Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Here Comes The Storm

I wanted to post all about Alexander hitting three and a half. I wanted to rave about what a wonderful beautiful little boy he is; emerging from a toddler to pre-schooler and amazing me every day. But at the moment instead I am consumed with anxiety. 

Earlier than ever before my unravelling for June has begun. Unravelling for weeks already; very possibly since almost as soon as we got back from France. Disney the greatest of distractions, until a momentous testing June became the next milestone after our holiday was over.

Each year there seems to be a more violent a reaction than the last, earlier, longer, and a feeling of something, somewhere, continuously, continuously, twisting and turning that knife, cutting me deeper. Those barely scabbed over wounds are open once more and I know the next six weeks, more, who knows, is going to be a huge whirlwind of pain. Who said it was supposed to get easier? Certainly notable people now expect me to be better at this.

This year I'm not just dreading June, I'm outright scared of it. I feel anxious. The kind of anxious that when its really catching you it makes your chest hurt, makes you feel nauseous, gives you that sinking pit of the stomach feeling. The feeling on the brim of tears too often anxious, exhausted anxious, broken-hearted anxious, hide me under a duvet until at least July anxious. 

Here comes the storm. 

And I'm so fed up of this shit. 

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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