Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

June. June Again.

Here we are again. 

June. 

Those days. 

Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks. The entire day I felt like I was wading through treacle and then come 7.00pm I couldn't keep my eyes open to put the baby to bed. I was asleep before Lucas was.  

I wasn't just tired, I was utterly exhausted. 

Today has been better. After a wobbly start my nerves eventually calmed and an afternoon in the sun with friends helped. Energy levels have been better. I'm still awake which is an improvement on yesterday after all! 

But it has been the theme of June so far.  For more reasons than even a 'normal' June. Exhaustion. Not 'the baby has had a bad night' exhaustion, but 'grief is here' exhaustion. My body feels so heavy. 

June.

Going through the motions but not really feeling quite all there. 

Even though I spent the yesterday 'carrying on', in work and directing lessons; my body physically was letting me know what the date was, even if I was trying to ignore it.  It is like an involuntary response. 

The day she died.  Knowing hour by hour what was happening seven years ago, life spiralling out of control and obliterating. The pivotal moment when my life changed irreparably forever. 

And I re-live it, and remember. I remember what it felt like to still be pregnant but my baby had died. Even now, seven years later, that blows my mind! She was dead inside me and I just had to wait and wait for an intense induction to work. Five whole days.  

These five whole limbo days. 

Is it any wonder I remain feeling so traumatised this time of year? 

Its as if delayed reality sinks in again and again. 

And it makes me an impatient mother, a crappy wife and crappy daughter.   I feel like I've done nothing but snap and get on at the boys for the last few weeks, my tolerance level for anything but toeing the line is low. And it isn't fair on them and I know I need to be better. I hear myself snapping and barking over such small things and I hate it. Hate it, but can't seem to stop myself doing it. Reacting before I'm thinking. 

Wondering if they're starting to hate me a little bit when Alexander has cried that he just wants Nana at the moment... oh and has called me 'Mean Mummy' on more than one occasion in the last few days too. That isn't to say his behaviour isn't pushing boundaries all the time too at the moment, he is absolutely trying to be a law unto himself frequently every day, but he is going to remember. He is old enough to remember when I was horrible now.  

Urgh. Well done Mummy,  hey. 

Old enough to remember but probably cannot yet understand why. And certainly cannot distinguish between justified tellings off for his poor behaviour or the times when I was less tolerant than I should be.  Cannot correlate time of year with Mummy's behaviour. Maybe I need to try and explain its nearly Belle's birthday and it makes Mummy tired and grumpy and sad. 

Not that is should ever be an excuse for me behaving poorly towards them either.

Somehow I need to start getting better at June. Someone please tell me how. 

I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day. I'll try again tomorrow. 

But Father's Day is tomorrow and not a thing has been bought, for my husband or my Dad. And even knowing Jon largely still wishes to ignore Father's Day, knows that he gets 'extra' stuff is just all too much this time of year, still I feel rubbish that I haven't even attempted to pull it out of the bag tomorrow. 

Everyone and everything is irritating me.  Everything feels a massive effort. Patience is short. Anxiety is sky-high. 

Needing to just be. 

Four days to Anabelle's birthday. Two weeks until July. 


Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Zachy Small @ Three Plus Half

In a month where there always seems to be so much to say and process, I want to start with this beautiful little boy. 

My Small. My middle son. Sometimes the one I worry about the most. Oh so sensitive in so many ways but my little wild one too! I can't believe he is three and a half already, that he has already been in Nursery class at school for a term and a half. These months are flying by. 

He's seeming so big now, but still so Small all at the same time. Still my baby.   Not that he would allow me to say that of course, because you know, he is NOT a baby, he is a BIG BOY. 

So much has changed in six months, but in others ways very little has changed at all. 


My beautiful Zachy Small. You are now three and a half! You were so super excited on your half birthday, absolutely thrilled that you got a present and that just by chance I came home with half a birthday cake on your half birthday too. You went around telling everyone that weekend that it was your birthday and that you were three and a half. Oh how lovely to be an age where the half is so important! 

At three and a half you are still a little one. You've grown only one centimeter since your birthday and only put on one pound. Making you a grand total of approximately 90cm tall now and 29lb heavy! You still have a few trousers you wear of 18-24m, but on the whole you are now in your (mostly sizable) on you 2-3 wardrobe. All of your 2-3 trousers fall down, so Nana has taken nearly every single pair you own in at the waist for you! 

You still have a tendency to be a little Jekyll and Hyde, but less so than you were six months ago. But you are easily unsettled; a noise, the smallest of fallings out with another child/your brother, being rushed, me being the slightest bit annoyed or impatient with you, things like this can have you in real tears so quickly. You are my little sensitive one, the one I feel the need to shelter sometimes and make everything better for you. 

The biggest thing for you after your birthday was starting at school. You LOVE it! You run in each morning without a backwards glance, often saying 'See you later Mummy'. You've made little friends and are so excited to see them in the morning at the school gates! You won't tell me anything about school really though, I get little snippets occasionally, like what you've made with the playdough, or if you've done some dancing, or if you played in the garden, but mostly you come out of school and tell me you have done nothing! Little rascal! 

But I know you are learning. You absolutely blew me away a few weeks ago when I realised you could write your name! You are always so desperate to have homework like Xander, so I said we could practice writing your name. I went to find a highlighter so you could practice some over-writing - but when I came back to the table you had already written it. Your 'a' was spiraled and the 'c' was backwards, but it so clearly looked like your name! 

Its funny. We've been practising 'Z' for a while, but you haven't always been consistent, and you're still not very consistent - but you are already so clearly giving it a good go with your letter formation. When in the right mood you draw so beautifully - already thinking about the details in your pictures and wanting to practice your pencil control, keen to write and mark-make.  

You can recognise all your numbers to ten consistently now and count to ten consistently too. You know some of your colours in welsh and recognising letters and sounds too. You love it when you see a Z for Zac! 


You are fun and cheeky and wild. So often looking for mischief, making ridiculous noises and laughing to yourself about something. You think you are hilarious; hiding in our bed and getting ridiculously overexcited at bedtime, throwing yourself around, jumping on the bed, off the bed, roly polys the lot. You know how to be the perfect monkey!



You're taking more and more to being the big brother too. You've always loved Lucas but recently you are making so much more time for interacting with him; telling him he's cute, trying to make him laugh with funny noises, wanting to push him on the swing at the park, climbing into his cot with him to read him a book and stop him crying, giving him toys, or his dummy and telling me that he 'wants it Mummy'.  It is adorable! 



You are NOT a baby though and your don't let anyone forget it. You frequently remind me you are a big boy and not a baby, and at the mere mention that you are cute you very firmly say that "I am NOT cute, I gorgeous' *giggle* You seem to think cute is only for babies.

At three and a half you still love stories, fairies, pink and princesses and Happyland but you love magic, My Little Pony and unicorns too now. Your favourite is Twilight Sparkle and you told me a few weeks ago that when you're a grown up you want to be a Pink Fairy. Your favourite story is Room On The Broom, so-much-so you can recite it to me, and for book day you wanted to dress as the witch. I adore that you have no idea you're going against the grain of gender stereotypes at the moment, you are just being you! 

And you being you is wonderful. 






You are so full of love, affection, discovery and joy.  What a beautiful boy you are. I love being your Mama Zachy, you make my world brighter and I'm loving this year of you being three!  Keep loving life my Baby Small! xXx 





Saturday, 27 May 2017

Lucas @ Ten Months

Oh where do I even start? As I sit here in disbelief again that ANOTHER month has already passed us by! This is it, the double figure month, where the big birthday starts to feel so imminent!

I keep thinking back to this time last year; massively pregnant, with the onset of some pretty severe pelvic girdle pain, finishing work because of the pain and the third trimester risk of rupture. This time last year the weeks to Lucas's birth felt long and fearful, now here we are appraching his first birthday quicker than ever and I know by comparison the weeks are going to fly!

We have a truly beautiful ten month old boy!

Ah baby Lucas! Look at you grow! You are ten months old now and getting cheekier and more adventurous by the day. You want to be where everyone else is, so you follow us around now, taking yourself all around downstairs. We are going to have to put the stair-gate back up before long before you get even more adventurous! 

You are absolutely desperate to figure out how to get into the the playroom with your big brothers so you can play with them. You love nothing more than when Xander and Zachy make funny noises, dancing for you or playing with your toys with you. You save your best shrieks of excited laughter for your brothers - you are going to have so much fun when you can move along with them properly! 



This month you started Nursery and Mummy started back to work. Although you have been absolutely happy being left, no tears saying goodbye and had lovely days in Nursery as well as with Nana and Bampi, separation hasn't come easily. Your bedtimes and sleep have suffered. Oh the evenings have been hard going recently; reacting to me leaving you for half the week by suddenly being unable to settle in the evening, no longer willing to be left in your bedroom or go to sleep for hours after you should be. It was exhausting battling with you, so to be honest we stopped, and just accepted you were downstairs with us like your newborn days again! You were too busy making sure I was staying home to sleep. The last week things have started to improve again and a normal bedtime has been reinstated for the most part. Now if we could only crack sleeping through the night....! 



At ten months old you still only have two teeth - although the next two have been threatening their presence for a few weeks now. I can't believe they haven't cut yet, I'm sure it won't be long - maybe that will help your sleep?! We can hope.  

You weigh 18lb 7oz; putting back on the few ounces you lost last month. You are still in a big chunk of your 6-9 months clothes, although for length you have started to wear your 9-12 month wardrobe too - it is incredibly roomy on you however, and if you were a walker it would all be falling down! You are a little Little. The smallest of the three boys by a number of pounds at this age now! 

Your favourite things this month are singing Row Row Your Boat (you row yourself back and fore independently now!), books and your eggs; as well as an obsession with the remote control and everyones shoes! You are becoming a determined little thing when you have your sights set on something you want, hiding something no longer works and you continue to search for whatever it is even when its been put away. That's object permanence as a skill we can tick off then! 

Talking of skills, we've started baby swimming lessons again now I'm back in work which has been just lovely. More on the skill front; this month you have learnt to sit yourself up from lying down, and last week, on the day you turned ten months exactly, you started to pull yourself up to standing too! You still crawl like a worm although incredibly speedily as a commando crawl now and I'm beginning to wonder if you will progress to crawl 'properly' at all?! 



And now we're looking full steam ahead into another month.  Time is going far. too. quickly! With less than two months to go now, we've started planning your Dedication and your first birthday. Its all booked, your church service, the hall for the party, deposits paid on the bouncy castle, soft play and cake, potential Dedication day outfits purchased. Oh it will be a spectacular special day for you baby boy. The perfect celebration for our perfect baby boy! 

We're so lucky to have you Lucas, you bring so much happiness to everyone in this family and we love you so very much. 


Have a fabulous month being ten months old! 
All the hearts beautiful baby <3 xXx 


Thursday, 18 May 2017

Xander Big @ Five Plus Half

Can you believe this little boy is now the grand old age of five and a half?! Five and a half and full of attitude! Becoming ever more self-assured and confident, questioning everything, having an answer for everything. 

It has been a full on six months of growing and learning, exploring and discovery, celebrations and fun.  First school discos, frightening us with another febrile convulsion, a new top bunk bed, first time ice-skating, another Christmas, lots of dressing up for school, a holiday, a swimming badge, trips and baking, parties and playing. 

Having a five year old is pretty exhausting! Another year flying by far too quickly.

Dearest Xander.  I have been meaning to write this update for weeks already, but at the moment your baby brother has forgotten that he should be in bed by 7.00pm latest and so I've had little time with arms free in the evening to type.

You are growing up quicker than ever. At five and a half you are 107.5cm tall and weigh 41lbs. Mummy can still just about lift you up if you do a little jump to help me!  I'm desperate for you not to outgrow my arms anytime soon and it seems you are in no rush to out grow just yet either - so frequently you ask to be carried to the car, or in from the car, or upstairs to bed, or from our bed into your own bed. So Big but part of you still wants to be reassured you are still our baby too. 

Six months ago you had barely started Reception, but now the end of the school year is in sight. You're well into the routine of school and loving every minute! You're having a fabulous year with a fabulous enthusiastic teacher; coming on leaps and bounds in all areas , being taught to believe in yourself and that you can do anything and well on the way to achieving the Outcome 4 predicted for you by school year end. You are so bright and at the moment schooling is coming very easily for you.  

I've loved joining in your learning with you - doing homework with you, reading your home school reading book with you and visiting the school to join in with your family Thursdays.  The absolute worst bit about being back in work now is all the school time I'm now missing out on for you and Zachy, but I suppose Daddy is getting a turn to join in!  Last week you and Daddy had a Teddy's Bears Picnic at school, you were so excited to take in your special rainbow bear and enjoyed Daddy coming in to spend time with you at school. 

Talking about learning, you've made such massive improvement in your swimming lessons these last few months. It feels like something has just clicked recently and you're beginning to find it all that slightly bit easier. You're definitely not a natural swimmer but you try so so hard. Trying hard has paid off as well because you passed Wave 1 just before Easter and moved to the Wave 2 class. You couldn't be more chuffed and we couldn't be prouder of you for trying your best and persevering. 


What you are a natural at though, is being a big brother! You are just marvellous helping to look after Lucas; noticing when he needs something to play with, or someone to play with, answering his noises with the same noises and talking to him in baby speak. You are always trying to make him laugh and are so super helpful at keeping an eye on him for a moment for me - making sure he doesn't roll off the bed, or getting nappies for me. In return Luc absolutely adores you! You and Zachary continue to be thick as thieves or falling out. I love watching you play together, making up little games. Zachy looks up to you so much and is so desperate to be as big as you are! 


You are still obsessed with ages and frequently mention your next party and birthday - although not at frequently as you did on your 4th birthday when you were waiting for your 5th! Haha! You often ask how old everyone else is too now and asking questions like when I am such and such age how old will Zachy or Luc be.  

You're always asking about when you are the same age as Daddy; will you be allowed a motorbike, will you work in Daddy's office, will you be able to go in a rocket - it goes on and on. At five and a half Daddy is your hero, just the way it should be. You want to do all the things Daddy does when you are grown up! 

Your favourite things are little Lego, the iPad and superheroes. Your detail when your creating something with your Lego is just fantastic; little cars with boosters, planes with whooshers, seats that spin. You have a vision with Lego that escapes even Daddy! The iPad may be one of your favourite things but it doesn't always bring out the best in you! We've restricted the iPad to weekend afternoons only because of how stroppy and and unreasonable you can become if you spend too much time on it! It always amazes us your love of superheroes, considering the only superhero related film or cartoon you've seen are the Lego Batman movie! Your favourite superhero though is Spiderman, of course, just like Daddy.  So for your half birthday you got a Spiderman smasher, and very pleased about it you were too. 


At the moment your hearing is being investigated. Back in November you failed your first school starters hearing screen. To be honest this wasn't a surprise to us as we'd had concerns on and off for a long time. This time last year we even started the process of having your hearing tested; but before the GP would make the referral we had to clear your ears of wax and by the time we had done that your baby brother was due to arrive imminently and unfortunately the referral wasn't chased up. I'm sorry we didn't start this process sooner and "forgot" about you in the late pregnancy new baby chaos! 

After failing your first screen it was followed up by a second hearing screen, which you failed too. Since then we waited 12 weeks for a full hearing test at the clinic - which identified that you have Glue Ear, with a mild hearing loss on your left side and a more of a hearing loss on your right. Now we have to wait for your second hearing test at the end of this month, then if you fail that test as well (because there needs to be two full hearing tests before a treatment plan, which we and the audiologist think you will based on the length of time we've had our concerns) then a hearing aid(s) will be prescribed as a temporary measure until you grow out of your Glue Ear, which should be by around the age of eight.  If we end up going down that route it will be such a big thing to get used to for you, and for us. Watch this space. 



Ah beautiful boy. You are still our inquisitive questioner. Everything is what or why or where? How do things work? What does things mean? You are so full of imagination and still soaking everything up that you possibly can. You are going to go far, we're absolutely sure of it! 

Time absolutely needs to slow down now because we're looking at six, and that just sounds far too Big for my liking!



Keep loving life our precious boy. 
We love you, forever and always. Mummy and Daddy xXx  







Monday, 24 April 2017

Lucas @ Nine Months

 
Where did that month go?! Our Little is now nine months old. I cannot believe it. Within the coming weeks I'll have to start planning his first birthday; booking halls and activities and speaking to Pastor about a Dedication service at church. It all seems far too soon and coming all too quickly! It really will be July before we know it.   

Another thing coming too quickly now is my return to work. I feel far from ready to leave this baby for long days without me. Little Lucas who still feeds at least twice in the day, who looks to me for comfort and settling for his nap.  Ach, I know he will be fine and he'll soon enough settle without me. I know I felt similarly with his big brothers, but somehow, it feels all the worse this time. Maybe because he is my youngest and because this is the end of my last maternity leave. I'm now stuck in work for the next 35+ years! 


Beautiful baby boy. You are nine months old. 

Nine months old and you are commando crawling, sitting up tall and strong, super ticklish and babbling. 'The Worm' motion is picking up speed, and although you push up to your knees and rock on all fours, to move you drop back down on your tummy and pull yourself along with your arms. All of a sudden you are no longer a wobbling weeble sat up! You sit for ages now, reliably and balanced and you love it, so proud of yourself that you're able to sit and play. And my what a chatterbox you are becoming! You love a little conversation; talking back and forth with me, squeaking and shouting with all of yours uh, buh, duh, muh, brr and a whole repertoire of other noises and sounds! You are a little ball of delight. 

You have learnt to High 5 and so this is now one of your brothers favourite games to play with you. Everyone screeching and cheering in delight each time you match up your hands to their hands. Xander and Zac are still so thrilled by you, thrilled every time you do something new with them and learn to play that little bit more. 



My favourite things this month is you learning "Up" and "Kisses for Mummy". Now when you hear "Up" and see me coming you lift both of those arms up so high ready to be picked up, so excited. Oh and my favourite game "Kisses for Mummy" - I request kisses for Mummy and you lean in opened mouth to give me a big smacker. You love kisses and then the coos that follow. Heart swell. 

Your favourite things right now are your linky rings, your green puppy toy that says your name, your brothers, your Bampi and Mummy and Daddy's iPhones. You are like a little moth to a flame when you see a phone; oh just like your brothers! The TV is becoming more on your radar and I think your favourite programme is Mr Tumble! Tellytubbies and Twirlywoos seem to catch your attention too. 

At nine months you are 18lb 3oz and 71cm long. You are a Little Little, and the smallest of the three boys by a long way at this age now. You've lost a few ounces since your last weigh in which the health visitor was twitchy about, but I wasn't entirely surprised - what with all your busy busy moving now.  I guess you'll start gaining soon enough or your weight will plateau now like Zachy did - Zac has been very slow to gain weight since he was eight months old and I have a feeling you are like him! (The ongoing poor sleep like him included.... we'll skip by the long wakeful nights you like to throw in here and there... but we average three gets up at the moment...) 



My baby Little. Our maternity leave together has gone far too fast, I've loved all of our days and having you my little baby. I wish so much I could be a stay-at-home-Mummy until you are so so much bigger. I'm going to be so sad to leave you are nursery on Wednesday, even for your four hour last settling in session tomorrow; nervous that you'll refuse your bottle and go all the day without milk, nervous that you won't sleep for them, nervous that you'll need me and I won't be there. I think I'm going to be suffering separation anxiety as much as you! But I know eventually you'll be fine and you'll love nursery just as your brothers did there too. They'll do so many special and fun things with you! And you'll love your two days a week with Nana and Bampi even better! 


Beautiful baby boy. We adore you and we can't believe how quickly you are growing up. 




Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Lucas @ Eight Months

Eight months have passed by quicker than lightening and Lucas is getting so big now, a little boy now! Its been a busy month and a little baby getting increasingly keen to move. Which is great news for Luc but bad news for me - I was quite liking having a stationary baby!

Through the month he has gone from over-reaching and turning himself around and around in circles on his tummy to beginning to push himself forward; burying his face in the floor and pushing up with his feet.

And now, just the last day or two at eight months and one week old he has developed a beautiful little 'The Worm' style commando crawl. Forward motion, we have forward motion people!  


video


Beautiful happy boy. You are eight months old. Tomorrow it will be your 'out as long as in day' - 36 weeks and 1 day since you were born. I cannot believe we're about to hit another milestone along the way to your birthday. 36 weeks born and now 36 weeks old. 

You are becoming ever the monkey. One of your favourite games at the moment is to pull your socks off so you can play with your toes, still so interested in your toes. You'll be eating your food and trying to put your socks and toes in your mouth at the same time, it is very frustrating. Oh and getting dressed has become some sort of olympic sport! You will NOT stay still, your try and roll, your try and kick me away. There is always something around you that is far more interesting than putting your nappy and clothes on. Honestly, sometimes it is physically exhausting and I feel out of breath by the time I've wrestled you into your clothes! Maybe Mummy just needs to get fitter! Monkey. 

This month you have been very busy trying to move. Sitting up skills still need much work, but moving around the floor? You've got that mastered little man! You love nothing more than to spin yourself around in circles on your tummy; in fact you spend most of your time on the floor on your tummy now.... and now you can move yourself forward commando Worm style too! Our house just got even more chaotic - an on the move baby. You're pushing yourself up on to your hand and knees too and briefly rocking so I don't think it will be too many more weeks before that Worm move becomes a proper speedy crawl either. I wonder if you'll be our earliest crawler yet? I think you're our earliest commando maneuverer anway!  Your brothers are going to have to start watching their toys that little bit more closely aren't they Lucas! 



This month you're favourite toy has been your crawl ball. Well and wet wipe packets; yes you've discovered wet wipe packets and you put so much energy into finding a packet to hold. You've even managed on a few occasions to start taking wipes out of a packet! Remind me why we buy toys again?! 


You've been on your first proper weeks holiday in the last few weeks. We went to Bluestone in West Wales with your Aunties and Uncle and cousins. It was such a lovely time and you weren't fazed at all by being away. You had your first holiday, and first tractor ride, first finger food, first brush of teeth and first bash on the iPad all in one week! It was a truly magnificent week packed full of firsts! 

Your favourite food is currently parsnip and rice cakes (not together!) Which is strange considering parsnip is one of the few vegetables that Mummy really does not like! I was expecting a much bigger weight gain from you this month as you feel heavier in arms now and your face has filled out some more; but no, you are a little 18lb 7oz at eight months old. Two pounds smaller than both of your brothers at the same age!

We're still wistfully hoping you're going to re-crack this sleeping business again soon. I still don't understand how you managed to sleep for a month 7 until 7 (all those months ago, back between three and four months)  and now we're up with you around three times each night from around 11pm (and the evenings can be equally as fussy sometimes too!) Some nights we are 'up up' - not just for 'a feed' up! Yes young man, you seem to be getting into the habit a few nights a week now of just not resettling and fussing and being awake for an hour or two (or even more!). See, you're a monkey and sometimes Mummy is feeling very tired. Please have a think about settling down a bit more now when I'm back in work! 


Yes the dreaded back to work is looming next month and I'm already feeling so sad about leaving you. Your first settling in session at nursery is arranged and I'll be buying your little nursery bag sometime in the next few weeks. I know you'll be fine really, and I know you'll have lots of fun just like your big brothers did, but I don't feel ready to leave you and I'm not convinced you are ready to leave me. Unlike your brothers you're not entirely reliable taking a bottle of milk so this could prove very difficult for you if you decide to refuse when I'm in work and not available to just come back home when you want me to! I'm just hoping it all works out. 

You're amazing Lucas. You blow us away every day and we're all so totally in love with you. Our baby. 


Saturday, 25 March 2017

Just A Stupid Day

This week I've been riding a wave of anxiety. The worst in such a long time. I've been restless, jittery, panicky. I've let my mind run away with me. The nights have been sleepless (and not just because of the baby) I haven't been able to switch off. 

It took me a few days to figure out why. 

Mother's Day. 

Mother's Day making me feel this sense of needing to visit the cemetery. Mother's Day making me realise we haven't been there since Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Wrapping my head around the guilt attached to that fact. 

So its been there hanging over my head. Feeling like I need to go to the cemetery vs. feeling like I cannot cope with going to the cemetery. 

I wish it hadn't become this hard to go. I wish it hadn't become this huge ordeal to go. I wish going didn't bring the absolute worst out in me. 

I don't know when it changed. I used to feel useful there, like I was her mother there, like I was doing something for her there. Now I feel like I'm spiralling out of control when we're preparing to go there, think about going there, while we're there. Now it all feels too much. It hurts too much. 

So today I have been there, on my own. I can't remember the last time I was there on my own.  But the usual happened, I started to lose the plot, unreasonably impatient with the children this morning, pushed against Jon this afternoon, and this time stormed off. Did the visit on my own. 

It was different. It was calmer on my own. Calmer but not peaceful. My insides still all whirred up, uneasy, unsettled. 

I've made this weekend harder for myself than it needed to be. You would think I'd have learnt by now wouldn't you. A plan. Always have a plan. Be prepared. We've proved that to work in past years.

But no, didn't make a concrete plan. Winging it weekend. I think I forgot, last year I got to avoid it again because it was the same day as Jon's birthday. A mixture of forgettery and avoidery. Avoidery and not really sure what to do anyway with the end of maternity leave squeeze firmly squeezing us too. 

Foolish girl. I haven't helped myself. 

Why is this ridiculous commercialised day so hard? Why? It is just a day. A stupid day. 

I've vowed so many times I would get better at this. And I think sometimes I am better at it. But not this weekend. Again. 

And for another year I hope those beautiful boys, who should be enough, are mostly oblivious. 

This weekend I am tired.
Saturday, 18 March 2017

Snipped

This has been brewing for a week. Bubbling into a brain dump. My heart wrestling with my head. My husbands snip. 

Its done. Monday it was done. He's snipped. So we're done. 

Even though I already knew full well Lucas was my last. Even though I agreed Lucas would be the last. Even though him being the last was the right decision for this family for a whole multitude of reasons; mentally, medically, physically, emotionally, financially, coping capacity. 

Even though. Finality is not resting well just now. My heart isn't at peace with the end of our baby days, even though my head knows it is time and it is right. Even though I don't even really want any more babies anyway! These boys are my number.

But I can't help but wistfully look at my newest baby and will time to go slower and my baby days to last longer because I'm not really ready to let them all go; these infant years and my boys being all mine. Just mine. 

But we're done. A different chapter is looming and I'm not quite there.

It pains me to admit why my heart isn't at peace. 

A still longing for a girl.

Realising how utterly terrible it must sound when I still have so much. 

A longing for a girl that is entirely separate for my longing for Anabelle. Or maybe it isn't. Sometimes I just don't know. A longing for another girl we never had and never will have. 

What we got instead was magnificent, is magnificent. Three beautiful wonderful boys that came home. Lived. And fill our lives with so much life, love, colour, joy, healing. My boys so utterly adored beyond all measure, with so much to come, so much to look forward to, to enjoy, memories to make. A beautiful blessed life. 

But then there are those broken pieces of me that even they cannot fix.

The piece of me that is so fed up the sheer anxiety ripping through me every time I buy a present for a friends little girl. The piece of me that still after almost seven years cannot cope with girls clothes sections of stores. When what should be a simple decision like choosing an outfit or other item as a gift turns into this enormous heart palpitating ordeal.  The pieces of me that dread the endless bloody Princess parties that I could never throw for myself. The pieces of me that somewhat dread some close pregnancy and birth announcements because the 'fear' of a girl to deal with makes all my hairs stand on end and my stomach fall out. When conversations about family dynamics and so many fears of the future to come hurt and unsettle me because I'm now a mother of only boys and we lost our only girl. When you re-realise time after time after time all that was lost when our only daughter was robbed from us. Robbed. Realising I'd always imagined maybe another girl would heal some of this but it was never meant to be.

Unjust and unfair. Maybe it would've never have felt like this if there had never been a little girl penned in our lives.  But there was and there should be. 

Most of the time grief and life rumble along quite nicely together now, and the rainbows outshine the darkness. But that rawness lurks in the shadows. And some weeks, like this week, they threaten to jump out.  Because this week, snipped and really very finished now, has demanded that my crumpled thoughts have to try and let this go. And still I do not know how. 

A jumbled up mess of what was, what is and what could've been.


Monday, 27 February 2017

Lucas @ Seven Months



Here we are again, another month passed. A month of rolling and eating and teeth. A month where we're starting to see the very beginnings of who Lucas is going to be as an older baby. 



Days after his last blog update Lucas finally decided to roll properly. Now he is so fast to move onto his tummy that I can barely remember the few weeks ago when he was hardly moving at all. Rolling to his tummy is well and truly mastered, but although he can roll back the other way he does appear to choose not to on many occasions and shouts and complains for somebody to turn him back over!

video


This month Lucas has definitely needed a lot more entertaining and a lot more attention. Between a very obvious wonder week period and a month of cutting teeth its been a month of snuggles and cuddles. His happiest place at the moment is in arms, not even necessarily having to do anything else with him, other than hold him. Its just as well we love cuddling you baby Luc! 


Baby Lucas. What a month! I don't think we could have packed more into that month even if we had tried. This was the month you learnt to roll, and moved into your own room, ate lots of food, learnt your name, had your first go on a swing, attended your first wedding, had your first ride on a train and by the time I type this cut two teeth (the first a fortnight ago and the second within the last few days just after turning seven months old). 

Your teeth did indeed surprise us. At 6 months and 3 weeks old there was a tooth! Around three months earlier than either of your brothers, and low and behold at 7 months and a week old you have cut the second. It has meant a month of RUBBISH sleep for you, and therefore for me. The night you cut that first tooth we were up every hour. Every hour! The next night every other hour. The second tooth has not only seen multiple wake ups but waking up and staying awake for hours on end in the middle of the night too! Yes, I'm most definitely looking forward to a bit of respite from teething soon - as I expect are you. Poor baby. 



Your daytime sleep has changed too. You've settled into three naps a day now. Mostly of half hour in length but sometimes more and sometimes less, and still always better in arms! Daddy says I spoil you. 

You've moved into your room and in the cot have become the side sleeper I always knew you would be. You look so adorably cute all curled up on your side to sleep. Although I'll admit you have yet to spend the entire night in your room often coming in with me from midnight, or on a better night from around two. But I'm letting you off with your teething card for now! 



You are as gorgeous as ever Lucas. All 17lb 11oz of you. Your smile, your wonder at everything around you, your cheeky squirms and excited wiggles. You have such a beautiful nature. Just like your brothers. You can see your little personality really beginning to grow and shine; and it is cheeky! Obviously your brothers still get the very best out of you; you adore them, reaching for them whenever they are near to their excited squeals that your have held their hand or touched them or tickled them. 


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They're less impressed however when you pull their hair baby man! Yes you've reached the reaching and grabbing at everything stage which includes hair and my glasses. Other than glasses and hair this month your favourite toys have been your orbit rattle, linky rings and twisty rattle. Basically anything that has been small enough to get your gums around and chew on! You also watch your light up toys with amazement - your big brothers enjoying your dancing Beat Bo robot as much, if not more than you do! 



The last few days you've started your third meal of the day and are enjoying a range of combined tastes now. Its been slow going but these last few days you're starting to behave hungry, like your anticipating food now and your appetite is on the up; I'm expecting a chunky weight gain by eight months now Lucas! 



Well once again you've ended up in my arms whilst I've been typing this. I ought to try putting you back into your bed, it is after all past eleven. My beautiful snoozing boy. 

Taken by Forrest and Fox

Have sweet dreams tonight precious baby. We adore you. 


Monday, 23 January 2017

Lucas @ Six Months

My Little is now half a year old!

I cannot believe that six whole months have passed by since that long long hottest day in July wondering if we were actually going to be making our way to theatre at all. Six whole months that have gone by far far too quickly; oh how I want time to slow down, the clock to stop and just to keep him as my baby that little bit longer.  His every first is my last first, every milestone he meets is another step away from these baby days for me. I really do absolutely love these small magical baby days, and I think you only realise how much as they start to come to their end, or at least this is true for me. It is an incredible mix of wonder and longing. 

Lucas's firsts have been as exciting as his brothers firsts; still as mesmerised with amazement watching him experience or master something for the first time, and there are still so many firsts to come. Firsts for all three. But Luc's firsts are my last firsts. 

He really is a magical baby. 

There have been so many moments in these last six months where the daily grind of three little people has overwhelmed me. Moments when I've wondered if I was actually cut out to be a mother of 'three'. Moments when I've absolutely felt at my maximum capacity to cope and wondering if I'm going to explode with the pressure. Moments when I've felt I should be doing better.

 I can't deny that adjusting to three has been much harder than the days when I was adjusting to two - whether that be because of the number of children or the schedule of the older children + newborn was so different this time. It has certainly been a whole new learning curve. 

But each month that passes I feel like we're mastering the routine of three. Their differing needs and differing schedules. Little tweaks trying to ensure they're all getting equal time and attention. The school run is still exhausting and getting in and out of the car still feels like a draining military operation, but, I'm getting to the point where I'm not entirely filled with horror of contemplating solo outings with no back up! *Notes the horror will return when Lucas wants loose out of the pram*   

All of these moments have by far have been outweighed by the absolute joy of our three little boys. And it keeps getting better and better.  I love it. Three boys. The big two's adoration of their baby. The love the three of them have for each other, watching them be brothers. Lucas has just slotted into their little mix so perfectly and they truly are becoming 'The Morgan Boys'. 

Beautiful Little.  You are six months old now. Half way through your first year; now you really are getting bigger and bigger. Six months old you are 16lb 12oz heavy. In six months you have put on a whopping 10lb and 4oz of weight! My tiniest boy really did catch up after his slow start. I can barely remember what the little 6lb 8oz you felt like now! 

You've had a busy month baby boy showing us all the new things you can do. The excitement on your face when somebody walks towards you and you know you're going to get picked up. You so obviously anticipate it now, arching your back upwards and even lifting your arms as if to say up! You love being up, being able to see and look around. You're nearly always content to just be, sitting on someones lap or playing on your mat. 

There has still been no update on progress in the rolling situation - still so happy with your own company, and toes, that you have given up on the idea of movement (although you did make some attempt today to get to your front... watch this space...) but you have started to try sitting up. You love it. You are very wobbly, and need to lean on your hands and arms to support yourself but you are so proud of yourself baby boy. Sitting up, all by yourself! You look so big! 



At six months old your favourite toys are your light up rattle, your shakey ball you can grab and your jumperoo. Boy you love the jumperoo! It is quite incredible how much you can already bounce! So much so you've managed to rip the underneath of the seat! I think you're going to love discovering a whole new world of toys over this next month as you get better and better at sitting up. Your half birthday present is looking set to be a hit too! 

Finally you have decided you quite like the bath now. After five months of only tolerating the bath if Mummy got into the water with you, and screaming blue murder if we dare sat you in your seat, now you are absolutely loving it. You sit there and you kick and splash and have a whale of a time. You've even started having baths with your big brothers which they think is just wonderful - although they keep telling you off for splashing or kicking them! 

You are definitely super ticklish baby boy. The quickest way to get you to chuckle in even the slightest of tickley fingers on your tummy or chest. Your little face beams and you're full of gurgles. You are just the happiest baby. No matter how grumpy anyone in our family is feeling, we all look at you and you make us smile; I've watched your brothers be in the grumpiest of moods but in the split of a second switch to happy when they're talking to you.  You are definitely our happy place! 

Just as Mummy promised last month you are in your big boy buggy now and as I anticipated you love it! You look so warm and cosy snuggled up in there and the royal blue wheels definitely suits you. 


Sleep has been mixed this month. You're slowly emerging into a three naps a day pattern now although their length are as unpredictable as ever. Night-times have been fairing better - although still a mixed bag of hopeless nights and great nights! And typically when you're having a great run your brothers are not instead! *eye roll* 

We think you are beginning to teeth. Poor baby. You had a week when you didn't know what to do with yourself. Chomping on fingers and toys, red and flushed in the face. There is still no signs of imminent teeth, but then I remember your brothers being much like this too - the odd weeks here and there of terrible teething symptoms but months before the actual first tooth appeared. Maybe your teeth will surprise you and us and come earlier. 


Now we're into another month full of new adventures. This weekend you've had your first tastes of food and so far you seem to be loving it. With apple, carrot and even a bit of mash potato under your belt I wonder what your favourite will be? Tomorrow you're trying broccoli!  

Oh and this definitely will be the month you move into your room. Its painted, its carpeted - so just the furniture to build and finishing touches to go....

Another month that will no doubt whizz by.



Happy half birthday precious boy. 
We love you all the world, and more. 





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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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