Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Zachary @ 12 Months

Or well actually 13 months. 

Life since Zac's birthday has been crazy, we moved into our new house, had no internet for me to post with, and then it was Christmas - so opportunity to write his birthday blog has been slim. I've been slacking! 

He has changed so much since I last managed to write. He all of a sudden seems to understand so much of what we're saying to him. Of course the word 'no' gets met with him laughing at us, he's a cheeky little thing, but he knows. He 'gets' how to join in the game or the song now and will start rocking back and forth if you sing "Row your boat" with him, or tries to cover his face already to play Peekaboo.  His play his changing and he's becoming a proper little grown up boy now. His favourite Christmas presents have been his Egg box, his new toot toot toys and his ELC toybox bus filled with little characters. He is just loving putting the little eggs in and out of the box, the characters in and out of the bus and his little cars at the top of the ramps and pushing them down. 

It is funny. When Xander was this age he felt like such a big boy, the baby rapidly disappearing before my eyes, but with Zac, even though he can do much more physically than Xander could do he still feels like my tiny little Baby Small. I don't know whether it is because I have such a big boy Xander right next to him, or because he is quite a bit smaller than Xander was at the same age but he really is still my baby. 

My lovely Zachary, on your birthday you were still only 20lb 14oz.  I can't believe you are ONE! Your first year past us by so very quickly and here we are and we've already had your second Christmas. Although it really felt like your first considering you didn't open your eyes until 9.00pm on your first Christmas! 

Your birthday was really special. You had your special Dedication service at Church a few days before you turned one and your birthday party after that. You were the star of the show my boy, so happy and going wild with those instruments in your Happy Hands music party. You were beautiful. 

You just love music at the moment Zac. It is so cute, whenever one of your songs start singing you start dancing along with it rocking in time to the music. You adore music class on a Tuesday morning and are so good at playing along on the instruments, banging a drum with a maraca or shaking some bells along. 

You know who everyone is now Zac. If we ask you where somebody is you turn straight away and look towards them. I just love that you know I am Mummy,  Daddy is Daddy and Xander is Xander.  You've become so affectionate too, head rubbing into Daddy's beard and nuzzling, you are still such a cuddly boy and I love holding you in my arms.  I know all too well this time that before I know it cuddles will be more fleeting as you become a busier and busier, dare i say it, toddler! You're starting to give your own version of kisses when asked for a kiss too. "Have you got kisses for Mummy?" is met with you leaning opened mouthed towards me giving me wet slobbery but just gorgeous kisses complete with you saying Awww.  Daddy and Xander get kisses too! Just adorable :) 

You are starting to make a few noises that are sounding like recognisable words.  You've said hiya, and boo and something that sounds like Xander a few times and you are most definitely calling me Mama. Oh it makes me heart melt to hear you call me by name already and before you've said Dada too! 

You are so very clever at balancing and climbing now little Mr. You've already discovered this art of getting to 'high' places and the other week Daddy discovered you up on top of the coffee table at Nana and Bampi's house.  If there is something to step up onto you are straight on it - I'm so not ready for this, your brother was much older before he discovered he could climb! But you're so clever and it is so exciting to watch you at the moment.  Just before your birthday you started to briefly let go and stand by yourself for a few seconds, but just yesterday at 13 months and a day old you completely mastered standing up by yourself - you seem so small and dinky but you're so proud of yourself - you think it is such a great game and you even tried a few times to take a step forward yesterday too - those first steps they're not going to be too far away we imagine. 

You still have only the two teeth, but boy are you suffering again at the moment. Between you obviously teething with four teeth in your top gum bulging (cut already, they've been visible for weeks!) and suffering the ongoing side effects of your MMR jab this month has felt like one thing after another for illness and unsettled baby you.  I don't think ongoing  separation anxiety is helping the matter at all either, so needless to say, you're still not sleeping well but at least now we're in our new house we have a king bed to share when the night gets tough instead of just a double! 

For now following on from the pattern I set with your brother I'll leave you grow for a while now you've had your birthday and write about everything you can do when you reach your next half birthday. 

We love you so so much Baby Small. 

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Zachary @ 11 Months

In just under three weeks this wonderful little boy will be one! One!  This year has sped by at an astonishing rate; pretty unfathomable really that this time last year I was enormously pregnant and counting down the days anxiously to Zachary's birth day. 

So Zac is 11 months old. 

Last month I said I thought we would have a fire-cracker on our hands before long and I was definitely right! Zac has become really quite feisty and absolutely determined these last few weeks! He shouts when he wants to get up now, he shouts when he wants to get down, shouts when you are not getting his food quick enough, shouts when you are trying to dress him, shouts about going in the buggy or carseat and shouts at Xander when he won't let him play with the toy he wants!  More than ever before he has discovered his will and his voice. 

Zac is such an adventurous little thing now and the definition of 'into everything' - leave a door or gate open and he spots it within seconds and is off exploring, leave anything on the side within his reach and he'll have nabbed it before you know it. 

Mostly I think he just wants to be like his big brother. Whatever Xander is doing Zac wants to be doing, he won't leave Xander alone at the moment and although Xander is amazing at playing with his baby brother, sometimes, understandably he wants to play with his big boy toys without his pesky baby knocking everything over! 

I'll tell you this; a newborn and just turned two year old is MUCH easier than an almost one year old and just turned three year old. Chaos reigns! 

Darling Zachary, at 11 months old you weigh 20lb 13oz. You've had me worried my boy with your weight gain slowing down so much but the health visitor says you are just fine. You're definitely getting a bit more demanding of food now, wanting the second boob at milk time as well as up to 7oz of milk with Daddy when he gives you a bottle so with an ever increasing appetite I'm sure you'll be having a great big growth spurt and chunky weight gain before long. 

This month you have been getting more and more social. You are so funny and cheeky now little Mr. You are babbling more and more; constantly cooing to yourself, blowing bubbles and chatting away in your own little way.  You have learnt to 'High 5' too which is super cute. 

You are adventurous and into everything now. If we don't want you to have it you are all the more determined to get it - this month especially the TV remote or our mobile phones!  You are on the go all the time crawling from one place to the next and pulling yourself to standing whenever you can. I'm really impressed with your balance and control; you can sit yourself down from standing up now with quite a finesse instead of just landing on your bottom! 

Bathtime is a bit traumatic at the moment. You are an absolute nightmare my boy! You insist on standing up, and then slip and slide around. Mummy and Daddy are quite nervous you're going to crack your head open before long. You are utterly unimpressed being plonked back down on your bottom every two seconds which makes you very shouty and cross at us! Goodness, you love the water but it is just easier at the moment to give you a quick shower in with me than muster the energy to wrestle with you for bathtime. 

You love to play now Zac. You watch your brother all day long and are so desperate to do whatever he can do! Even though he isn't very impressed that you keep bulldozing all of his toys, you and Xander do play so beautifully together too now. You've learnt to be part of a game - one of your favourite things is to follow Xander around the room -  you've been playing chase around armchairs, through the play tunnel, under the dining room table, even around the big loop of the house. You both think it is hysterical; you because you can follow your big brother and Xander because you are following him!  It is gorgeous to watch and really makes Mummy smile. 

This month your favourite toys have been the bead frame and a green stem from a 'flower construction' toy - you keep picking it up and taking it everywhere with you! You've also discovered books this month and love turning the pages and listening to stories at bedtime like Xander. 

On the day you turned 11 months old you learnt to clap and wave! All in one dinner time you started to wave back at everyone and then a few minutes later started clapping your hands too. How clever are you?! 

I thought this month would be the month I was going to be able to say that finally sleep had improved. There was a two week stint of an amazing only waking up once in the night, and dare I say it four nights of sleeping through (!) in a row (!). But it wasn't to last, a horrible tummy bug hit you and your brother and sleep has become an unpredictable affair again since. Oh well. At least you've shown me you can do it and while I wait for you to sleep a bit better again I'll enjoy those snuggly sleepy cuddles, complete with you insisting on tucking your hand into my top now to go to sleep too. 

You are busy busy busy and absolutely delightful my lovely baby small. I can't believe your next update will be your birthday! 

Thursday, 23 October 2014

And Then He Was Three

 Can you believe my rainbow baby is three?! 

The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of reflecting; Anabelle's 3rd birthday was such a traumatic time maybe that is why the run up to Alexander's 3rd birthday found me in quite emotional deep thought at times too. I've been thinking about how differently her birthday and Alexander's birthdays make me feel, I've been remembering how frightened, how desperate we were just before his birth three years ago; how we had spent the last four weeks not just fearful, but absolutely beside ourselves scared we would lose him too. Three years ago we were experiencing the most extreme range of emotions; fear to floods of tears relief when he screamed his first breath. We kept him, we bought him home, our beautiful boy. 

And now he is three. Three joyful years with our wonderful boy. 

Something about his third birthday feels big, unnerving almost. This is a year of (more) big changes for Xander, and for me. This year I'll have to loosen those apron strings a bit, as he starts his own little adventure into the big wide world more independently of me. This year he will start half day's nursery class at school. Come January there is every chance he'll be given his nursery place and in all honesty I'm not sure I feel ready for this to happen. He seems so grown up now yet still so small, still my baby. I'm nervous about handing him over for half a day every day. I'm having real issues accepting I have to trust new people in a new place to keep him safe for me. 

You see for me it is less about him being 'looked after' day to day and so much more about him being kept safe, kept alive and back home with me again. 

I know, I know I sound like one of those Mum's.  

But this big growing up, nearly starting nursery boy is three. 

Another six months on from my last update and another explosion of development. This has been a six months of parenting extremes; delighting and exasperating in equal measure at times. Toddler's have some pretty terrific mood swings don't they?! There is no denying parenting a toddler is hard work, full of tears and tantrums but also full of such unconditional love and adventure. 

I think the biggest developmental leap has to be Alexander's speech. At two and a half he was using mostly three word sentences... now? There is no stopping him! He can totally hold his own in a conversation now, with his own input, ideas, questions, answers. He can remember and tell you all about his days now and beginning to understand and remember what is coming in the future. Some days I'm totally blown away with how busy his little mind must be! I love how Xander is constantly exclaiming what he can see, noticing the little details in the world that I have long taken for granted, blurred into my world background; but not Xander. Car journey's are never dull now with my backseat observational commentary from him! 

His vocabulary is ever expanding too, but I'll be honest, I'm being slow to correct some of his cute 'baby' language, although I've noticed recently he's starting to self-correct some of this himself as the weeks go by. I will miss 'RaaRaa' for lion and 'Baabaa' for sheet,'Dunt' for Elephant and 'My' when he should be saying 'I'. He has the cutest saying's; "Xander it is time for bed" is nearly always met with "No, my not go bed, my waking up." along with "my do it" whenever he wants to be independent and you dare help him! 

We're still learning to be independent going to the toilet. It has been a tricky business, just as I had a feeling it might be. I can safely say I've found the whole toilet training experience the most stressful parenting experience so far! After an initially fantastic beginning in May (aged 2.7m), including 8 weeks being more or less completely dry, it all went completely downhill over the summer and we even ended up back in nappies full time for three weeks. In hindsight we shouldn't have attempted toilet training in the middle of chaotic living circumstances... but we're on the up again now! 

After three weeks in nappies Xander decided he wanted big boy pants again and for the last four weeks I've been trying incredibly hard to take a more relaxed approach and it seems to be working; will I ever learn? This boy has always shown me he can lead the way to growing up success yet still I get twitchy. A year ago it was twitchy about the dummy and bottle, now it is toilet training. For now he wears big boy pants at home and nursery and pull ups for busy out and about days and with the pressure off we've only had a handful of accidents these last few weeks. Go Xander! Now the next hurdle is getting him to take himself to the toilet instead of it being adult initiated visits. 

Alexander is such an empathetic affectionate little boy.  He understands what it means to feel happy and sad now and his concern for people if they're upset is just lovely. I'm sure he could teach some grown-ups a thing of two about sensitivity! He gives the best 'make you feel better' cuddles and hearing him say 'I love you, Mummy' is the best feeling. 

Alexander continues to amaze me every single day. He is funny, amusing, inquisitive, determined, a real sense of self now and beautifully loving and sensitive . We're so incredibly proud of our boy. 

My darling boy. Where do I even begin?! You've had such a busy six months, you've had some (more) pretty enormous changes thrown at you and even as I write this we're in the middle of continuing upheaval. 

We moved house, or at least we're trying too! On your third birthday we were 'in between' houses, we have been for four months now. In the middle of June we moved out of the house we bought you home to and for now we're living with Nana and Bampi, just while our new house is fixed. You know you have a new house, you keep telling us that it is very messy and that Daddy is fixing it. Even so, I'm sure you must be wondering if this elusive new house is ever going to really happen. (Mummy is, that is for sure!) 

Although outwardly you coped brilliantly with moving into Nana and Bampi's you certainly showed some signs of feeling somewhat insecure for a while; disrupted bedtimes, difficult nursery drop offs, outbursts of anger/frustration, a massive regression in toilet training. Because you visited Nana and Bampi's house three or four times a week your whole life I think Mummy underestimated how much moving in here would affect you. And you know what fixed it? Simply beginning to call here 'home' instead of 'Bampi's house'. You simply needed to know that you were home. 

You have a really discovered who you are this year. You know you are Xander Morgan now and will tell us who you are when we ask you what your big name is. You find X for Xander everywhere! I love you pointing it out to me, it makes Mummy smile. You have your own ideas now, your own very favourite things, your own voice, your own opinions and you make sure your verbalise it too! 

You know all your numbers to ten now, you love counting. Sometimes, if there is two of something you know there are two without counting. You are bright and clever. You are learning all of the time. This last six months you have learnt how to pedal a trike, how to climb in the playground; getting braver and more coordinated and balanced all of the time. You are beginning to learn how to play catch now too. 

Your favourite thing at the moment is definitely Peppa Pig. You were late to the party on that one my boy, whilst your peers have been all about Peppa the Pig for a while we had avoided it until we moved in with Nana and Bampi. But then you discovered NickJr, and of course with it discovered Peppa. At the moment you cannot get enough of Peppa Pig; everytime a new episode begins you exclaim excitedly 'Its on again Mummy!' I think you'll be pleased with our Christmas trip this year; hint hint! 

You still love your dinosaurs, and diggers. You have discovered many a feature length film since Frozen and we've enjoyed introducing you to the world of Disney! You've even had your first trip to the cinema with Daddy! 

But what makes me proudest of all is the sweet, sensitive, loving little boy you are. You are still such a fabulous big brother to Zac. He utterly adores you and squeals in delight whenever he sees you. My favourite time of the day is first thing in the morning, when you realise you haven't seen eachother all night. Zac is the person you want to say hello to as soon as he has woken up, you ask to hold him every morning and love being given the job of looking after him. I hope you will always be the best of friends. 

My favourite bit about your birthday was you understanding it was your birthday; it made it all the more special and exciting. A week before your party I asked you if you knew what was happening next Saturday, and to my absolute surprise you answered that it was your birthday. You have been completely excited about being a big boy and being three, you have been excited about your party, and most of all excited about your birthday cake! Hearing you burst into spontaneous 'Happy birthday' song to yourself has been adorable too. 

Mostly you are just such a happy child and that is what matters most of all, that you are happy. I hope you look back on your childhood and know how completely adored you were, how precious you were and always will be. You've given us three years of complete joy and we cannot wait to share your journey to four with you little man. 

Keep being completely you. We love you. 

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Zachary @ 10 Months

The baby small boy is 10 months old. Ten. Months.  How did he get to double figures already? 

Zachary has had an absolutely amazing month. He has had an incredible burst of physical development and he has changed so much. At my last update he had just started to commando crawl just a few days before; a fortnight later he started to crawl properly, the day after that he pulled himself to standing for the first time, and the day after that he started to cruise up and down the sofa! What a week that was; talk about a leap and a half hey?! 

Now a few weeks later again he is a speedy little thing and quite the escape artist. Zac certainly notices an open door or gate now and makes a bee-line for it for freedom! 

This month I've really started to notice him trying to exert his opinion on a situation; particularly not wanting to go into his carseat or buggy! I don't remember the arch of the back and shouting at me starting this quite so early on with Alexander! I think we're going to have a fire-cracker on our hands before long! 

My lovely wonderful boy, at 10 months old you weigh 20lb 8oz and have really discovered the joy of movement. You are such a clever boy! In just a space of three days you learnt to crawl on your hands and knees, stand up against the sofa and start cruising along it. You are so proud of yourself little one, and so excited to be able to stand up tall now. Already you are experimenting with your balance, letting one hand go of the sofa and turning yourself to the side. You are so desperate to be wherever Xander is, this month you've been crawling after him all the time so I think he will be in for a shock when you can properly chase him on those feet!

You love taking steps now holding our hands; you can walk across a room with us standing above you now, and will take a few steps towards us if we're holding your hands outstretched. I'm so impressed with your balance, you keep letting go of one of my hands wanting to do some of this standing business by yourself. I don't think it will be long before you're trying to let go of the other one too! 

This month you have started nursery on a Wednesday, and Mummy went back to work. Mummy has found it so hard leaving you and Xander again and the best part of my work days is getting home to my boys. But we have settled into a new weekly routine and you have settled so well at nursery, no tears at all. I'm so surprised because you are such a Mummy's boy and cry even if I leave the room at home, but you've been so good at nursery drop off; happily going to the ladies for a cuddle. You give such gorgeous cuddles ZacZac. You snuggle right in and rest your head on my shoulder or chest, you do love a cuddle, and so does Mummy. 

Finally your appetite seems to be picking up properly and your exploring so much more food. Every meal time we give you some finger food to feed yourself as well and you are doing fabulously well. Meal times have definitely become three courses rather than just the one! It must be all that moving you're doing now constantly burning all your calories off!  I've also decided you are right handed, as nearly all the time you'll reach for your food with your right hand (unlike your brother who mostly indicates he is left handed.) You're starting to eat 'family' foods roughly mashed up now rather than me puréeing, and lots of the time you're eating what we eat rather than me making you up a special baby meal. 

This month you have perfected a new little screech. It is totally adorable and you save it for when you are at your most excited. You are becoming more and more vocal, constantly babbling away to yourself - it will be so excited when those little babbles take on meaning and you find your first word. 

This month your favourite toys have been noisy rattles, toot toot cars, and the Noah animals. The Noah animals are the perfect size for grasping in your hands and at the moment you really enjoy the smaller toys that you can pick up and study for a bit longer - then chew! 

You make us happy every day baby small. We love you, always and always. 

Saturday, 4 October 2014

My World Got Bigger

"Because she died, my world got bigger..." Holby City 

Almost two weeks ago, it was my blog's birthday. I've been using this space as my organising chaotic thoughts screaming board, my journey and family diary for four years now.  I look back at my first post and although we're clearly in a very different place to where we were then the truth of it is so much of it still rings so very true.

'Me and myself  - we're different now.' I can't remember who I was, or what our lives were really like before Anabelle anymore. It takes so much energy to build a happy life around grief that my former self seems to be a distant memory. I continuously feel old before my time. Next year I will be 30, but in many ways it feels like the care-free youth of my twenties was stolen from me long ago. My twenties feel defined by Belle, because certainly her death, her birth has been the turning point for who I was, and who I am. 30 feels older than maybe it really is. 

Four years ago I could barely keep my head above water. There have been many times over these last four years, as the huge waves of grief roll in that I've had to fight drowning once more. I look back and I still cannot comprehend how we survived it, how we survive it. Human resilience is a wonderful thing.  

Four years ago we were so profoundly broken I couldn't imagine a life where we would ever be happy again. I couldn't believe we would have our very own personal rainbows. But we have our rainbows, and those rainbows saved me. 

Four years ago I couldn't imagine where our lives would be. Recently when watching Holby City a line caught my attention - 'Because she died my world got bigger' - it spoke to me. We've lost friends, but we've gained far more. We're part of a group of people that no-one wants to be part of but what a wonderful group of people they are. Even though we're not in those early days anymore, I'm increasingly thankful for my involvement in my local Sands. Four years ago I couldn't face 'real-life' support and increasingly lived in a virtual world, I frequented the Sands forum daily. Today I have a different virtual world and my local Sands is my branch of support. 

Rainbow Babies group in particular has been a wonderfully beneficial, because only those people know the mixed feelings, joy and pain of parenting earthlings while desperately desperately missing their sibling. Next week we're going out for a meal with other local bereaved parents for a Sands evening. Four years ago I didn't realise that I would consider a charity my friend. 

Because she died I've had opportunities that would never have happened if she'd lived. Namely my visit to Downing Street just before Zachary was born. Of course, I'd have Belle here over Downing Street any day, but I hope you see the point in the way it was intended. I was able to represent my daughter at one of the most iconic building in this country - and that is huge, one of my proudest moments for Anabelle, even in her absence. 

I read Still Standing online magazine regularly. Often I read about people describing their journey after loss as healing. Four years ago I couldn't comprehend 'healing', whatever that was.  Whatever it is. I'm still not sure. Four years ago I didn't even want to heal. To heal then felt to move away from Belle. Today I'm not sure what the concept feels like. I certainly don't feel 'healed', but I do feel in a different place to that of four years ago. Anabelle continues to be at the centre of our family, our little world has been built around our grief for her, we're leaning to live alongside it. We're learning to enjoy being an earthling family of four, when really we should be a family of five. We're learning to accept that we're allowed a happy extraordinary life as well as intensely hurt for the life we had taken away. 

This blog has evolved. It continues to evolve. I blog far less frequently than I used to because my life has become bigger, bigger and more than just my grief. I still grieve, of course I do. This month saw that milestone where Belle should have started school, it has pained me, this month I have felt more teary than I have in a while. I still frequently pen a blog in my head, when a new slither of hurt comes my way I think it out 'up there' as if I was penning it down here. But rarely do I find time to get it to page. My time is blessed and filled by rainbows and there is little of time left for me and organising those thoughts like I used to anymore. 

Is that the definition of healing? 

So today, if we're making my blog's fourth birthday, and where my journey is now; my life is filled with rainbows and you've no idea how overwhelmingly appreciative I am of that. Those boys, my boys. 

Life, Death, Joy, Heartbreak. But most of all love. 
Thursday, 4 September 2014

Zachary @ 9 Months

Well what a month! Of course it has flown by again, but Zachary really did have a busy little month growing up to be 9 months old. The end of July and beginning of August was a week of holidaying day trips from home, so he has been here there and everywhere this month. He has suffered terribly with teething; and just this week, just after turning 9 months old he has started commando crawling! 

The little man has been getting increasingly strong and adventurous. He reliably sits up upright and balanced now and securely lies himself down without us having to be close by in case he wobbles over and bumps. He has discovered the joy of standing up and has started to attempt to pull himself to standing. Mummy and everyone else make the best climbing frames but he is being brave and trying to use the sofa too, and the bath! It won't be long... 

Sleep? Well its probably best to not go there! There has been no improvement whatsoever! Clearly he is going to be one of those children who don't sleep through until they're 5 or something! Haha! Most days I've absolutely no idea how I'm functioning. It is surprising how you somehow adapt to broken sleep! 

My beautiful boy, you are now nine months old and weigh 20lb 1oz. You've lost a tiny bit of weight this month but I bet that is because you are a very active little baby now!  We've started phasing in your 9-12 month wardrobe,  mainly so you get some wear out of the summer clothes before the autumn arrives. They're huge on you at the moment, very long; it is such a jump in size this time, but hopefully that means they'll last you all the longer too! But you're still wearing lots of your 6-9 month clothes too.

Your first year is zooming by. It is unbelievable that another twelve weeks from now you will be having your happy birthday. We have booked your Dedication and birthday celebrations this month, so it will be a really special time, two celebrations at once. I really do wish time would slow down a little bit, so I could savour these baby days all the more. 

You are gorgeous, yes I'm biased, I am your Mummy, but you really are gorgeous. You have a cheeky little personality and take such delight in the world. You are so interactive now, and vocal. You laugh all of the time, you are so happy. Just today when Mummy and Daddy picked you up from your last settling in session at Nursery all the ladies looking after you were exclaiming how adorable and what a happy baby you are! 

Well, last month you were manoeuvring. This month you are REALLY manoeuvring! In the last few days, just around turning nine months old you have started to CRAWL! We're so proud of you baby small, and you are pleased as punch with yourself. Even in the three days you've been commando crawling you have improved loads and today I thought you were rather speedy! I don't think it will be long at all until you are crawling on your knees and then we'll all have to watch out!    

You really are into everything at the moment. Why is it, that with all of your toys around you that you seem to migrate to the nearest object you shouldn't be playing with? Xander's puzzles pieces, crayons and shoes seem to be your favourite items to try and play with at the moment!  

This month we have discovered just how ticklish you are, especially under your arms. Your favourite games have been singing 'Round and round the garden' and 'This little piggy' - as well banging the table/any surface with your hands or toys, banging your light up drum, and shaking your bell maraca rattle. Watching the change in your play is fascinating. You've definitely got the concept of cause and effect now and everything about your play has become so much more purposeful. 

Darling boy you've suffered long and hard with your teeth this last month. The little happy baby I just described disappeared for a week when it was at its worst. It has caused you no end of pain, unsettled and moaning during the day, screaming in the night, even more wakeful in the night and unsettled to go to bed. You HATED calpol (which surprised me when your brother thinks it is some sort of sweet treat!), so much so that forcing you to have some calpol would make you cry more for twenty minutes before it helped you. We've tried teething gels, and the much raved about teething powders, but for you Zac it has been ramping the pain relief up to teething Anbesol liquid that has finally helped you the most!  This is all new to Mummy, your brother breezed through teething with just the occasional smear of teething gel. 

But finally, finally, a week before you turned 9 months old your first little tooth popped through, and the second little tooth the next day! So two teeth at the same time, no wonder it has been so traumatic for you! 

This next month, growing up to be 10 months old is going to see changes again baby boy. Mummy is going back to work. I'm feeling very sad about it, I wish I could stay at home for as long as you so completely need me. I've loved being home with you and your big brother. You are completely Mummy's boy and I think this is going to be a month of separation anxiety for all of us, because Xander is going to feel it too! 

We're so blessed to have you baby small. 
Monday, 25 August 2014

Being A Duck

Do you ever feel like a duck? You know, floating serenely along on the surface whilst kicking furiously underneath. That's me. At least it feels like me a lot. 

I know, that for the most part I have this wonderful life with so much to be thankful for. The sort of life some people in this world would kill for, sell their right arm for, sell anything for; you get the picture. I know there are many people in this world who have it much harder than I do. 

I'm a duck floating around on top. I have a loving family, I have a wonderful loving husband, I have two precious incredible boys with me on earth, I have my home, (well soon, but in the meantime I still have a roof over my head,) my home is filled with love, joy and laughter. I have my job, with enough income to feel comfortable month to month. Materialistically, I don't want for much. 

But then there is this huge gulf, where I'm the duck kicking furiously underneath, where emotionally I want for a lot, maybe when I should be learning to handle it all differently. This one tiny person left such a void in her wake that is can't be filled and can't seem to be calmed. Anabelle's absense is so apparent in my everyday life, even when it isn't so apparent to everyone else. My heart continues to stab every day that she is not here with her brothers. 

Then I read this blog the other day. Living An Extraordinary Life After Loss. Inspiring. I wanted to relate to so much of it. I wanted to say I could get there too. 

But there is still so much I need to make peace with, but so much I'm not ready to make peace with either. So much I'm still not willing to accept. So much I still cannot let go of. So much I'm still not ready to explore, here on these pages. Sometimes I wonder if I've sentenced myself to feeling this hurt because part of me is stuck with her, in grief, in 2010. 

There seems to be two of myself. The myself that has such a happy life with what I have here, and the myself that hurts beyond hurt. Some days I feel guilty for hurting when I have so much joy. Some days I feel that I must be so ungrateful for not accepting what we have. Some days I feel guilty for all the joy despite all the hurt - how ridiculous does that sound on paper? And I do enjoy life, I enjoy every single thing I do with my boys, but sometimes I feel guilty for being happy 'without her'. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to feel grief all of the time that it is OK not to feel grief all of the time.  "I can still live an amazing life and love and miss him (her) at the same time." Thank you for affirming that Still Standing. 

This life after loss is exhausting. The waves keeps on crashing, the milestones keep on coming and I'm still learning to navigate. 

Next week Anabelle should have started school. That is a biggy. Starting school. 

This week I should be organising uniforms, buying last minute school shoes, socks and tights, matching bobbles and clips for her hair. I should be practising plaits and pigtails. We should be choosing new school bags and lunch boxes and fretting and being excited about my baby starting Reception. Instead I'm dreading a week of "My first day at school" photos on Facebook. Not because I begrudge anyone showing off their babies starting school, honestly, you all know me, and know I'll be right there with you on the photo front when the boys get there.  But because this time, this week my heart is heavy that my first-born isn't joining her should be friends at school, and I can't share her cute 'going to school in my new pinafore dress' photo too. 

There is still so much still to make peace with but I will have an extraordinary life.
Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Zachary @ 8 Months

At the grand old age of 8 months, 1 week and 2 days old its about time I wrote all about my baby small growing again. 

Well this month, Zachary has become a little mover! After mastering rolling last month, since then he has been trying so hard to crawl. He isn't crawling yet, but boy does he want to! Zac has his own little way of manoeuvring himself around with a weird stretch and push with feet action. He can rotate himself around on his tummy as quick as a flash using his arms and legs, he can push himself forwards (which sometimes involves pushing his face into the carpet!) and backwards with his feet and he's just beginning to attempt pushing up on his arms and knees - so who knows, crawling might not be far away. But for now, he is definitely manoeuvring! 

Sleep is mostly as broken as ever. A bottle with Daddy is normally followed by two gets up (or more) for Mummy. Teething has upset sleep patterns even more; and so we're officially more or less running on empty now and one very tired Mummy taking me half the morning to wake up enough to function. No idea how I'll ever get to work on time in September!  For now I've resigned myself to baby small not being a sleeper, and accepting that 'sleeping through' is a bit of a distant dream! I've also realised how spoilt we were with Xander being a 7-7 sleep kind of boy by eight months old! 

My darling boy, at eight months old you weigh in at 20lb 8oz. You're firmly becoming known as and called Zac, ZacZac or Baby Small by nearly everyone! Even Xander calls you ZacZac now! Your hair is slowly growing back, on top at least, and you have a fabulous mohican going on at the moment! My little dude.  You don't have any teeth yet but one isn't too far away. My poor boy you are suffering at the moment, you are so upset and I wish this first tooth would hurry up for you. If you find every tooth this painful it is going to be a long twenty teeth for you and Mummy! 

You are becoming very noisy and have really discovered your voice now; squealing, shouting and babbling. You get so excited now and let us know with all the sounds you can make! Your current favourite noises to make are little (but loud) squeals and brrr and a-buh noises. Of course Daddy is encouraging you to focus on your 'Da-da-da's but I think you should be working on 'Ma-ma-ma's - he got Daddy first last time, its definitely my turn you know! Xander is forever telling you to talk and you love gurgling to him. You also love shouting at him too; if he tells you off for playing with one of his toys you've started to tell him off back. It is clear to see you will be giving as good as you get before long! 

You never stay still for long now, you are desperate to get around the floor and a bit frustrated that you can't get what you want quick enough. But a moving baby equals a nightmare to get changed or dressed baby! Nappy changes and getting clothes on you is interesting now you are constantly trying to escape me! You still have little interest in standing just yet, collapsing your knees frequently but you still love bouncing time in your jumperoo, so I'm sure wanting to explore the world from an upright position won't be long! 

Your favourite toys this month have been your robot on your buggy, your linky rings and an bright orange monkey soft toy you were given at a birthday party recently. Although, that isn't to say you've not also loved exploring shoes or your brothers cardboard puzzle pieces! Mummy is forever rescuing you from something you shouldn't be playing with at the moment. It is much harder to keep things out of your reach than it was Xander! 

This month you've been enjoying baths with your big brother. You love lying down in the water and kicking your legs to make a splash. Between the two of you you manage to completely soak the bathroom, and Mummy! You can splash the water with your legs nearly as much as Xander can! 

You're not a fan of uninterupted sleep little man. I can't decide if you are genuinely hungry in the night or if you just like a cuddle with Mummy to check I'm still there! Its a good job you are so gorgeous ZacZac and that you give such lovely snuggly cuddles to make up for the number of times you wake Mummy up every night! At the moment you are exploring different positions to sleep in. You've taken to cwtching a muslin into you, rolling onto your side with your feet resting elevated on the cot bars - which isn't helping your wake ups; at least once a night we're going in to rescue a stuck leg from between the cot bars! 

Mostly at the moment you are Mummy's boy and only I will do.  You will cry and cry being held by someone else when you want me; then instantly calm and content as soon as I've picked you up again! I'll admit it can be completely overwhelming at times being the only one you want, especially if Xander wants me at the same time, and stressful hearing you scream unless you are in my arms but there is something really special about being your Mummy and even when I'm finding things stressful, deep down I love that you know I'm Mummy, and that you only want me to make you feel better. 

All too quickly these sleeping on and needing to be held by Mummy days will be few and far between, I wish I could hold you more baby small. I must try and make more time. 

But for now I'm going to try and get a little sleep. Before you call for me again for our sleepy rocking chair in the dark cuddles. Love you more than you could ever know, my little ZacZac. 

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Topsy Turvy

I'm having the sort of July that would normally tell me it is June. 

Last month I mostly felt numb. So busy in a craze of figuring out exactly what renovation the new house needed and preparing the old one for our tenant, I didn't have time to feel.  It passed by with but one moment of huge wobble on her birthday. 

But these last few weeks my moods are extreme; happy one moment, but then I've lost count of the rolling tears, strops, anger, impatience, worry, anxiety and worst of all panic.  

These months are back to front. Reaction delayed maybe. Stress maybe. 

It is clear heightened stress is not something I cope with well anymore. Was I always like this? I can't remember. The new house is crazy; the expense, the work we've decided to do, living at home again. It is all somewhat overwhelming. Things I should be able to take in my stride take me time to get my head around. I know I worry needlessly lots of time. I struggle when things are out of my control, and I guess this is all part of it too. A feeling of being out of control.

Delayed birthday grieving, heightened stress. 

It is time to pull it back together.

Maybe August will be my month for feeling on a more even keel again this year. 

Friday, 4 July 2014

Zachary @ 7 Months

My darling baby boy is another month older again. Time zooms on by. My return to work is looming on the horizon, albeit just one day before the summer break. So not really until September at all but already I'm dreading leaving both of my boys. Somehow feeling worse about the prospect than last time and really not wanting this maternity leave and precious time with my children to end. If only there was a magic wand to keep me at home hey. 

As well as feeling emotional about that I'm also feeling nervous about Zachary. Although getting much better at being left with other familiar people for the moment, he isn't at all ready for a whole day without me. He still breastfeeds 3-4 hourly and is much more reliant on milk than Alexander was at the same age.  This day in work the week after next will be 'interesting' to say the least and I'm just hoping he won't be too distressed until Jon can bring him to me in the lunch time and then when I get home late afternoon. I know things could quickly change by September as he gradually gets more established on food, but this one day before the summer break could be very tricky for him.  

Zac appears to be much more a milk monster than Xander. Xander LOVED his food when he was weaned, couldn't get it in quick enough, would scream for more inbetween mouthfuls, scream blue murder when the bowl was finished and his portion sizes grew at an alarming rate. In stark contrast Zac is taking to food very slowly. Only last week we introduced a third meal and portion sizes, although slowly growing, are very hit and miss. Some meals turn out to be just a taste, yet others can be a full bowlful! Just now, he'll still happily take Mummy milk over a meal. Infact quite often he'll start eating, get upset and food is abandoned. Food is very much something he can take or leave and isn't bothered when its gone... I'm sure that will change in good time!  But with Mummy milk still being his main form of nutrition a whole day away from me isn't the greatest prospect for him, or me, or Jon! 

But, with another month of atrocious sleep we have introduced a 'dream-feed' bottle. So, I suppose if all else failed Jon could see if he would take one in the daytime too. Yes, sleep still isn't great. With nights of Mummy up every two hours from 11pm becoming the regular occurrence, we needed to try something different. So although not hugely consistent, and Zac only wanting 2-4 fl.oz (compared to the 9 fl.oz Xander would down at the same age!) it seems to have somewhat helped.  The last week has seen only one or two wake ups - which is a vast improvement! 

It has been a month of big changes. Baby small now shares a room with his big brother instead of sleeping next to me, and everyone has moved into my parents house while our new house is renovated. Huge changes for such a little person! 

My beautiful boy, at seven months old your weight gain has slowed down and this month you are 19lb 6oz. You are such a delightful gorgeous little thing and Mummy is totally fascinated watching you play and explore. 

You are getting stronger and better at sitting up all of the time, and you are finally on the move! After spending so long being just a smidgen away from rolling over, you did it and now there is no stopping you! You are no longer a 'find you where I left you baby' and no sooner are we turning our backs you have zoomed across the entire room and getting up to mischief, usually getting your hands on something you shouldn't or trying to play with your big brothers toys; much to his disgust! Oh how he loves you Zachary, but he isn't afraid to tell you they are his toys and gives you one of yours to play with instead.  It is going to be interesting seeing how your little brotherly love relationship develops now you are getting into everything!

Your play is getting better all of the time. You are so much better at manipulating toys now, your fine motor skills are just emerging and you are learning to clumsily press buttons to make things sing to you or light up. You are starting to get cause and effect and remembering how to play with your toys, remembering what they do and what you like. It is such a joy watching you shake your rattle with such enthusiasm! You are so purposeful now. 

Your favourite toys are becoming everything and anything you can get your hands on, but you have a definite soft spot for your giraffe and elephant off the animal train Mummy and Daddy gave you for your half birthday, they make great clicky noises that you love!

You are such gorgeous company Zachary. You have a infectious little laugh and a wonderful little personality beginning to shine through.  

Such a beautiful happy baby boy and we all love you very much. 
Saturday, 28 June 2014

Her Birthday

Anabelle's birthday was stressful. Of course it was stressful, but this year, it was stressful

It felt like everything was against us. Time was against us. The house took over.  Jon went out in the morning to do jobs. The electrician decided to phone late that morning to announce off the cuff he was available that afternoon to do the safety certificates on the old house ready for the rental. So as we were leaving to decorate Anabelle's garden we ended up taking money down the old house ready to pay for the certificates. 

We got almost 1.00pm, we still hadn't been to her, and I proceeded to have a meltdown. It all got too much. It felt ruined. Topped off with her balloon popping and half the day gone and us just not getting anywhere. 

My irrational need to make the day 'just perfect' and full of things for her, when it can never be perfect. There wasn't enough time left to do everything I had wanted to do for her birthday, so her birthday walk got cancelled. It spiralled out of the control until I was shouting angrily at Jon in the car, with Xander getting upset in the back saying 'No Mummy' - not my finest hour by far. 

But it all came together. Just about. 

My favourite bit was eating KFC on a picnic blanket on top of her garden. Why have we never had a picnic up there before? It was a lovely way to spend time up there. We placed flowers, a candle,  a bird house and bird seed. We placed her huge number four balloon, the boys sent their sister balloons and listened to her new story there. Sleep Little Angel. 

We came home and created her home garden. Pink Dahlias, candles, windmills and gifts from our friends of a beautiful stepping stone and butterfly solar lights. 

We visited the new house and named it for her and placed the bell for Belle on our front wall. She is there before we are!

We had birthday cake and Xander blew out her four candles. We finished the day sat in the garden with my family, with her pink candle lit in her huge lantern. 

But despite all this I feel flat. I feel like this year her birthday hasn't been done justice, we didn't do it well enough for her, it has been and gone and now July is here. 

At the moment I feel like we're making a mess of things for all the children. 

Today was the day we buried her. And this is the first 28th since that we haven't marked the day in some way. Instead today, the 28th has been forgotten, worse, the boys have been neglected, Alexander left feeling unsettled and cross that we're not there enough at the moment and instead we've been frantically cleaning and readying our old house for our tenant and key handover on Tuesday. The house, houses, are taking over, and I'm beginning to resent the time it is taking me away from my children. And there is no end in sight. 

Tomorrow we desperately need some time altogether. For all our sakes.    

Sleep little angel, and I will sing, of summer and winter and autumn and spring.
Of stars and every quiet thing, of frost and primroses I will sing. 
Friday, 20 June 2014


This year I'm feeling kind of numb.

I'm struggling to formulate my thoughts or process my feelings. Instead of the violent tramatic reaction to her birthday and everything surrounding it like last year, this year I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure where I'm at. Tonight I feel a bit lost.

Disbelief maybe. Four years.

Last year was raw and painful. I suffered nightmares, images of my baby girl in that deep cold ground. Flashbacks vivid and real of those days. I suffered, I hurt. I got hurt. I lost some more.

This year I feel numb. I feel tearful, heavy and exhausted. But I feel numb. Like I've blocked it out somehow.

We are now just minutes away from my precious Anabelle's birthday.

This week has been busy. Too busy. We've moved, we've been out late every night packing, moving and cleaning. Burning the candle at both ends and up umpteen times a night with Zachary. There is too much going on. Too much bustle, not enough time for quiet reflection. No time left to feel. So instead there is mainly numbness.

This year I fear there may be a delayed reaction.
Monday, 16 June 2014

The Date That She Died

I never quite know how to respond to the date that Anabelle died. I don't want to mark it like I do her birthday, but I know it is coming. And it arrives, and it hangs over me all day like a black cloud, getting darker and darker through the day and sets off the storm for the week. 

It hangs there and the days of build up, and flashbacks to her birthday starts. 

My rational self knows that this date is not my fault. I know I had seen a midwife just twelve or so hours before Anabelle died, and the midwife told me we were ok. I listened to that, I used that appointment and a heartbeat monitor to reassure myself when I was worried in that evening. I know there isn't really anyone to blame. But when the date arrives, and these few days after it, it is really hard to shift the blame from my shoulders. 

Last Autumn my counsellor talked of the need to forgive myself. But I don't know how, or what it will take to forgive myself for this day. I'm not writing this to be reassured that isn't and wasn't my fault, because today, that is no comfort.   

It should have been different. I should've listened to those instincts that felt something wasn't quite right. I shouldn't have foolishly and falsely reassured myself. I shouldn't have talked myself out of going to the hospital until the morning.  I shouldn't have been worried about making a fuss. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, leaving it too late and letting her die.

I slept and my little girl died and I can't forgive myself for that. 

I know getting to the hospital earlier may not have changed the outcome. But it would have been her only chance to survive. It is the biggest thing I could have done differently to give my darling baby girl a chance. 

Today I've approached the date that she died by keeping busy. Too busy.  Feeling manic almost. Tonight I'm exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically.  Even though I don't want to mark this date, the events haunt me, the turmoil and memories, the longing for things to be different tortures me. 

It is always going to haunt me. My heart aches for her so much. 

I need to sleep.
Saturday, 14 June 2014

So We Are Moving

We didn't know it yet, but two days from now, four years ago we were about to be temporarily moving in with my parents while we navigated the death, birth and funeral of our baby daughter.  

Tomorrow, we're temporarily moving in with my parents again. The timing feels significant somehow. Somehow some sort of circle.

This time, we're moving in while we renovate what will be our new family home. We're moving. It has been a long time coming, and much needed move for the space factor, not to mention moving back to our home town. We're of course thrilled, but tonight, our last night sleeping here, the last night putting my babies to bed in their first home too, I'm feeling overwhelmingly sad too. This is the house where we moved in together, we got engaged here - actually here in this living room, Belle died in this living room while I slept on this sofa overnight, we've had our babies here and bought our rainbows home to here. All those milestones, memories, moments. Our lives have immeasurably changed in the seven years we have lived here.

And now, although we will still own it, this little house will become somebody else's home. A tenant is moving in in a few weeks and it is time for us to go and get the house ready for them. 

The new house we have bought will not be ready for some months. We were somewhat naive when we assessed the level of work that needed doing to it. We knew it was unkempt and dirty, we accounted for a fortnight of deep cleaning, decorating, and changing some floors; but, with a Vendor that made no effort to take their rubbish and many belongings with them, it has turned into more or less a full renovation as more grime and damage was discovered. So here we are; the night before the move to Mum and Dad's. 

The new house will be perfect. I'm excited about transforming it into our home, even if the task at hand seems never-ending and overwhelming just now. It will be just how I want it, and feels totally meant to be. Despite the dirt on viewing, and clearly not kept anywhere near to my standards, both of us were able to look beyond it. It had potential, it was a good size house on a great size plot, it is in a fabulous area with good schools for the boys. It just felt right. 

Then we realised it was number 21 on the street. Anabelle's number. 

This just confirmed to us that this was meant to be our house. We're moving to number 21, and it feels like our little girl is moving with the family; her number and her part in our new home. Perfect. So, next weekend, on her birthday it will be named in her honour. We're moving to number 21, and our home will be called "Mehefin" - welsh for June. 

Anabelle's birthday. 

Friday, 6 June 2014

Here We Go Then. June.

June the first arrived without much drama. I was feeling surprisingly calm and maybe ready to weather the coming storm. I have more than enough to keep me distracted this year; what with organising a full house renovation not to mention Alexander and Zachary. 

Then by Tuesday I was feeling out of sorts. Tuesday was not a good day in the Morgan household. I was grumpy Mummy. Zachary was grumpy. Xander was grumpy. It made for probably the worst day I've ever had with the children. I don't say that lightly. I had zero patience and it left me feeling horrible, sad and guilty. I didn't like myself by the end of Tuesday. It was a long day.  I should be more grateful than anyone that I get to be Mummy to those beautiful boys. The boys who are my world and more. But Tuesday I needed space, I needed sleep. Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed with everything and other than the house stuff I couldn't really put my finger on why. 

Wednesday, Thursday, today have been happier, back to normal Mummy days for the boys. But everything has felt more effort than usual; Everything is overwhelming. I'm struggling to concentrate. Getting us all up in the morning, dressed, out on time, fed, to bed on time. The routine this week has completely fallen apart and the boys are suffering for it. They need me to start pulling it back together.

Yesterday I realised why. It is June. 

It is June, and that is why just normal every day things are now feeling a monumental effort. 

It is June, and my baby girl is four, should be four this month. 

Ten days from now, four years ago, my darling daughter died. Another five days after that she was silently born. Another seven days after that we buried her. My Anabelle. 

It is June, and the 'foreverness' of that reality hits again. 

Subconsciously my mind and body have acknowledged the month, but its taken me the week to catch up and figure it out. Everything about this month is so hard, that even when I want to be better at it, my subconscious self cannot do it. My body already feels tired. Today my back aches, my arms are heavy. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary to feel achy; this is the physical manifestation of the utter grief and turmoil I know is to come as the next few weeks pass. 

So this week, and next week, the week after that, and the week after that. Please excuse me. Please accept that I may be over-sensitive, grumpy, impatient, even horrible. I will struggle, I will be teary, I will cease to cope in parts, I will be black, I will grieve as if she left me yesterday. I will re-live those dates again. 

A few weeks of upheaval are in store for our family. Not only are we going through the emotional upheaval that happens each June, this year we're also moving in with my parents over the next weeks while our new home is renovated. It is just unfortunate timing, rather than bad planning, that this is all happening at once. 

Please hold our hand and be our friend.  

And today, please remember beautiful Cerian, her Mummy, Daddy and her precious new little rainbow brother.  Wishing her a happy 4th birthday. 
Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Zachary @ 6 Months

My baby boy had his half birthday! He celebrated the day by having his first breakfast (baby banana porridge), having a new toy (the Fisher Price animal train) and a lovely afternoon spent at the boating lake having a walk and a little go on the swings, and then moving out of his moses basket into the travel cot. Oh how I wish time would slow down just a bit. This maternity leave is flying by, these baby days are flying by. 

This month I'm feeling pretty exhausted. After saying nights had improved, no sooner had I said it, then they deteriorated again.  A good night is currently two wake up; although three, even four wake ups are more usual. 

Up until his half birthday he was still in the Moses basket, (yes he did look ridiculous), the poor boy was fairly squashed, but with an imminent house move we expected to be sooner than it has happened (I'll do a post on this soon!), we were just trying to stretch him out in the moses without needing to build the cot, to then dismantle, move and build again. He had been happy enough in there until just after 5 months old, but the last few weeks he was spending much more of the night in bed with me, than he was in his moses.  So we admitted defeat, and have come up with the travel cot as a half measure for the next few weeks. 

We hoped the extra space in the travel cot would improve the night wakings, but no, it appears this boy is not going to be a 'sleep through the night' kind of baby anytime soon. Nevermind. The gorgeous boy he is makes up for all those difficult nights, even if I am pretty desperate for more than 2-3 hours sleep in a row now! 

My darling boy, you are half way to your birthday and I can hardly believe it, before I know it I will be planning that very special day for you. Your first year is going so fast my baby small. At six months old you are 18lb 4oz and have already been in your 6-9 month wardrobe for almost three weeks already! And your eyes have changed. They are beautiful dark blue, but in the middle there are little flecks of yellow and green now. Really beautiful.

So you're eating little one! Not very much but you're enjoying what you've had. I think you're going to be messier to wean than Xander - you are already much more eager to be holding the bowl and the spoon and giving this feeding thing a go yourself.  You've had a week of breakfast so far and this week we introduced tea as well but you really are only having very small portions at the moment. From the offset your brother wanted more and more food - crying when the bowl was finished, but you have started off more slowly - much happier being a milk monster than food monster just now. I'm sure this will change soon enough! 

 This month you've become very attached to Mummy. Not wanting me to be very far away, even when you are with Daddy. My little baby small - at the moment you really are Mama's boy! 

Well, when you're not being your brothers boy! You two are going to be as thick as thieves - you spend so much of your day unable to take your eyes off him. This month you have really discovered rough and tumble play together - lying on the floor and Xander will tickle your tummy, you will squeal and grab out at him, pulling his hand towards you, or pulling his hair or face. So he lies his head on your tummy which you think is just wonderful. 

You are getting stronger all of the time.  You are getting very good at sitting by yourself and having a good go at some sort of forward motion when you are on your tummy. If you could only co-ordinate yourself a bit more I'm sure you would be army crawling! You try so hard to push yourself forward by lifting your bottom and pushing your feet. You finally rolled little one - from your tummy to your back - but of course, every time I try to catch it on video at the moment you get grumpy and cross. After months of trying you still haven't *quite* managed to roll the other way - you are just a smidgen away from managing it. I can't believe how many times you have been practically there only to flop back onto your back! You are far too happy being stationary at the moment to worry about moving too far! You love lying on the floor to play and watching the world go by. I'm not complaining - I know there will be some real chaos when I have two mobile boys!  

This month we have discovered you are getting ticklish. It is very funny. Daddy has been tickling you just under your arm pits and your squirm and squeal and laugh. Just beautiful. We've also discovered you think Timmy Time on Cbeebies is very funny, you gurgle and laugh along to that too. You are just so fascinated with everything in life at the moment - this must be the best bit about being small; for you and Xander everything is a little adventure. I love that. 

Fiz has discovered you and insists on sitting next to you on the bed at every opportunity. You seem to love her soft fur and pull at it in clump-fulls. I think she secretly loves the attention you give her - although she would complain at such rough handling from anybody else!

Your favourite things at the moment are sucking and chewing on your fingers or muslins. And wet wipe packets - you love crinkly things at the moment, so wet wipe packets, your Ladybug are your favourite toys just now. Nappy changes are spent with you scrunching the wetwipe packets in your hand and your equally fascinated scrunching the Ladybugs wings. 

You really are becoming a little baby boy now, a wonderful little boy. 

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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