Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 1 February 2016


2016; the year we're getting one bigger. 

Baby Morgan the 4th (and last!) is due to join us this summer. Of course it is a very long road until then with no guarantees, we know that, but at the moment we're feeling hopeful. Excited even. I'm so looking forward to a tiny little baby again and cautiously excited about having a summer baby, a summer baby that hopefully stays with us. This little ones due date is just a week after Belle's, which means I'm going to be hitting milestones at almost the same time as hers, meaning I'll be 32 weeks around her birthday. At the moment I can't predict how that is going to affect me during June, for Anabelle's birthday or the pregnancy, at the moment I'm trying to think brave. 

But brave is becoming harder as the care I had with the boys has not been forthcoming so far on this pregnancy. I'm feeling increasingly angry about the situation. The suite at the hospital and consultant that saw our two boys here safely seem to have washed their hands of me. On ringing them to tell them I was expecting again I was met with the news of some sort of 'department restructure' and that my consultant would no longer be my consultant and my notes would be handed over to whoever the new one would be. They couldn't give me the name of that new consultant or even when I would be seen by them, just that I would 'have to wait for an appointment through antenatal clinic'. Considering I was seen at 6 weeks for an initial meet and early care plan for both of the boys I've been struggling quite a lot with this change of care; feeling quite foolish that I presumed my continuity of care on Llanfoist with Miss Rich would continue.  

I've now had my dating scan in normal antenatal clinic and still have not heard from my new consultant, still have no name of my new consultant. Just that this nameless and faceless consultant will be reviewing my notes and the midwives have left notes on my file that I wish to be seen as soon as possible. As far as I'm concerned this is unacceptable. How am I supposed to trust the judgement of a consultant I know nothing about thus far?! Not to mention that I'm going into the second trimester with no care plan in place, which means I can only presume at the moment that the care I've had in second trimester; the swabs, extra doppler scans, extra checks, will not be happening. 

At the moment I'm not feeling particularly safe for the long run. I hope my fears will be unfounded and when I finally meet my new consultant they will be lovely and put in place the care plan that I had for both boys without question. But at the moment I'm feeling very much low priority, and that Llanfoist have abandoned me because I now have two living children.  But this new baby matters just as much, this new baby as far as I'm concerned is at as equal risk of dying as the boys were, needs as much monitoring because no-one knows why Anabelle died - whatever apparently randomly killed her, could kill this baby - and because it is blatantly obvious from even a quick scan of my notes that my mental health as this pregnancy progresses will need as much monitoring, reassurance and support as before. While I accept there is no medical reason for extra care at these early stages the practice of pulling the carpet from beneath my feet and leaving me feeling vulnerable stinks. I shouldn't have to fight for continuity of care or identical care to previous pregnancies. 

I'm on the verge of officially complaining.  

The first trimester has seen sickness both nausea and vomiting, especially in the early morning and late evening and constant waves of nausea and occasional sickness during the day. If I was going to rate it I would say probably joint second; Zachary being the worst, Anabelle and this one jostling for second and third place depending on what sort of day I've had and Alexander of course being the easiest regarding the sickness for the lot! At 12 weeks I'm already adopting the pregnant shape and a definite little bump is appearing; now if only I could find my maternity clothes! 

This one has seen a whole new set of symptoms that I don't really remember having with any of the others, a few weeks of a metallic taste in my mouth and hugely sore boobs on a level I've not known in early pregnancy before. But the biggest difference I think on this pregnancy is how tired I am - of course I've felt tired in previous pregnancies, but this isn't in a 'the boys have run me ragged' or a busy day type tired, but like my body is absolutely physically exhausted and times when I literally cannot keep my eyes open - the house is currently going to rack and ruin, I'm permanently behind on the chores because I cannot find the energy to do anything after the boys are in bed; and there has been lots of nodding off on the sofa, in the car and going to bed earlier and earlier. 

At 9.10pm this is becoming a late night for me tonight! 

Now does anyone want to play the nub theory game? 

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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