Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Being Earth Parents

Well it is next to impossible to keep up with my blog at the moment!  I'm snatching a few minutes now before Alexander's next feed; at the moment he is asleep on his Daddy.   

I can't believe our little boy is already two weeks old. Where has that time gone? 

There is so much we've learnt every day; about him, about us, about how life should've been with Anabelle. We've experienced how two weeks after birth should be, the gorgeous baby taking over the house, not their funeral to plan and live through. We're celebrating him.  Re-grieving these precious moments that were taken away from us with his sister. 

Our days at the moment seem to blur from one into another. At least once a day one of us will ask what day it is today, but there isn't a moment we would change. We're enjoying immersing ourselves into Alexander's world; doting on him, smitten, making sure he is learning how loved and precious he is. Being 'here on earth' parents. I don't think its truly sunk in yet that he came home. 

He is just so beautiful and content and wonderful; we're mesmerized daily and cannot believe this gorgeous little boy actually belongs to us. 

Wide eyed and starting to discover his world! 

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Xander's Birth Story

As everyone knows our birth story starts with a planned induction. After 36 weeks of pregnancy we’d reached the end of our sanity rope. Growing Alexander had been wonderful, but also very stressful and emotionally draining; 8 months of holding our breath waiting for the worst to happen but hoping, praying, for the best.

Our induction was in for the long ride again; although not as long as Anabelle!  Alexander only made us wait 3 days instead of 5!  It’s going to be a long read.

Tuesday 11th October

I arrived at the hospital and given an hour to settle in before being examined and starting the induction. Despite being 1cm dilated my cervix was still very unfavourable and quite far back.  I will admit I was a little disappointed after all the pre-labour symptoms I’d been having for weeks.  So they started the induction and I sat around waiting for things to happen.

In the meantime the baby-doctors from special baby care came to see me to have a chat about any potential problems that Xander might experience because he was being delivered 4 weeks prematurely.  I wanted to be fully informed of what to expect if he needed a little stay with SCBU and what the ‘usual’ problems they usually encountered with a 36 week baby. They assured me that they weren’t expecting him to need their help at all and that if he had any premmie issues they would probably be minor but that they would be present at his birth as a precaution.

About 12 hours later I started having quite nasty period pains and all the usual Braxton Hicks contractions but nothing that hadn’t already been happening for weeks previous.  I took some painkillers before going to bed and by 2am I was feeling fine again and got a good few hours sleep.

Wednesday 12th October

I woke up about 8am with nasty period pains again. I was examined again and was gutted to be told that there had been no change since yesterday morning; still only 1cm dilated and still far back.  I was given the next pessary and sat around waiting again.

Around 1pm I started having really bad pains that by 2pm had turned into contractions.  It appeared I was going into labour.  By 4pm the contractions were coming thick and fast and I didn’t know what to do with myself. This quickly turned into contractions overlapping each other; one was starting before the previous one had finished. Agony.

The midwife gave me some pethadine to try and ease the pain; it made me woozy which surprisingly helped me cope quite a lot!  I’d reacted badly to the pessary and my body was hyper-stimulating and almost going into labour too quickly.  

The doctors explained that this was dangerous for Alexander because neither of us were getting a rest in between contractions and potentially could cause a placental abruption.

I was taken to delivery suite, not to have my baby but to have some 1:1 care and be given a drug to stop the contractions and stop the induction.  

As relieved as I was to get rid of the intense pain I was really disappointed that things had started only to have to be stopped again. The consultant said she didn’t want to give me another pessary and that she would examine me in the morning to try and break my waters, or failing that make a plan.

After a few hours recovering and being observed down in delivery suite I was taken back upstairs to the wards to have some sleep.   I didn’t have any more pain other than period pains all nights and by morning was feeling really despondent.

Thursday 13th October

Consultant came to examine me at 8.45am and I fully expected her to tell me there had been no change again.  However, I was very pleased when she said I was 2cm dilated now and although it would be ‘tricky’ but she reckoned she’d be able to break my waters and then after a few hours put me on a drip to really get my contractions going again but in a more controlled way. Cue me being moved very quickly downstairs to delivery suite again. I phoned Jon at 9.00 after the examination, who was already in work, to come in.  He works in Cardiff which is about an hour away from the hospital.  (Driving within the speed limit anyway!)

When I was induced with Belle it was breaking my waters that really got things going, and she arrived 5 hours later, so I was fully expecting the same or similar to happen again.

I thought they would wait until Jon got there, but at 9.30am the consultant broke my waters while I was on my own. As last time I had contractions more or less straight away, still on my own and feeling a bit panicky that Jon wasn’t there holding my hand.  By the time Jon arrived I had started on the gas and air and got into a lovely warm bath to help. 

Unlike my last labour; although the contractions had started they weren’t as intense as soon as my waters were broken this time. At this point they were averaging 5-6 minutes apart so we were encouraged to go for a walk before I was put on the drip at 11:30am.

So we went for a walk and on our return at 11:30am I was told I was now 4cm dilated. Things were moving in the right direction! I was put on the drip which really geared things up; the pain suddenly got far more intense, contractions far more regular and I was grabbing at the gas and air!  At this point I think I was coping really well.

At around 1:30pm I was examined again and was now 6cm dilated. All the while the drip was increased at regular intervals to keep encouraging the contractions along. I remember things getting a lot more painful from here on in as the drip was turned up.  Around 3pm I had a pethadine injection which did very little at all and when I was examined again at 4:30pm and told I was still only 6cm dilated I had a big not-coping wobble and asked for an epidural.

We were now 7 hours into labour. I know each labour is different, but after delivering Anabelle in 5 hours and always being told subsequent labours were ‘easier and quicker’ I was feeling very emotional and desperate to have Alexander out soon by this point.

The epidural was a feat and a half. It appears I have a difficult spine to work with.

The anaesthetist arrived and spent 10 or so minutes going through all the risks with me and saying he couldn’t start until he was sure I understood. Now I know this is protocol but I was in full blown labour, having contractions every 2 minutes and really not in a fit state to be listening to him; and all the while wishing he would just get on with it to give me a break from the pain.

Anyway, he had two unsuccessful attempts at positioning the epidural and called for his senior colleague to have go.

Senior colleague has a go and manages to position the epidural but not at brilliantly has he would have hoped. He explains he is unsure how effective it was going to be.  It actually was very effective; but only for short bursts.   For an hour or so I was feeling so much better; still aware of the contractions, but they were now almost painless. For a little while I felt much more able to cope again and re-acquired the calm environment I wanted for my sons birth. 

Unfortunately it wasn’t to last. The epidural wore off as quickly as it had worked. It seemed it was either all or nothing. Over the coming hours it was topped up twice, until at 9.30pm I was examined again and told I was fully dilated and would be ready to push any minute.  They were reluctant to top up the epidural again because they wanted me to be able to feel when I needed to push to avoid an instrumental delivery.

So I started pushing. And pushing. And pushing. For over 2 hours. Alexander wasn’t coming and I was exhausted.

Midnight and Friday 14th October arrived and I was reaching the end of anything I could cope with anymore.  I think I actually reached emotional meltdown levels, to the point where I was begging them to help me.  And help they did, but only after Jon forcefully putting his foot down, saying enough was enough and that I was finished and beyond exhausted and it was time to get our baby out before my distress became his distress too.

I don’t understand why they were initially reluctant to intervene but after another examination which showed Xander hadn’t actually moved any further down into my pelvis despite all my pushing efforts the Doctor agreed that they would be unable to perform an instrumental delivery and arranged an emergency c-section.

Because of the ineffective epidural I had to have more needles in my back to give me a spinal block and off we went to theatre. I was feeling frightened of the surgery but relieved all in one go and I couldn’t believe how many people were in the room!

And then there he was: Alexander Jon Morgan came SCREAMING into the world at 00:45 on Friday 14th October 2011. Weighing a very healthy 8lb 13oz and 57cm long! (Whopping for 36 weeks!) 

It really was the most beautiful sound we’d ever heard and I instantly started sobbing,  before I’d even seen him, completely relieved because he was alive.   The midwife showed him to us and then he was taken to side room for the paediatrician to check him over with Jon.  They let Jon trim the cord and then Xander had cuddles with his Daddy for 20 minutes while I was being stitched back up.  

As soon as I was in the recovery room we had lovely skin-to-skin cuddles and we took every bit of him in. Amazed by the amount of hair he has and just how much he looks like his big sister.
Labour recorded at 15 hours and 15 minutes.

It wasn’t the birth I was expecting; after Anabelle I really did think I would be able to push Alexander out too. But it really doesn't matter to me that he ended up being a 'sunroof' baby - he's here in my arms and that is the only thing that ever really mattered.  The de-brief about the c-section with consultant told me that his position wasn’t great and that is why despite me pushing with all my might he wasn’t moving. She also thinks he was possibly too big for me.  I dread to think how heavy he would’ve been by 40 weeks!!

Since his birthday...

Me - I must be honest; I don’t think I’ve ever felt as poorly as I did in the 4 days after his birth.  The trauma of Wednesday and Thursday, a full labour and over 2 hours pushing plus a big operation completely took its toll.  I seemed to be recovering very slowly compared to other women on the ward who had had sections as well. 

I became very anaemic and it has only really been parts of yesterday and today now the iron tablets are kicking in that I’ve started to feel normal in myself again. Obviously I’m still very sore from the operation but that is to be expected and coping well now when the painkillers are working!  

It was hugely frustrating not being able to get to Xander when he needed me in hospital as I was bed bound until the Saturday morning; and even when I was able to get out of bed the amount of pain I was in moving around and feeling so faint all the time made caring for him very difficult.  Feeling so much better now are home and Jon is looking after us both.

Alexander -  has had some of the minor premmie problems the baby-doctors had discussed with me on Tuesday. My poor little man struggled with maintaining his temperature, blood sugars and is being slow to take to feeding due to a bit of an under-developed suckle. The paediatricians prescribed him formula top-ups while we were in hospital because he just wasn’t taking any milk down. Now we are home we are trying our very best to get to grips with breast-feeding. 

Xander also has jaundice and had to spend 18 hours under the UV phototherapy lamps. (Midwives still keeping an eye on this now we’re home as he is still a little bit on the yellow side.) Of course he wasn’t very impressed because it meant he was having very little contact with us as he was only allowed to come out for feeds and nappy changes. It was horrible for Jon and me too. 

All in all Alexander has been a very brave boy though; his little heels are covered in puncture marks from all the blood tests he has had to have in his first week of life.   He now weighs 8lb 4oz at his last weigh in on Wednesday so we’re really hoping we can get feeding established now to get him on the up again.

We came home on the 18th October and walking out of hospital with him really was one of the best moments of our entire lives. A total wow moment of ‘yes we’re bringing our baby home this time’

Jon and I are just completely smitten by him. I love watching Jon with his baby boy; he is just so proud and full of love!  Makes me all gooey seeing my two boys together and Alexander is blissfully unaware how precious he is to us both.

Yes we’re completely shattered, of course this beautiful newborn time is stirring up lots of painful emotions and missing Anabelle on a whole new level, yes we’re already getting fairly sleep deprived and have lost all ability to manage our time; but there isn’t a single thing we would change about finally being a ‘here on earth’ Mummy and Daddy.

Our dreams for Xander came true and we’re loving every minute. 

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Our Miracle

I realised then that a child who makes it into this world is indeed a miracle and has perhaps performed the greatest feat of his or her lifetime just by growing into a complete human being in nine months and being born without mishap.   Marilyn Hilton

So proud, excited and overwhelmed to introduce our beautiful boy; Alexander Jon. 

Born 14th October 2011 at 00:45 and weighing 8lb 13oz. 

The image of his sister and just completely perfect. Birth story will follow soon! 

Monday, 10 October 2011

Now for Tomorrow

Today I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Impatient; wanting it to already be Christmas Day today.

I feel unsettled and anxious. It's only 10:20am and I'm really obsessing about Alexander's movements today; scared I suppose that now, in the final hours he'll be taken away from me. Of course he has to survive induction and labour yet too; and then I know I'll worry about SIDS. The initial relief is going to be enormous, but already I'm worrying about the next scenarios of possibilities where he might not survive. Maybe worrying he'll be taken away is going to live with us forever, its a feeling I'm not sure I know how to shift.

This time tomorrow I'll be on the ward, the induction process will be beginning. His journey into the outside world will start. No-one knows how long it will take, but we'll be on our way.  Its all been explained to me, the process is different to what I experienced last time, but I'm hoping everything will be different to what we experienced last time.

Today I suppose I should put together some sort of birth plan; our preferences and what not. I don't really know what to put into it though, when the only thing that matters is "get him out alive".    Drugs, pain relief, intervention are all inconsequential unless our ultimate goal of a screaming baby is not realised. I don't care what happens to me; only him.

I'm not feeling scared of labour this time; I was terrified with Anabelle, it was all being thrown on me eight weeks earlier than we'd mentally prepared ourselves for, we were in shock, our daugther was dead, we didn't know what to expect. But now I'm so ready to do it. I'm not scared because whatever we experience now it cannot be any worse or traumatic than labouring knowing we couldn't keep our baby girl at the end.

I realised last week that our journey to create our family started two years ago.

Not long after we were married and trying for our first baby. The baby that would be Anabelle. November 2009 and her little being and life began, thinking our dreams have been realised but then being shattered and lives broken.  Here we are, almost two years later and about to meet our second child; but still we haven't realised our dream of being a family at home.

We are so close now; so close, yet it still feels so far.

These next few days mean the absolute world to us. We're pinning everything on them for our happy ending for Alexander.  A 'happy' ending that can open a whole new chapter and world to us, but can never erase the pain of living without Anabelle. Even now we're acutely aware we should be, we are, a family of four, but not all at the same time.  Aware that we can never be complete. I think I've still a long way to go until I can deal with that.

Two years is a long time. We've waited with excitement, broken hearts and now fear to have and keep our baby. Are we ready? We should be.

The reality though is we've been so focussed on just getting to the point of bringing him home that neither of us have an absolute clue what to do when he gets here. We haven't really thought beyond what happens when we bring him through our front door.  Now, hopefully, we have to learn how to be earth parents.

I hope that my next post is the happy birth announcement of our newest family member. Our fairytale ending for Alexander.

Our miracle.
Sunday, 9 October 2011

A, Z and Middle Letters

Why have I been up and awake since 6.00am this morning? I guess partly because that is when Jon disturbed me by coming to bed (he'd fallen asleep on the sofa earlier on in the night). Maybe it is anticipation for the hugeness of this week. Maybe its because I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable over the last few days. 

Friday night saw me back in hospital overnight again. The Doctor decided to be over-cautious with me; really I felt fine. I'd gone in as normal for my daily monitoring. Nothing has really changed since I've been discharged. Each day I've gone up; there have been evidence of tightenings, pre-labour symptoms but nothing hugely significant, the hospital continuously saying I have the potential to go on my own before induction day. Anyway,  the only thing that really matters on these traces is that our boy is happy. 

Friday the midwife who was looking after us was concerned that the frequency of the tightenings had increased slightly, even though they were not really bothering me any more than they had been since I was discharged. I'd become accustomed to the mild period type pain that accompanies them now and all the other little niggles. 

However the midwife decided that the Doctor needed to examine me before she could allow me to go home, just incase I was on the verge of a real labour.  The Doctor examined me and sometime over the last week or so it appears my cervix has started to dilate, after being tightly shut when I was on the ward. 

Only to 1cm - don't get too excited, there is no imminent labour or birth. But it was enough for the Doctor to decide to keep me in overnight for observation just incase things progressed further. 

The only thing that has progressed is the level of pain, Nothing like an examination to aggravate things and encourage things along I suppose. The mild period pain has increased to moderate, there more than its not, joined by an awful lower back ache that seems to radiate around my entire lower torso.

Although we're on a slow burner it appears; for all the hospitals thoughts of potential we'll be hanging on until at least Tuesday and my induction to nudge me over into something real I'm sure! Hopefully though, all this aggravation and start of dilation will make for a quick induction; but then anything is quick compared to the five days Anabelle made me wait after hers! 

Positive thoughts; 1cm down means only 9cm to go...

Anyway, as I was awake and pondering I thought a quiz to pass the time was in order; because of course I'm sure the A-Z of me is particularly interesting! Indulge me. 

ANORAK…Do you have a sad side?   As in collect anything or have geek like tendencies? No. My husband has enough geek in him for the both of us. Currently the obsession is Lego Technic and his up and coming new iphone!   I suppose my sad side is my obsession with organisation and planning. I NEED things to be done and ready; as evidenced by being very particular about the way paperwork is done in work and the blinkered focus on getting this house ready for our baby. I cannot relax until some things are done in a particular way.  Jon says I bite into things and will not let go until its finished! 

BODY…What physical attribute would you most like to change?  Ask me again 6 months plus post-birth! It'll be a more accurate answer! 

CELEBRITY…Which one would you most like to date and why?  Oh I don't know about date, but currently finding Gary Barlow quite pleasing on the eye during the tiny bits of X-Factor we're bothering to watch.  Can't get into XF this year. Strictly Come Dancing on the other hand is Autumnal indulgence!  

DEBUT …Tell us about your first ever blog post. What made you start blogging? The death of our little girl. Reaching a point of total collapse, out of the shock and into the big black hole of reality. Discovered blogging and writing has since become my tool of figuring out and piecing together my thoughts. Post One: Life 

ERROR …What’s been your biggest regret?  The decision that made me wait and see how things were in the morning before I contacted the hospital regarding Anabelle's reduced movements. My little girl died overnight. If I'd made a better decision maybe she would've been saved. My forever guilt. 

FUNNY – who’s making you laugh? Right now? Fiz, nutter-cat running around the house routine. Anything to get my attention, she wants to be fed. Very adorable! I doubt anyone else but Jon or I find this very funny though! 

GRAND…If we gave you one right now what would you spend it on?  How sad is it that I can't think of a single thing I would want to buy right now?! When I have a house big enough for one I would probably put it towards the beautiful ivory white upright piano that I'd love. 

HOLIDAY… What’s your favourite destination?   I've not visited many places in the world really but my favourite holidays have been Ireland, Isle of White, Lake District and our honeymoon in St Lucia. Beautiful. All on my list of places to go again. 

IRRITATE… What’s your most annoying habit?  Jon would probably say making a mess of the toothpaste. His on the other hand is leaving dirty socks all around my living room wherever he feels like taking them off! 

JOKER…Whats your favourite joke {the one that makes you laugh everytime you hear it}?  I'm rubbish at jokes. I so often just do not get it. 

KENNEL… Do you have any pets?  My fur-baby Fiz. 

LOVE…Are you single, married, engaged, living with a long term partner?  Married. 2 years and 2 months. 

MEAL… Whats your ultimate starter, main and dessert?   Starter: Potato Shells filled with Bacon and Chesse and a sour cream dip.  Main: Steak - medium rare. (oh how I look forward to one of these post-birth!). Dessert: hmmm haven't got a favourite dessert as such; usually whatever takes my fancy off the menu. 

NOW…If you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with?  The hospital, with Jon, in labour already! 

OFF DUTY…What do you do in your spare time?  Blog, Facebook, Babs, Mumsnet.  The virtual world is my down-time. I can only imagine how much that might be changing soon!  Spare time becomes constant Mummy nap-time yes?! 

PROUD MOMENTS …What are you most proud of?  Cliche I know but my beautiful babies. I am completely in awe that they are both part of Jon and I. How can the two most beautiful little people belong to us? I remember holding Anabelle and being totally mesmerised that she was my baby. Its a feeling I cannot put into words, and ok I haven't met Alexander quite yet, but I just keep looking at his 3D scan and thinking wow. 

QUEASY …What turns your stomach?  Currently blood. Don't know what's wrong with me, but at the moment the sight of blood is making be a little bit queasy. Its a new thing and I can only hope pregnancy related! 
RELAX…How do you relax?  Sofa and laptop usually! A bit of telly and the odd bubble bath thrown in for good measure! 

SONG…Whats your favourite song of all time?  Because of the memories, our wedding song; Greatest Day by Take That. Mushy I know, but every time I hear it I get goosebumps. I love the first chord of a pieece of music can do that.  

TIME …If you could go back in time and relive it again, when would you choose?  Uni. I'd love to scrap year 2 and do it all again. This time with no-one hurting me enough to nearly make me quit and having the foresight to have stayed away in the place. I so wasted year 2 being broken-hearted, ill and needing a lot of looking after. Without my Mum and the boys (with their mashed potato, cod and peas)  I wouldn't be a teacher today. 

UNKNOWN…Tell us something about yourself that no one else knows?  um... I'm trying to think about something that no-one else knows. I'm quite heart of my sleeve, not many secrets here. 

VOCAL…. Who is your favourite artist?  Don't know about favourite but currently admiring Lady Gaga. I think she is very talented and a great show woman. I may not love all her music, but its refreshing when artists are able to write for themselves and have such imagination. I'd love to see her live.   Makes XF and everything rolling off there year after year look more and more like "professional karoke singers" as Jon likes to call them! 

WORK….. What is your dream job, and are you doing it now?  Being a Mummy. I'm so nearly there. My life aspirations were a very traditional; be a good wife, mother and teacher. I hope I am.  

XRAY…Any broken bones? Not sure if it actually broke, but my wedding finger got crushed in a door the day my sister was born. It still has a little lump on it now. I remember sitting in A&E and it being strapped up for a few weeks! 

YIKES…What’s been your most embarrassing moment?  I obviously haven't been embarrassed enough because I can't think of a single thing that really matters in the greater scheme of things.  How about this story. Although I can hardly call it my most embarrassing moment!

I remember being about 6. It was a rainy day and my Mum had sent me off to school in welly-boots and my raincoat so I could splash in the puddles. A dinner lady on the other hand took great offence to splashing in the puddles with welly-boots on and I had a big telling off and was made to go and stand by the wall for the rest of playtime.  That was 'embarrassing' and upsetting at the time, mainly confusing. Mum had told me to wear welly-boots and enjoy the puddles... I didn't understand what the dinner ladies problem was. It is the one time being in trouble as school that has stayed with me since!     

Obviously the Foundation Phase and opportunities to explore the outdoor learning environment were not the buzz at the time! Funny how we actively take children out to splash in puddles now if appropriately dressed! My Mum must've been forward thinking or something, but puddles must've been considered bad news in school in 1991! 

ZOO…. If you were an animal, which one would you be?  A cat. They seem to have a good life of copious amount of sleep, food and fuss! 
Thursday, 6 October 2011

Five Days...

... that is all there is to go before I'm re-admitted to hospital; this time to start our induction and meeting our little boy. 

Two weeks ago when I was still in hospital it all seemed so far away, a still unachievable dream. Now, there is five days to go and all I can see is a long list of things I still want to get done before Alexander starts his journey to the outside world! 

Preparing our home for Alexander has been tough. It has been bittersweet; awfully painful, wonderful.  

Everything as always split down the middle in two; experiencing two vast ends of the spectrum of emotion.

Weeks ago I made myself pack away all my baby girls clothes, her world of pink put into boxes and put into our roof, last week I watched as my children's nursery became blue. I hurt as the pink walls were painted over; traces of our daughter's existence being rollered away.  But then, I saw it finished for our boy and its just as beautiful for him as it was for Anabelle. This time all our baby furniture has been built and the nursery transformed into a beautiful baby dwelling, rather than the boxed furniture that has lived in there for so long. We've put all our efforts into making it just right; the nursery having a place for them both.   

Give me a few days for a few more finishing touches and I'll share photographs of his, their, little room. 

I've washed itty-bitty baby clothes again; and this time they've reached designated hospital bags, drawers and wardrobes. They reached beyond the washing line.  I've chosen coming home outfits again and lovingly picked out the sleepsuits and baby-gros I want Alexander to wear first. 

I've been nesting galore; a woman possessed. Absolutely focussed on making sure his home is just perfect for him when he first arrives in it. We are nearly there, the end of my list is almost in sight. Who knew a tiny baby could create so much chaos?! 

So we're actually on the home-stretch now.  Do we feel any less anxious. No. We're still acutely aware that our dreams could be ripped away from us, again, even at the last minute. But we are daring to believe. 

I really never believed I could ever be this pregnant, yet here I am 35+2 and nearly there. Well nearly there for me. I realise he is being born very early in comparison to most babies. I know many people do not agree with or like the idea of inductions and intervention. I've never personally understood the resistance myself, even before we lost Anabelle, but I'm more than thankful that this option is open to us. 

I know that the main reason for our induction next Tuesday is mainly concern for my mental health. 

The medics are confident he is a happy healthy baby inside; there is no reason why he wouldn't remain so for another few weeks. But there was no reason why Anabelle couldn't either, remember she was deemed happy and healthy a week before she died. Everything could change so quickly without warning; and we've gone as far as we mentally can with coping with the constant worry and fear. Of course we're anxious for our boy to born, alive and well, as soon as possible now, and I'm thankful that our consultant completely understands and supports us in this; putting in place the necessary precautions for me, for us and for Xander.  

We're at that point of staying sane vs. going crazy. 

5 sleeps. 
Sunday, 2 October 2011


Our baby girl died. Our baby girl has a name. Her name is Anabelle Violet. She was born on 21st June 2010. She was, she is, a much loved and wanted daughter, niece and granddaughter. Our baby was 1 of 17 babies that died that day in the UK. 

This month is October, October is pregnancy and babyloss awareness month. Please help raise awareness by sharing our reality, breaking the taboo, learning about the work that Sands do and by joining in this years "Wave of Light" and lighting a candle on the 15th October. 

Please remember the so many angel babies like Anabelle. 

Seventeen babies will die today
Thirty-four parents filled with despair
But, will anyone even notice
Will anyone even care

One hundred and nineteen babies will be born still this week
Or die within four weeks of birth
Does anyone who's not a grieving parent
Appreciate these babies worth

Countless more will die
Whilst nestling in mother's womb
But they won't quite make 24 weeks
Not important it's assumed

We've asked for media coverage
To highlight this tragedy
Do we feel we've been listened to
Well not if you ask me

We've been met with a wall of silence
A child's death is such a taboo
But would you keep the silence
If this tragedy happened to you

We're asking for a voice
So other's know they're not alone
Not asking for much you may think to yourself
But apparently that's not so

In asking to be heard
We've asked for way too much
Making people feel uncomfortable
Best to stay out of touch

So as a grieving mother
Into a corner I should retreat
Keep my grieving to my self
I should know when I am beat

But NO, we won't just go away
Our babies deserve so much more
We'll keep on fighting for awareness
For this very important cause

And if we make you feel uncomfortable
So be it, we make no apology
Grieving our children isn't wrong
We'll grieve for eternity

So come on world, please back us up
Don't let child loss remain taboo
For one day you may be affected
That grieving parent, could be you!

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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