Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Snipped

This has been brewing for a week. Bubbling into a brain dump. My heart wrestling with my head. My husbands snip. 

Its done. Monday it was done. He's snipped. So we're done. 

Even though I already knew full well Lucas was my last. Even though I agreed Lucas would be the last. Even though him being the last was the right decision for this family for a whole multitude of reasons; mentally, medically, physically, emotionally, financially, coping capacity. 

Even though. Finality is not resting well just now. My heart isn't at peace with the end of our baby days, even though my head knows it is time and it is right. Even though I don't even really want any more babies anyway! These boys are my number.

But I can't help but wistfully look at my newest baby and will time to go slower and my baby days to last longer because I'm not really ready to let them all go; these infant years and my boys being all mine. Just mine. 

But we're done. A different chapter is looming and I'm not quite there.

It pains me to admit why my heart isn't at peace. 

A still longing for a girl.

Realising how utterly terrible it must sound when I still have so much. 

A longing for a girl that is entirely separate for my longing for Anabelle. Or maybe it isn't. Sometimes I just don't know. A longing for another girl we never had and never will have. 

What we got instead was magnificent, is magnificent. Three beautiful wonderful boys that came home. Lived. And fill our lives with so much life, love, colour, joy, healing. My boys so utterly adored beyond all measure, with so much to come, so much to look forward to, to enjoy, memories to make. A beautiful blessed life. 

But then there are those broken pieces of me that even they cannot fix.

The piece of me that is so fed up the sheer anxiety ripping through me every time I buy a present for a friends little girl. The piece of me that still after almost seven years cannot cope with girls clothes sections of stores. When what should be a simple decision like choosing an outfit or other item as a gift turns into this enormous heart palpitating ordeal.  The pieces of me that dread the endless bloody Princess parties that I could never throw for myself. The pieces of me that somewhat dread some close pregnancy and birth announcements because the 'fear' of a girl to deal with makes all my hairs stand on end and my stomach fall out. When conversations about family dynamics and so many fears of the future to come hurt and unsettle me because I'm now a mother of only boys and we lost our only girl. When you re-realise time after time after time all that was lost when our only daughter was robbed from us. Robbed. Realising I'd always imagined maybe another girl would heal some of this but it was never meant to be.

Unjust and unfair. Maybe it would've never have felt like this if there had never been a little girl penned in our lives.  But there was and there should be. 

Most of the time grief and life rumble along quite nicely together now, and the rainbows outshine the darkness. But that rawness lurks in the shadows. And some weeks, like this week, they threaten to jump out.  Because this week, snipped and really very finished now, has demanded that my crumpled thoughts have to try and let this go. And still I do not know how. 

A jumbled up mess of what was, what is and what could've been.


Monday, 27 February 2017

Lucas @ Seven Months



Here we are again, another month passed. A month of rolling and eating and teeth. A month where we're starting to see the very beginnings of who Lucas is going to be as an older baby. 



Days after his last blog update Lucas finally decided to roll properly. Now he is so fast to move onto his tummy that I can barely remember the few weeks ago when he was hardly moving at all. Rolling to his tummy is well and truly mastered, but although he can roll back the other way he does appear to choose not to on many occasions and shouts and complains for somebody to turn him back over!

video


This month Lucas has definitely needed a lot more entertaining and a lot more attention. Between a very obvious wonder week period and a month of cutting teeth its been a month of snuggles and cuddles. His happiest place at the moment is in arms, not even necessarily having to do anything else with him, other than hold him. Its just as well we love cuddling you baby Luc! 


Baby Lucas. What a month! I don't think we could have packed more into that month even if we had tried. This was the month you learnt to roll, and moved into your own room, ate lots of food, learnt your name, had your first go on a swing, attended your first wedding, had your first ride on a train and by the time I type this cut two teeth (the first a fortnight ago and the second within the last few days just after turning seven months old). 

Your teeth did indeed surprise us. At 6 months and 3 weeks old there was a tooth! Around three months earlier than either of your brothers, and low and behold at 7 months and a week old you have cut the second. It has meant a month of RUBBISH sleep for you, and therefore for me. The night you cut that first tooth we were up every hour. Every hour! The next night every other hour. The second tooth has not only seen multiple wake ups but waking up and staying awake for hours on end in the middle of the night too! Yes, I'm most definitely looking forward to a bit of respite from teething soon - as I expect are you. Poor baby. 



Your daytime sleep has changed too. You've settled into three naps a day now. Mostly of half hour in length but sometimes more and sometimes less, and still always better in arms! Daddy says I spoil you. 

You've moved into your room and in the cot have become the side sleeper I always knew you would be. You look so adorably cute all curled up on your side to sleep. Although I'll admit you have yet to spend the entire night in your room often coming in with me from midnight, or on a better night from around two. But I'm letting you off with your teething card for now! 



You are as gorgeous as ever Lucas. All 17lb 11oz of you. Your smile, your wonder at everything around you, your cheeky squirms and excited wiggles. You have such a beautiful nature. Just like your brothers. You can see your little personality really beginning to grow and shine; and it is cheeky! Obviously your brothers still get the very best out of you; you adore them, reaching for them whenever they are near to their excited squeals that your have held their hand or touched them or tickled them. 


video


They're less impressed however when you pull their hair baby man! Yes you've reached the reaching and grabbing at everything stage which includes hair and my glasses. Other than glasses and hair this month your favourite toys have been your orbit rattle, linky rings and twisty rattle. Basically anything that has been small enough to get your gums around and chew on! You also watch your light up toys with amazement - your big brothers enjoying your dancing Beat Bo robot as much, if not more than you do! 



The last few days you've started your third meal of the day and are enjoying a range of combined tastes now. Its been slow going but these last few days you're starting to behave hungry, like your anticipating food now and your appetite is on the up; I'm expecting a chunky weight gain by eight months now Lucas! 



Well once again you've ended up in my arms whilst I've been typing this. I ought to try putting you back into your bed, it is after all past eleven. My beautiful snoozing boy. 

Taken by Forrest and Fox

Have sweet dreams tonight precious baby. We adore you. 


Monday, 23 January 2017

Lucas @ Six Months

My Little is now half a year old!

I cannot believe that six whole months have passed by since that long long hottest day in July wondering if we were actually going to be making our way to theatre at all. Six whole months that have gone by far far too quickly; oh how I want time to slow down, the clock to stop and just to keep him as my baby that little bit longer.  His every first is my last first, every milestone he meets is another step away from these baby days for me. I really do absolutely love these small magical baby days, and I think you only realise how much as they start to come to their end, or at least this is true for me. It is an incredible mix of wonder and longing. 

Lucas's firsts have been as exciting as his brothers firsts; still as mesmerised with amazement watching him experience or master something for the first time, and there are still so many firsts to come. Firsts for all three. But Luc's firsts are my last firsts. 

He really is a magical baby. 

There have been so many moments in these last six months where the daily grind of three little people has overwhelmed me. Moments when I've wondered if I was actually cut out to be a mother of 'three'. Moments when I've absolutely felt at my maximum capacity to cope and wondering if I'm going to explode with the pressure. Moments when I've felt I should be doing better.

 I can't deny that adjusting to three has been much harder than the days when I was adjusting to two - whether that be because of the number of children or the schedule of the older children + newborn was so different this time. It has certainly been a whole new learning curve. 

But each month that passes I feel like we're mastering the routine of three. Their differing needs and differing schedules. Little tweaks trying to ensure they're all getting equal time and attention. The school run is still exhausting and getting in and out of the car still feels like a draining military operation, but, I'm getting to the point where I'm not entirely filled with horror of contemplating solo outings with no back up! *Notes the horror will return when Lucas wants loose out of the pram*   

All of these moments have by far have been outweighed by the absolute joy of our three little boys. And it keeps getting better and better.  I love it. Three boys. The big two's adoration of their baby. The love the three of them have for each other, watching them be brothers. Lucas has just slotted into their little mix so perfectly and they truly are becoming 'The Morgan Boys'. 

Beautiful Little.  You are six months old now. Half way through your first year; now you really are getting bigger and bigger. Six months old you are 16lb 12oz heavy. In six months you have put on a whopping 10lb and 4oz of weight! My tiniest boy really did catch up after his slow start. I can barely remember what the little 6lb 8oz you felt like now! 

You've had a busy month baby boy showing us all the new things you can do. The excitement on your face when somebody walks towards you and you know you're going to get picked up. You so obviously anticipate it now, arching your back upwards and even lifting your arms as if to say up! You love being up, being able to see and look around. You're nearly always content to just be, sitting on someones lap or playing on your mat. 

There has still been no update on progress in the rolling situation - still so happy with your own company, and toes, that you have given up on the idea of movement (although you did make some attempt today to get to your front... watch this space...) but you have started to try sitting up. You love it. You are very wobbly, and need to lean on your hands and arms to support yourself but you are so proud of yourself baby boy. Sitting up, all by yourself! You look so big! 



At six months old your favourite toys are your light up rattle, your shakey ball you can grab and your jumperoo. Boy you love the jumperoo! It is quite incredible how much you can already bounce! So much so you've managed to rip the underneath of the seat! I think you're going to love discovering a whole new world of toys over this next month as you get better and better at sitting up. Your half birthday present is looking set to be a hit too! 

Finally you have decided you quite like the bath now. After five months of only tolerating the bath if Mummy got into the water with you, and screaming blue murder if we dare sat you in your seat, now you are absolutely loving it. You sit there and you kick and splash and have a whale of a time. You've even started having baths with your big brothers which they think is just wonderful - although they keep telling you off for splashing or kicking them! 

You are definitely super ticklish baby boy. The quickest way to get you to chuckle in even the slightest of tickley fingers on your tummy or chest. Your little face beams and you're full of gurgles. You are just the happiest baby. No matter how grumpy anyone in our family is feeling, we all look at you and you make us smile; I've watched your brothers be in the grumpiest of moods but in the split of a second switch to happy when they're talking to you.  You are definitely our happy place! 

Just as Mummy promised last month you are in your big boy buggy now and as I anticipated you love it! You look so warm and cosy snuggled up in there and the royal blue wheels definitely suits you. 


Sleep has been mixed this month. You're slowly emerging into a three naps a day pattern now although their length are as unpredictable as ever. Night-times have been fairing better - although still a mixed bag of hopeless nights and great nights! And typically when you're having a great run your brothers are not instead! *eye roll* 

We think you are beginning to teeth. Poor baby. You had a week when you didn't know what to do with yourself. Chomping on fingers and toys, red and flushed in the face. There is still no signs of imminent teeth, but then I remember your brothers being much like this too - the odd weeks here and there of terrible teething symptoms but months before the actual first tooth appeared. Maybe your teeth will surprise you and us and come earlier. 


Now we're into another month full of new adventures. This weekend you've had your first tastes of food and so far you seem to be loving it. With apple, carrot and even a bit of mash potato under your belt I wonder what your favourite will be? Tomorrow you're trying broccoli!  

Oh and this definitely will be the month you move into your room. Its painted, its carpeted - so just the furniture to build and finishing touches to go....

Another month that will no doubt whizz by.



Happy half birthday precious boy. 
We love you all the world, and more. 





Saturday, 31 December 2016

Two Thousand and Sixteen

Tonight I've just put my little baby to bed, for the last time in the year of his birth. 

I whispered sweet nothings to him in his ear about how loved he is, how special he has made this year, our baby, how he has completed us in the only way we can be completed. How this has been his year. His year. 

Oh I feel so much regret now that it mattered even for a moment earlier on in this year when he was no longer a girl. Back when those scans revealed what we thought was going to be one thing, but turned out to be another. That is mattered a sonographer had got his gender wrong on the first look. Regret that is hit me as hard as it did and sent me down the path of a grief spiral once again. Yet another guilt of grief moment to carry along. Regret. It shouldn't have mattered and it certainly does not matter now. I feel so foolish that I worried at all his gender, because he was my last baby, could affect our bond. Because that boy is mine, he is him and I love him so.  

And the end of 2016 feels significant, a year I'm finding myself wanting to cling on to. The year my last baby was born. His year.  Maybe because this is it. 2017 sees the beginning of a brand new era for us. New baby days all done. Pregnancy days all done. No new babies to plan and prepare for. Now we're into the fully fledged childhood years! We're parents raising three rainbow beautiful boys. After Anabelle is becoming a subtitle Raising Rainbows. 

Maybe because this year I really have to deal with it and make my absolute peace with it; the biggest 'it' I've buried my head in the sand about for so long, because we really are not having anymore babies, which means we are really really never having an earth daughter. Oh there is so much to explore my head with around that, but that is another blog for another time.  2017 will have to be my year for that. More conscious healing. 

I remember feeling somewhat like this six years ago, as 2010 (click to open) drew to a close. Wanting to cling on to the year my first baby was born. Not wanting to pass into another year. Then, it felt like the symbolic change of the year was moving further away from her. Grief was still so so new and so so raw then. I had no idea what 2011 had in store. Of course 2011 gave us Alexander, another incredibly precious year, when the fledging whisp of healing began, but on the night of 31st December 2010 we couldn't see any rainbow and we certainly couldn't see any healing. 

Oh how far we've come and I feel so blessed. Especially this year bringing another little baby home. 

But tonight I'm feeling some bizzare juxtaposition. The end of 2010 hit me hard and I'm feeling a sad nostalgia as 2016 draws to a close. My first baby and my last baby. Their years. 

2016 has been indescribably good to us. I may have started off the year very poorly with a series of colds between us all and pneumonia and all that for me, but the rest of the year more than made up for it! 

Joining on the instagram "2016 Best Nine" photos this afternoon highlighted again the absolute sparkle and shine our little baby has added to our family this year, when all nine photos were from the second half of this year and he featured in all but two of them! 



This year I have carried on my thing of noting down all the happy, important, funny, wonderful days and moments. From the big things, little things, every day things. I love looking back on them on New Years Eve now.

The highlights of my year 2016! 


January 

1st - horrible start to year with Xander's school burnt down to nothing. Xander's sad but cute response Initially quite interested in photos on FB to see what was happening until he realised it was very broken and fireman Sam couldn't rescue it this time and then took himself off to bed for 5 minutes saying he felt very sad and didn't like fire on his school. Poor baby!

3rd - playing tickle and raspberry monsters on the bed with both boys! Very excited small ones - Wound them up good and proper! 

4th - the duplo barn Xander built for all his animals after our little animals brainstorm. 

7th - first baby tiny scan. 8+1. 

15th - lots of kisses from the boys leaving for work. Zac asking for 'another one' 

25th - Xander back into school today, not being dazed and going straight to to play! 

27th - Xander; I like Lily thought because she is the prettiest thing ever in the whole world! 😂 

27th - Zac having his first bedtime wee wee in the potty. 

28th - baby scan, 11+3, Due date 15th August 2016. Telling Xander and him smiling and saying 'I hope it's a sister' 

30th - Zac in the pool - totally blown away by his confidence. Hasn't been in a pool for a year, and has only been in a few times in total his whole life. But today, with a woggle, he quickly learnt to balance himself, then kicked his legs and moved his arms to swim himself around - totally independent and awesome. So proud. Little natural water baby! 


February 

5th - X being really cute and told Zac off for climbing on me saying he had to be careful because there was a baby in my tummy! 

6th - Zac surprising us knowing what 2,3,8 was on number jacks game!

9th - feeling so very poorly but loved hearing the boys play together from my sick bed upstairs. 

10th - Xander lying on my tummy to give the baby a cuddle. ❤️ 

13th - sweet darling Small who went to find a wet wipe and then wiped my face because I was crying. 

19th - the effort and time Xander took on his duplo house with Nana and Bampi. 4 hours before it was totally finished. Loved all the thought and ideas he put into it, the attic and the roof. extension for a toilet, dining room with table and chairs, steps up to the attic and a sunflower in the garden like Bampi's garden. Amazing! 

22nd - Zac dancing along to the end of in the night garden! 'Daisy dancing' 

26th - discovering Xander can read 1000! 


March 

7th  - a new car for my birthday! 

11th  - Xander, shouting at my tummy; I love you baby! 😍❤️🌈

11th - Xander spelling at bath time with his bath letters. 'Mummy' but backwards! 

12th - Crack of dawn conversations about childbirth with my 4 year old! Try to answer he questions that a c-sec won't leave me with a pouch like a kangeroo and that not every mummy needs to have babies out of tummies, some babies are born out of foo's at the bottom. Told him Belle born out of foo, and he nearly was but he got stuck so a Dr helped him out of my tummy, so Zac came out of my tummy and so will this one!

17th - most normal day since 6th Feb. Lolipops am, blooms pm, boating lake! 

19th - the boys playing with their cousins and time at the boating lake, watching Zachy really get to grips with his scooter! 

19th - Baby finally decided to be properly wiggly, so wiggly even Daddy felt it! The earliest for him. 

23rd - Zac trying to tell me about his day at nursery when I arrived to pick him up - play friends, painting, then key worker prompted outside and he said garden! 

25th - X is turning into such a thoughtful Big! Small was crying for his morning milk; X suddenly appeared next to bed with cup of milk for him! 😍

25th - lovely good Friday! Easter egg hunt. A drive, a nandos, another drive and a walk around Roath park - loved watching Zac on scooter - he has proper cracked it not and is super speedy, shouting Yee-Haa every time he zooms off! 😂

28th - lovely day at the farm with Sorreya Oscar and Celyn

31st - few days with Hannah and Katie. Dinosaur Land and swimming. 


April 

3rd - feeling better about being told girl and then it changing to boy after a very turbulent few days of emotions. Chuffed we have a boys name finally. Waiting on another scan now to say who baby is once and for all. 

6th - Mummy and big day with X. Treetops crazy golf, Lego shop, chocolate cake and bus rides. 

9th - the playhouse!

10th - day out with Sorreya buying Little its first little bits! Rainbow outfit and new playmat.

15th - naming Little Lucas Elias Morgan 💙🌈  22 weeks pregnant. 

19th - Xander feeling Luc wriggle. 

23rd - dancing with the boys to the superman song! 

23rd - new armadillo city stroller for Zac! 

24th - our together 10 years anniversary, and an evening at The Stuffed Dormouse. 

24th - Sorreya's baby shower 

30th - watching this alien baby move my tummy around! 


May 

1st - Mason and Isla's christening and a lovely day with friends. 

2nd - lovely day in Plymouth including a wet weather walk around Burrator Reservior 

5th - Bestie's baby boy Perkins born! 

7th - train ride, treasure hunt and shopping in Cardiff. 

15th - listening to Zac sing along to all the frozen songs. 

17th - morning in Xander's nursery making a 2D rocket together. 💙

21st - this little piggy rhyme with the boys. Shrieking with laughter! 

26th - Zac loving his Elsa dolly present for half birthday. 

27th - boys enjoyed their gardening day with Bampi and then pouring water over each others heads! 

29th - first day of holiday - blissful morning sat on westward Ho beach after a short stroll from the caravan. Really relaxing day! 

30th - Bude swimming pool. Boys loving the waves and water slide. First times on water slide. 

31st - Westward Ho beach, watching boys play in the sea puddle. Bowling in afternoon. Zac first time but getting only strike and winning game! Jon coming last haha! 


June 

1st - cinema to watch King fu panda. Zacs first time at cinema. Afternoon in Plymouth to play with cousins. 

1st - Xander; 'When you go to work Mummy, you are a teacher and look after children, when Daddy goes to work he just disappears doesn't he!'

2nd - pirate crazy golf, go kart race cars, gnome garden. 

3rd - wollocombe beach. Gorgeous family day and gorgeous family photo on an evening stroll later on. Perfect family holiday week! 

11th - Luc 4D scan - so so like his brothers! 💙

11th - my baby shower afternoon tea at Cwrt Bleddyn. 

20th - swimming with Small 

30th - happy hands with small

30th - Tgi Fridays dinner time with Big


July 

2nd - Mike and Jo wedding. Zac 'mummy princess dress, I lub it' 

5th - Xander's sports day 

7th - Xander coming out of school with 5 stickers and his teachers telling me how kind and helpful he's been all day! 

9th - ITNG live! Zac's absolute mesmerization by it! 

12th - cinema school trip with Xander ❤️  lovely message in Zootropolis film. Well my boy nearly made me cry on his school trip this morning. Decided while we were queuing for the bus to tell everyone that he had a sister called Belle but she died. But she was still in his family and he took flowers to her. I'm not sure where it came from. His TA responded beautifully too. 😢

18th-  Xander's nursery graduation 

19th - Our perfect Lucas Elias Morgan born, 7lb 6oz at 16.32. Completing our rainbow family. We couldn't be more thrilled! 

20th - boys meeting their new brother. Gorgeous photo - my favourite of the year!  

22nd - bringing Luc home. 

29th - reading We're Going On A Bear Hunt with the boys! 

30th - our first family of 5 afternoon out. 

31st - watching the boys play in Grandma's garden. Football and then running into each others arms, calling out names for a big cuddle with eachother. 


August 

1st - Our 7th wedding anniversary. Cripple creek dinner and lolipops painting

3rd - Day in Cardiff and Jon ordering my eternity ring! 

5th - new baby photo shoot with Jenny Healy 

6th - St Fagans with Marie and Twins

8th - epic new paddling pool fun 

11th - lovely day at the farm. 

19th - the boys and the baby. Singing 'baby Luc I love you' to him in the moses. 

28th - Folly Farm day out! 

29th - Morgan Jones park Caerphilly splash park! 

30th - winning a water babies course! 

31st - mambo soft play and Cardiff bay beach with Xander. 


September 

1st - Xander starting reception 

6th - Lucas first smile age 7 weeks. At Xander playing peekaboo with him! 

18th - Seth's Dedication in Plymouth

28th - Zac being fabulous at potty training. No accidents at nursery all day. Day 6. 


October 

14th - Xander's 5th birthday!

15th - Xander's birthday day trip to Longleat

16th - Xander's Bumble Bee Transformers birthday party! 

17th - reading Charlie and Chocolate Factory with Xander. 

18th - Xander's family afternoon at school

18th - Costa Coffee with Zac. 

19th - snoozing and snuggling in bed with Lucas 

19th - Luc listening to Sugalump and the Unicorn, and smiling and really looking at book. 

20th - Xander dressed as Charlie for school Roald Dahl day. 

20th - the boating lake with Small and Little

25th - autumn walk and pictures

27th - Cardiff museum 

28th - Broomstick School at Llanyrafon Manor

29th - Danny's 30th birthday trip to Plymouth 



November 

1st - Xander's truly spectacular parents evening. Kind and friendly, well-behaved, and above average throughout his baseline assessment - working in outcome 3 already and towards outcome 4 by the end of reception! Amazing! Grouped with year 1 pupils for maths. 

4th - Xander's first reading book home! 

5th - Bonfire Night! 

6th - Luc's underwater photoshoot and Techniquest afternoon

6th - Luc's first little giggle - at his Daddy making funny noises and faces. 

7th - the farm with small. Zac writing Z for Zac in sand! 

9th - Xander singing 'When Santa got stuck up the chimney'

16th - Zac star of the day in nursery for Makaton signing. 

25th - Zac getting his place in school nursery for January! 

26th - Zac's birthday 'I three'

27th -Zac's birthday party! 

28th - Zac pointing remote at tv - saying 'turn to Peppa' as of it is voice activated! 


December 

3rd - Zac's birthday day trip to  @Bristol and ice skating

4th - Santa's magical post office in Cardiff bay 

6th - Xander opening his reception Christmas concert and welcoming everyone. 

10th - Zac 'Xander, where is uncle Danny's house' - Xander 'past the wavy roof in england' 

10th - Reuben's birthday party day in Plymouth. 

13th - Zachy - "I not cute, I gorgeous" 😂

17th - Christmas Day with Hannah 

18th - Godmother to George at his Christening

21st - day out shopping with Xander and Luc 

24th - Clearwell Caves FC visit 

24th Zac singing jingle bells 

25th -Christmas Day 2016. Lucas face of wonder at his light up rattle, Zac adoring his fairy and Xander loving his slime! 

26th - Christmas dinner with the Villars family. 

27th - 12 days of Xmas trail at Duffryn gardens. 

27th - Buying Zac's school shoes. 

28th - choosing furniture for Luc's nursery

28th - Zac's last day at Acorns. 

30th - Christmas buffet with Sorreya Keith Oscar and Jac! 

31st  - Boating lake walk and scoot, Luc's last walk in the carrycot! Sob! 

31st - whispering sweet nothings into Luc's year at bedtime as the magnificent year of his birth comes to an end.


One hundred and thirty five moments recorded, not to mention the ones I probably forgot to write down. But if I had to pick just one moment of all, from the entire year? It would be this one. My three rainbow boys, together for the very first time. After Anabelle Raising Rainbows. This was my 2016. 


Wishing all I know a peaceful and joyous 2017. 

Happy New Year. 




Thursday, 29 December 2016

Lucas @ Five Months

Five months old. 

Oh this boy. I'm so in love with him I could burst. We're absolutely adoring this age he is now. Still our little baby, but oh so interested, interactive, playing and discovering.  He beams at us all day long - our happy smiley baby boy. He locks on to you as soon as you walk in the room now, he seems to instantly know when I am there and searches me out in the room. He shouts and stares to try and get your attention as you walk past him. Lucas just loves his Mummy, Daddy and brothers. 

Lucas is awake more and longer now;  awake for anything up to two and a half to three hours before needing a nap. Some days it feels like he hardly naps at all when his sleeps can be as little as 15-20 minutes. But others times he will sleep much longer. He is still so unpredictable like that. Of course he sleeps the best during the day when I can just sit and hold him; and I love those times, all snuggled, feeling his weight curled and so totally relaxed against me. So when I can, I do, totally soaking it up and spoiling him and indulging me! I know how quickly these baby days will pass us by, already passing us by! 

This month wasn't super great for night-time sleep. The four month sleep regression struck again! It could've been worse - paling into comparison of Zachary's regression for example - but still! Now in the last week he's slept through four nights in a row again, so maybe just maybe we're coming out the other side properly now?! Who knows. These babies like to keep us on our toes. 

Now talking of toes...



Darling baby Lucas, you are five months old and 15lb 12oz big. This month you have discovered your voice and your toes. Your toes are your absolute favourite thing at the moment; all day long you are reaching for them, pulling them, pulling your socks off, and trying to get your toes in your mouth!  You are getting all the noisier too; shouting and gurgling and cooing. You've discovered how to put your lips together to blow raspberries, bubbles, and make more mumbly noises. I love listening to you chatter away and tell your stories. You're learning the art of a conversation now and will often answer Mummy with your little voice. Heart swell. 

Little giggles have turned into little belly laughs and you are the most adorable thing. You're already quite ticklish and chuckle and gurgle away as we tickle your tummy! I don't remember your brothers being quite so ticklish when they were still so little. 


This month has all been about discovering Christmas. You have loved all the lights and decorations at home and out and about. Happily led in your pram watching the lights and sparkly things travel above your head. You went to Xander's Christmas concert and didn't take your eyes off the stage for the whole performance! Entranced you were! 




It was so special sharing your first Christmas with you this week. Your favourite thing about presents was of course trying to eat the paper - but you've loved the actual presents too - your light up rattle was a real hit, a delightful mix of trying to watch the colours as you move it but so desperate to get it into your mouth to have a good old chew! A visit from Father Christmas means suddenly you have lots more toys to play with (and for Mummy to put away!) and have had your first go in the Jumperoo too. As predicted it looks like you're going to love it - bouncing away on your feet! 

You are that bit older than your brothers were on their first Christmas so you have been so much more involved - even sitting with us for Christmas dinner in the highchair for the first time! I cannot believe another few weeks from now we'll have to start to think about giving you food! 




Lucas you are getting so big now and ready to do so much more; although you are still so happy led on your playmat exploring toys, your toes and watching the world go by too. Too happy in some respects! Even though you have shown us you can roll around, (we had one evening when you rolled front to back and back to front many times in quick succession), you are definitely choosing not to go too far since!  You're happy when you're on your back, on your front or on your side so currently have no reason to try and change your position that much than you already do. Not that I'm in any rush for you to be on the move, baby movement = additional chaos so I'm enjoying this relative quiet while it lasts! Haha! 




But you're getting stronger. You are beginning to sit so much more steadily on our laps now  - holding your head up without getting tired for longer and longer.  You adore being propped up on pillows or cushions to sit up and see - trying to lift yourself off them to sit up even further! You love being pulled to sitting when someone holds your hands from lying down. You always seem so pleased with yourself and excited; you can feel you're anticipating the move, tensing, lifting your head up and making yourself ready to go. You're getting so clever little baby! 



This next month is going to have to be the month Mummy finally puts the seat on the buggy instead of the carrycot on your wheels. Here I am clinging on to this piece of newborn-ness still, but I'm going to make myself move you in the New Year. You still love the carrycot, and travel around all day in it quite happily. You love it when the hood is down, looking around, but you're ever so slightly too big now, you're ready for a more grown up way to travel. I've stretched you long enough!  You have a new toy ready for your buggy bar and I'm looking forward to snuggling you into the seat with the fleecy foot-muff for the winter.  I think you're going to love sitting up in the buggy to look around even more than you do lying down in the pram! It might be harder to get to your toes strapped in though! 



This next month we're going to be decorating and make your nursery ready for you. Its being repainted and re-carpeted just for you, and you're getting new furniture now too - not quite so the recycled nursery from your brothers after all! I'm so excited to make it pretty for you but it will be ever so strange moving you to sleep into your own room. I'm going to treasure these last few weeks of my little baby in his Moses bed next to me. 

Ah growing up boy. 

I cannot believe we'll be whizzing towards your half birthday within weeks. How can you possibly have been here for nearly half a year already?! 2016 has been so good to us, it gave us you, beautiful you. 

You light up our world, Baby Little. 
We couldn't love you, any of you, more!  💙





Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Small is THREE!

Last month the middle boy had a birthday!

Our lovely Zachy Small is three! There is no way Zachary feels anywhere near big enough to be three mind you! My small. Still my Small, he really is a doot for his age; 89cm tall, still wearing 18-24 month trousers and only just going in to 2-3 on top. Only a size 6 shoe.  So Small, yet a month from now starts his school nursery journey! 

He doesn't seem at all big enough - at his nursery starter meeting last week the other Rising 3's seemed to tower above him! The uniform shops seem to agree he is too small too - hand-me-downs from Xander's nursery start are ridiculously oversized in 3-4 and so new uniform is being bought - I've been struggling to find 2-3 uniform still in stock - so bits and pieces are coming from a few different places. But we're getting there, jumpers and tshirts are bought. Trousers and shoes we'll think about after Christmas now. 

I'm as nervous for him starting nursery as I was for Alexander.

I thought it would be easier to let the apron strings unravel a bit this time around - but it proves that different children give you different worries and it is no easier with the nerves of starting school at all! With Xander (click to open) it was all about my own resistance to change, letting him go, worrying about others looking after him for half a day every day, I worried about him being ready of course, but I knew on the whole he would be ok; he had that kind of personality and he gelled fairly well in most situations. My compliant and easy going little boy. 

This time around I know the team that will be looking after Zac. They're vivacious and dedicated and there are no worries there, although I'll admit I'm not really ready to share him that bit more! Still I feel unnerved that he has to grow up.  I worry that  he isn't really ready.  I worry that we're rushing him. Even more than I worried that Alexander wasn't ready. Zachy is less easy-going than his older brother, much more sensitive, quick to react, quick to be upset and very much still a toddler. A baby. Oh how he will change so very quickly when he starts in school. All of a sudden he will grow up too much I'm sure. Thrive just as his big brother did after all my nerves of him starting school nursery. I hope so anyway!




My beautiful beautiful boy. Three. It sounds so big when you are so Small. I'm not ready for you to be big! But you? You love being big! You are forever telling us that you are NOT a baby. 

This is since the arrival of your baby brother. You are a Big Brother now and you love it! On your first visit to the hospital to meet him you couldn't take your eyes off him. In the beginning you called Lucas 'it' - but in the most adorable affectionate way; requesting of us that 'I hold it'. When he was brand new you didn't like it when he cried. He was too noisy! 

You make us so proud in how you care for your baby brother, you are always talking to him and giving him cuddles, or proudly telling strangers when we're out and about that he is your Baby Luc. Your Baby. So often you and Xander fall out now about whose baby brother Luc is - you not accepting that he is actually baby brother to both of you! 




There really is so much to tell you - you've had an amazingly busy six months. Learning and growing. Changing. You are so chatty to everyone. To a complete stranger in a lift, or a queue, or the cashier at a till, other children playing at the park, you'll turn around to and say 'I'm Zachary' or 'I'm Zachy'.  Your vocabulary has exploded all the more and the way you talk has changed, more grown up. Nearly everyone can understand everything you say now. It felt like your speech grew up overnight when Lucas was born. 

You have these adorable little phrases. Some are beautifully reminisent of things that Xander used to say when he was the same amount of big as you. Things like 'I not sleepy, it good morning' to his 'I not sleepy, I wake up'. You still make a 'b' sound when you should say 'v' - but it makes for the cutest expressions.  'I lub you' 'It too heaby'. 'Seebeeseebees' for CBeebies. You like to tell us who you want to talk to, most days I hear 'I want to talk to Mummy'. You are already asking 'Why?', which feels way earlier than Xander's 'Why' stage. 


At three you love Ben and Holly, you love having a story read to you, you like singing songs; my favourite at the moment is listening to you sing along to Emeli Sande 'Wonder'.  You love Happyland toys and role play, fairies and princesses and pink. I love watching you play with Xander as you discover imaginary play with him; your little people go on such adventures with you! 

You hate loud noises. Genuinely petrified of crowds shouting and screaming, noisy parties and hand driers in toilets. It is ironic really when you can make the most piercing scream that goes absolutely through me every time you make it. 

You're no longer that keen on having your photograph taken, unless you are caught in exactly the right mood! You're going through that phase. Or at least I hope its a phase because you have very snap happy parents - wrong family boyo! At the moment I'm winning through bribery and corruption or stealth photos! Haha! 

You love swimming. You are a little fish. So confident already and have been since before you were two and a half - I really should've have had this on your last blog update. You surprised us all on a family swim one day - a woggle around you and off you went, kicking your legs, trying to use your arms and speedily travelling through the water. You totally blew us away! You've started swimming lessons now and now you'll swim around with a mini woggle under each arm instead of a big one around your tummy! 

You my boy are so physically brave and fearless. You love the challenge of climbing and bouncing. I'm absolutely convinced you will be the first of my children to break a bone. Just a few months ago we turned around at the farm to find you dangling by your arms from some pretty high monkey bars. Needless to say Daddy dashed over to catch you before you let go. Gulps from Mummy. You will turn me grey! 




You are getting so independent and are as determined as ever! Absolutely refusing help now until you ask for it if you have decided that you will do something by yourself. It amuses me how much you want to try doing for yourself compared to your big brother who would be happy to still let me to absolutely everything for him! 

Zachy you are such a sensitive soul. You can be such a Jekyll and Hyde; you'll even tell us if you're feeling Happy Zachy or Grumpy Zachy! You're sensitive to the way others interact with you, you are a child who loves his own space to play and sometimes needs that space away from others. Sometimes you really struggle if someone invades your space. But equally you love the joy of the game with other children too. You're still learning how to interact with the world. You show such beautiful concern for others when you can see they are upset - you come along and ask what is the matter, or pat someone shoulder to show your concern. 




You're growing up far far too quickly. In just a few weeks you will start nursery class at school! It is going to be so exciting, new adventures, new friends, new things to learn.  More big changes! 





You are precious and brilliant and fabulous Zachy, 
and don't you ever forget it. 

We love you Small xXx 






Monday, 12 December 2016

Changing Christmas

This year we're changing our Christmas routine. 

Even a year ago I wouldn't have believed I could ever feel it was the right change to make. To be honest, I'm not sure it is the right change to make. 

We're not going up to the cemetery Christmas Day. 

Instead we're going to go up with Anabelle's garden gift things on Christmas Eve afternoon. 

The guilt is already in the pit of my stomach, like we're cutting our daughter out of Christmas. Doing something we promised we'd never do. Not doing something we promised we'd always do. 

Not going to her on Christmas Day. 

Christmas has been bothering me for weeks. 

The nagging feeling that it wasn't fair on the boys to rush their Christmas morning, or clock-watch, the potential of their mother getting stressed and anxious and snappy to get out of the house by a certain time and up to their sister so we had time to fit everything in before cooking dinner.

So I floated the idea to Jon at the weekend that maybe we should go to Anabelle on Christmas Eve. This year to see how it felt. To see if it could fit and become what we do at Christmas. 

That maybe while the boys are so young their entire Christmas morning or even the day at home should be the priority. 

Not rushing them, rushing presents, rushing getting them dressed, rushing up there, and rushing back home. Not giving ourselves time-pressures on Christmas Day that would threaten to bubble and boil and spoil.  I don't want to rush my time with Belle up there, and I don't want to rush my time with the boys at home. 

So this year we're making a change. 

It feels the wrong thing to do and the right thing to do all at the same time. It feels like maybe a slippery slope. I don't know.

This year we're so excited for Christmas. Baby Lucas's first Christmas. Its a big deal. I've already enjoyed dressing him up in the novelty Christmas outfits, my little baby Elf, and his little Christmas Jumper. I've chosen what I'll want him to wear on Christmas day and the 'My First Christmas' pyjamas he'll wear to bed Christmas Eve. And of course for the older boys too. Wanting to make it magical for them. 

Excited.

It has taken us years to reach excited. For those first four years we went through the motions, mostly treading water, knowing that Boxing Day would wipe me out completely after holding it together Christmas Day.  It has taken us all these years to reach this point and it had to be a conscious effort to do it. Deciding to try so very hard to embrace Christmas. 

Only because of the boys. An Alexander that understood Christmas deserved a Mother who did better at it. Didn't crash at some point within it. 

Year five was a bit hit and miss. But last year, her sixth Christmas, we managed it, a happy build up AND an entirely happy Christmas day. A corner had been turned. Somehow I felt like we had this whole Christmas thing sorted out now, managing the the turmoil, successfully riding the low without getting dragged under for the first time in six Christmas'. 

But now, even as we approach her seventh Christmas this time of year is still surrounds us in some turmoil. Still ever aware of all that we're missing. The little girl party dresses and shoes in your face everywhere, the cute pink and sparkly Christmas jumpers and matching Mummy and Daughter Christmas print dresses that are all the rage at the moment.  It stings and hurts as much as it ever did and always will. The things I can never do with the boys. 

So maybe I didn't have it quite so sorted out as I thought last year. Because attempting to make a change is hard, leaving me jittery and not really knowing how I'll react to it until it is done. Maybe we should be going up there Christmas Day. I really don't know. I feel torn and guilty. Mostly just wishing we didn't even have to contemplate grave visits for our daughter at all.  

Trying to fit four children into Christmas when we can only see three. Trying to be fair to everyone.  

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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