fireworks - wow - and we got THE picture! (Children and Castle in the dark)

18th - Meeting Minnie, meeting Donald again, Mickey's 4D Orchestra cinema show, surprise Princess lunch for the boys - meeting Snow White, Rapunzal, Merida and Cinderella. Zac's absolute joy in it all. Buzz Lightyear ride and spending all their money. Our last day before going back to the lovely AirBnB. 

21st - Marion at church telling me how she was looking at the boys in churhc and thinking how gorgeous each of them are andthat they're an absolute credif to me, every one of them. 

21st - Easter egg hunt in Mum and Dad's garden.

22nd - Easter Monday bank holiday with a BBQ. Jo, Harri and Ethan coming over to join in. Lush afternoon.

24th - 13 years together. 

24th - Baby club at Jellytotz soft play and a play over Sorreya's house day. 

25th - An afternoon at the farm with Evie and Lucy. Lots and lots of puddle jumping, donkey grooming and a walk in the woods.

26th - A day at Caerphilly Castle with Jo, Harri and Ethan. A lovely trail around the castle and warrior day. Boys loved trying sword fighting and archery. Loved it! 

29th - Bristol Aquarium adventure day with Luc. 

30th - Luc walking his baby with his dolly pram. River walk and morning in Croesy Park.

30th - Harvester tea with the boys. (While Daddy is away for a week, we will play treat) 

May 

3rd - We survived solo week! 

4th - some more big boy days all booked! 

5th - Mountain View Ranch for Jac's birthday. 

7th - Swimming and Ikea day out with Luc. Luc playing peekaboo in the lift with the teddy on the wall. 

10th - Xander winning first prize for Easter book bingo at school. 

10th - Luc having a Daddy day out adventure! Bus to Cardiff, carousel, Cardiff Castle, Lego Shop. 

10th - Lex's hen night out to Cardiff.

11th - New (to us) sofa day!

13th - Coffee with Sorreya, Julie and Sue. 

13th - Tredegar house / Gruffalo woods with Luc. "My Saddo" day when he spotted his shadow on the floor! 

14th - Barry Island day with Luc.

18th - Mummy and Zachy day out to Legoland Discovery Centre in Birmingham, seeing Sarah. 

19th - Dinosaur show with Jo, Harri and Ethan. 

20th - Boys being super cute and super pleased to see each other after school. All 3 holding hands. 

21st - Zac's nomination assembly. Celebrating his hard work in swimming without a float or belt. Then being brave having an x-ray after stepping on a nail, and being lovely company on our Mummy and Zachy day. 

27th - Bryn Bach Park with family.

28th - the start of our adult mini-break! 

29th - Croatia - exploring Cavtat. 

30th - Croatia - Lex's beautiful wedding. 

31st - Croatia - exploring Dubrovnik (aka King's Landing Game of Thrones). 

June 

3rd - Luc being a super star on his first couple of hours in pants. Tiny accidents, stopping himself and getting to the potty to finish. 

4th - Zac being chuffed his sunflower is now taller than him.

7th - lush photo of the boys together on Rainbow Baby Day. 

10th - Zac on sports day. Joining in and enjoying himself mostly, even winning his running race. 

12th - Luc dry at Nursery all day.

14th - Luc doing poos on the potty and no accidents again all day. 

16th - Father's Day tree tops golf.

18th - Xander's nomination assembly. Celebrating all his effort and improvements in swimming. 

22nd - Sunny Saturday - watching the boys play in the garden. 

25th - Xander - passing swimming Wave 5 after only 1 block! Amazing! 

28th - Xander - achieving his 25 meter swimming badge. 

30th - Moors Valley Country Park with Sorreya and Jac and a little night away. 

July 

1st - Luc's Peppa Pig World mega adventure with Sorreya and Jac too. 

3rd - Luc's settling in session at school nursery. He was all about the diggers and crane toys. 

6th - Xander and Mummy trip to London; Science museum, Princess Diana playground, Disney Shop, Hamleys, Lego shop.

8th - Two glowing end of Year 2 and Reception reports! 
Xander "Bright, sensitive, confident and well-meaning... Hard-working, perseveres and has produced work he should be proud of... showing a passion and real interest for science." 
Zac "Very pleasant and happy boy... has coped with change and grown in confidence throughout the year... caring and considerate to others... always tried his best... an inquisitive boy who enjoys a challenge!"  I'm so proud of you both my boys! 

15th - Browns Bears Cafe with Luc and a brownie. 

16th - The Wild Place adventure with Luc. 

19th - Luc's 3rd Birthday

20th - Luc's Mountain View Ranch birthday party.

21st - Toy Story 4 at the Cinema. 

22nd - Chessington World of Adventures. Luc loving the Gruffalo Ride and Gruffalo show. The mini sea life centre. 

23rd - Zac passing Wave 1 swimming! Absolutely prouder than proud of him for trying so hard. 4 weeks into current bloc, and still 6 weeks until badge week but his teacher said he deserved it early. 

24th - Ice skating with Jo, Harri and Ethan. both boys having a little go without holding on. 

27th - Christmas in July BBQ in the back graden with Jo, Harri and Ethan

27th - Zac in the opticians answering the question 'How many brothers and sisters do you have?' with 1 sister and 2 brothers. 

28th - Zac insisting he NEEDS to send a letter to Father Christmas today! 

28th - Luc saying "Can we play go away and find me" (aka Hide and Seek) 

29th - Cardiff Castle day with boys.

31st - Caldicot Castle and bumping into Kirsty. The boys enjoyed playing with her youngest and running around the castle with him! 

August

1st - Warwick Castle; princess story, prince's photo, knight school, medieval glamping, archery, more knights, falconry experiences. Knights congratulating us on 10 years of marriage to the crowd before final evening battle commenced. Zac being particularly loving towards Luc. 

3rd - Grown up anniversary celebrations in London. Afternoon tea at the Swan (Globe) followed by the theatre to watch "The Book of Mormon". Wandering around Leicester Sq and Covent Garden before evening meal back at the hotel.  

4th - More London time. Transport Museum and Oxford Street.

5th - Penarth Pier and Caerphilly Castle with my boys.

7th - Cardiff Bay with the boys. Luc getting brave at the skate park and going down slopes by himself. 

8th - Greenmeadow Farm day. 

9th - Zac cuddling Luc on the sofa while watching a film. 

10th - Luc and Xander Chinese Dragon dancing. 

11th - Luc on seeing my graduation photo from 2006... "Mummy looks like a wizard" haha! 

12th - Circus Day at Parc Play - bumping into Marie and the boys. 

13th - Baby club day at the boating lake. Luc doing his best scooting ever - think he has cracked it now. 

14th - The silly clown face creations. 

15th - Enormous bubble mix play. 

15th - Plymouth fireworks and a cousin sleepover.

17th - Luc singing and dancing to the Greatest Showman film. 

18th - Birmingham sealife and seeing an enormous green turtle in the 360 tunnel. 

19th  - a little late evening trip to the boating lake. playing on the park at 8.00pm! 

20th  - Grandma's 90th birthday. 

21st - Barry Island with Jo, Harri and Ethan. 

24th - paddling pool party with cousins. 

25th - the pub garden evening. A really enjoyable few hours letting the kids run riot and enjoy the band. 

26th - Grandma's 90th birthday party and managing to achieve a whole family photo! 

28th - Pontypool and Blaenavon steam railway - boys particularly impressed with "Harry Potter" carriages. 

29th - Mummy and boys day to Cardiff on the train. Xander and Luc giving each other cuddles. 

30th - we climbed up the Mountain Air. 

31st - Perrygrove Railway day out. 

September 

2nd - Xander and Zac back to school day. Xander starting the Juniors and wanting to go straight up onto the yard and Zac into year 1 without any wobbles. 

2nd - Mummy, Daddy and Luc day out to Cardiff day! 

4th - Luc started nursery! Didn't even look back and straight into school. 

6th - Girls night out to Millar and Carter for Lex's birthday. 

12th - Xander's first go at Karate and loving it. 

16th - Zac and Luc spotting each other through the Year 1 fence after I had picked Luc up from nursery - giving each other cuddles through the fence. 

17th - I had a hair cut! 

18th - Zac with his ideas about cool teenagers in their black hoodies and backwards caps!

21st - Sunny day in Roath Park. 

24th - Mummy and Luc trip to the Congress Theatre to watch Dear Zoo.

28th - Sarah and Thomas's wedding. Managing to play the piano without no catastrophes! The boys being super cute in their bow ties and smart shirts. 

30th - 6 runs complete in September. 

October 

1st  - Xander's Family Tuesday and being able to go because its on my day off! 

2nd - Luc wanting to xbox game with his Daddy. 

6th - Girls day out bowling and Zizzi's. 

7th - Happy Hands with Luc.

10th - Xander got his karate clothes today and now totally looks the part. 

12th - Xander's slime party with Sarah Creation Station Cwmbran. 

14th - Xander is 8 today! Loving his science kit after school party. 

17th -  Rebekah and Luc doing Cosmic Yoga Moves. 

19th - Xander's birthday day trip to Heatherton World of Activities. Him being able to go on the enormously tall zip wire because he was 8 now and 8 was the minimum age! 

20th - Nana knits wear kind of Sunday. 

21st - Lush first parents evening for Lucas. 

22nd - Family Tuesday in school with Lucas. Making lovely leaf pictures. 

24th - Xander - an absolutely gushing parents evening - his teachers were glowing before we even sat down!

24th - Zac - a lovely lovely parents evening. His teacher thinks he is awesome and is very impressed with him. 

26th - Zac coping well with a change of plan with replacement glasses. (After an absolute meltdown two weeks before when we tried to sort it out)

27th - Zac telling Luc he loves him!

28th - Our beautiful holiday caravan in the New Forest. 

29th - Mario Kart in the arcades at Bournemouth Seafront. 

30th - A proper relaxing day!

31st - Moors Valley Country Park with Hannah, Jack, Katie and George. 

November 

2nd - Jon and Xander day out to the Avengers Station Cardiff. 

6th - Zac trying to read Topsy and Tim book from when we were little and managing to read the first two pages all by himself. 

7th - Zac and Daddy family Thursday time at school. 

8th - Luc and his funny poses in Nana's Sunday best hat!

9th - Grandma, Mum and Bex afternoon tea at the Parkway. 

10th - An afternoon in the Celtic Manor Lounge with Baby Club girls. Love all our 5 year grand savings plans for adventures. 

13th - Cwmbran Christmas lights switch on. A lovely evening Costa's with the boys. 

20th - the marvellous A+E again after Xander needing their services again. Xander had a nasty fall at school, nasty gash open on knee full of gravel. 

23rd - the big family birthday sleepover for Zac. A funny game of Cards Against Humanity. 

26th - Zac is 6! Loving his after school Cheeky Monkey's party.

30th - London and watching Frozen 2 in Leicester Square! Zac's joy at buying and wearing Elsa's dress. 

December 

1st - London and Shrek's Adventure 

2nd - Zac lost his first tooth! 

3rd - Zac's concert - and him doing so very well to get through it albeit the end. Super proud of him. 

4th - Elf day for my class.

5th - Xander getting his red and white stripe belt in his first Karate grading. 

6th - boys elf day in their school and Xander's concert - sang his little heart out and I'm totally beaming. 

7th - we put the tree up day! 

8th - Christmas knit day! 

9th - Jon and me had a Christmas shopping day, productive and lush us time. 

11th - Zac doing do brilliantly at Movie and Munch night at school without me. Claire messaging to say what a delight and wonderful little boys he is and how proud she is of him. A few blips but he coped amazingly with cuddles and reassurance with her. So thrilled with him I could burst. 

15th - Zac and Luc superstars at church, not sat with me because I was playing the piano. 

17th - Luc's first christmas concert - sang all the way through and did all the actions. Funny little superstar. 

20th - End. Of. Term. Hooray!  

21st - Babyclub Christmas dinner - cooking lovingly by Lex! Lush afternoon.

23rd - Christmas Eve Eve at Perrygrove Railway - a lovely festive Santa Twilight Train, with beautiful lights and just a lovely lovely evening.   The boys singing songs to Santa when they met him. 

24th - funny things they say - in Primark - Lucas picks up a Bra and announces that "this is for boobies" 

24th - Christmas Eve Snow White panto at the Congress Theatre. 

25th - A totally chillaxed Christmas day. Spaced out the presents so they lasted all day - boys played with everything they opened and it was such a lovely quiet calm day. 

27th - Christmas Date Night - Drago Lounge followed by the pub. 

28th - the boys on their bikes and a family Christmas day with Dan, Janet and co! Zac transitioning onto the bigger bike (Xander's old one) so well, recovering from a meltdown at the mere suggestion of giving it a try.  Giving it an amazing go - super! Luc pedalling a little too under his own steam on the little bike. 

30th - randomly bumping into Jo a the square with Harri and Ethan out on our bikes again.     Then a little bit of shopping, getting a new Hoover and a lampshade finally for Luc's bedroom!

31st  - Mark fixing out bathroom floor! Hooray! 

31st - Finishing the year at Auntie Ruth's house for an extended family NYE. 


Two hundred and fourteen moments and days of note this year and wondering just how many there will be as we go into Twenty Twenty. 


Wishing all we know a happy, healthy and peaceful new year and indeed new decade. 

Much love xXx 

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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