Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 24 April 2017

Lucas @ Nine Months

 
Where did that month go?! Our Little is now nine months old. I cannot believe it. Within the coming weeks I'll have to start planning his first birthday; booking halls and activities and speaking to Pastor about a Dedication service at church. It all seems far too soon and coming all too quickly! It really will be July before we know it.   

Another thing coming too quickly now is my return to work. I feel far from ready to leave this baby for long days without me. Little Lucas who still feeds at least twice in the day, who looks to me for comfort and settling for his nap.  Ach, I know he will be fine and he'll soon enough settle without me. I know I felt similarly with his big brothers, but somehow, it feels all the worse this time. Maybe because he is my youngest and because this is the end of my last maternity leave. I'm now stuck in work for the next 35+ years! 


Beautiful baby boy. You are nine months old. 

Nine months old and you are commando crawling, sitting up tall and strong, super ticklish and babbling. 'The Worm' motion is picking up speed, and although you push up to your knees and rock on all fours, to move you drop back down on your tummy and pull yourself along with your arms. All of a sudden you are no longer a wobbling weeble sat up! You sit for ages now, reliably and balanced and you love it, so proud of yourself that you're able to sit and play. And my what a chatterbox you are becoming! You love a little conversation; talking back and forth with me, squeaking and shouting with all of yours uh, buh, duh, muh, brr and a whole repertoire of other noises and sounds! You are a little ball of delight. 

You have learnt to High 5 and so this is now one of your brothers favourite games to play with you. Everyone screeching and cheering in delight each time you match up your hands to their hands. Xander and Zac are still so thrilled by you, thrilled every time you do something new with them and learn to play that little bit more. 



My favourite things this month is you learning "Up" and "Kisses for Mummy". Now when you hear "Up" and see me coming you lift both of those arms up so high ready to be picked up, so excited. Oh and my favourite game "Kisses for Mummy" - I request kisses for Mummy and you lean in opened mouth to give me a big smacker. You love kisses and then the coos that follow. Heart swell. 

Your favourite things right now are your linky rings, your green puppy toy that says your name, your brothers, your Bampi and Mummy and Daddy's iPhones. You are like a little moth to a flame when you see a phone; oh just like your brothers! The TV is becoming more on your radar and I think your favourite programme is Mr Tumble! Tellytubbies and Twirlywoos seem to catch your attention too. 

At nine months you are 18lb 3oz and 71cm long. You are a Little Little, and the smallest of the three boys by a long way at this age now. You've lost a few ounces since your last weigh in which the health visitor was twitchy about, but I wasn't entirely surprised - what with all your busy busy moving now.  I guess you'll start gaining soon enough or your weight will plateau now like Zachy did - Zac has been very slow to gain weight since he was eight months old and I have a feeling you are like him! (The ongoing poor sleep like him included.... we'll skip by the long wakeful nights you like to throw in here and there... but we average three gets up at the moment...) 



My baby Little. Our maternity leave together has gone far too fast, I've loved all of our days and having you my little baby. I wish so much I could be a stay-at-home-Mummy until you are so so much bigger. I'm going to be so sad to leave you are nursery on Wednesday, even for your four hour last settling in session tomorrow; nervous that you'll refuse your bottle and go all the day without milk, nervous that you won't sleep for them, nervous that you'll need me and I won't be there. I think I'm going to be suffering separation anxiety as much as you! But I know eventually you'll be fine and you'll love nursery just as your brothers did there too. They'll do so many special and fun things with you! And you'll love your two days a week with Nana and Bampi even better! 


Beautiful baby boy. We adore you and we can't believe how quickly you are growing up. 




Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Lucas @ Eight Months

Eight months have passed by quicker than lightening and Lucas is getting so big now, a little boy now! Its been a busy month and a little baby getting increasingly keen to move. Which is great news for Luc but bad news for me - I was quite liking having a stationary baby!

Through the month he has gone from over-reaching and turning himself around and around in circles on his tummy to beginning to push himself forward; burying his face in the floor and pushing up with his feet.

And now, just the last day or two at eight months and one week old he has developed a beautiful little 'The Worm' style commando crawl. Forward motion, we have forward motion people!  


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Beautiful happy boy. You are eight months old. Tomorrow it will be your 'out as long as in day' - 36 weeks and 1 day since you were born. I cannot believe we're about to hit another milestone along the way to your birthday. 36 weeks born and now 36 weeks old. 

You are becoming ever the monkey. One of your favourite games at the moment is to pull your socks off so you can play with your toes, still so interested in your toes. You'll be eating your food and trying to put your socks and toes in your mouth at the same time, it is very frustrating. Oh and getting dressed has become some sort of olympic sport! You will NOT stay still, your try and roll, your try and kick me away. There is always something around you that is far more interesting than putting your nappy and clothes on. Honestly, sometimes it is physically exhausting and I feel out of breath by the time I've wrestled you into your clothes! Maybe Mummy just needs to get fitter! Monkey. 

This month you have been very busy trying to move. Sitting up skills still need much work, but moving around the floor? You've got that mastered little man! You love nothing more than to spin yourself around in circles on your tummy; in fact you spend most of your time on the floor on your tummy now.... and now you can move yourself forward commando Worm style too! Our house just got even more chaotic - an on the move baby. You're pushing yourself up on to your hand and knees too and briefly rocking so I don't think it will be too many more weeks before that Worm move becomes a proper speedy crawl either. I wonder if you'll be our earliest crawler yet? I think you're our earliest commando maneuverer anway!  Your brothers are going to have to start watching their toys that little bit more closely aren't they Lucas! 



This month you're favourite toy has been your crawl ball. Well and wet wipe packets; yes you've discovered wet wipe packets and you put so much energy into finding a packet to hold. You've even managed on a few occasions to start taking wipes out of a packet! Remind me why we buy toys again?! 


You've been on your first proper weeks holiday in the last few weeks. We went to Bluestone in West Wales with your Aunties and Uncle and cousins. It was such a lovely time and you weren't fazed at all by being away. You had your first holiday, and first tractor ride, first finger food, first brush of teeth and first bash on the iPad all in one week! It was a truly magnificent week packed full of firsts! 

Your favourite food is currently parsnip and rice cakes (not together!) Which is strange considering parsnip is one of the few vegetables that Mummy really does not like! I was expecting a much bigger weight gain from you this month as you feel heavier in arms now and your face has filled out some more; but no, you are a little 18lb 7oz at eight months old. Two pounds smaller than both of your brothers at the same age!

We're still wistfully hoping you're going to re-crack this sleeping business again soon. I still don't understand how you managed to sleep for a month 7 until 7 (all those months ago, back between three and four months)  and now we're up with you around three times each night from around 11pm (and the evenings can be equally as fussy sometimes too!) Some nights we are 'up up' - not just for 'a feed' up! Yes young man, you seem to be getting into the habit a few nights a week now of just not resettling and fussing and being awake for an hour or two (or even more!). See, you're a monkey and sometimes Mummy is feeling very tired. Please have a think about settling down a bit more now when I'm back in work! 


Yes the dreaded back to work is looming next month and I'm already feeling so sad about leaving you. Your first settling in session at nursery is arranged and I'll be buying your little nursery bag sometime in the next few weeks. I know you'll be fine really, and I know you'll have lots of fun just like your big brothers did, but I don't feel ready to leave you and I'm not convinced you are ready to leave me. Unlike your brothers you're not entirely reliable taking a bottle of milk so this could prove very difficult for you if you decide to refuse when I'm in work and not available to just come back home when you want me to! I'm just hoping it all works out. 

You're amazing Lucas. You blow us away every day and we're all so totally in love with you. Our baby. 


Saturday, 25 March 2017

Just A Stupid Day

This week I've been riding a wave of anxiety. The worst in such a long time. I've been restless, jittery, panicky. I've let my mind run away with me. The nights have been sleepless (and not just because of the baby) I haven't been able to switch off. 

It took me a few days to figure out why. 

Mother's Day. 

Mother's Day making me feel this sense of needing to visit the cemetery. Mother's Day making me realise we haven't been there since Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Wrapping my head around the guilt attached to that fact. 

So its been there hanging over my head. Feeling like I need to go to the cemetery vs. feeling like I cannot cope with going to the cemetery. 

I wish it hadn't become this hard to go. I wish it hadn't become this huge ordeal to go. I wish going didn't bring the absolute worst out in me. 

I don't know when it changed. I used to feel useful there, like I was her mother there, like I was doing something for her there. Now I feel like I'm spiralling out of control when we're preparing to go there, think about going there, while we're there. Now it all feels too much. It hurts too much. 

So today I have been there, on my own. I can't remember the last time I was there on my own.  But the usual happened, I started to lose the plot, unreasonably impatient with the children this morning, pushed against Jon this afternoon, and this time stormed off. Did the visit on my own. 

It was different. It was calmer on my own. Calmer but not peaceful. My insides still all whirred up, uneasy, unsettled. 

I've made this weekend harder for myself than it needed to be. You would think I'd have learnt by now wouldn't you. A plan. Always have a plan. Be prepared. We've proved that to work in past years.

But no, didn't make a concrete plan. Winging it weekend. I think I forgot, last year I got to avoid it again because it was the same day as Jon's birthday. A mixture of forgettery and avoidery. Avoidery and not really sure what to do anyway with the end of maternity leave squeeze firmly squeezing us too. 

Foolish girl. I haven't helped myself. 

Why is this ridiculous commercialised day so hard? Why? It is just a day. A stupid day. 

I've vowed so many times I would get better at this. And I think sometimes I am better at it. But not this weekend. Again. 

And for another year I hope those beautiful boys, who should be enough, are mostly oblivious. 

This weekend I am tired.
Saturday, 18 March 2017

Snipped

This has been brewing for a week. Bubbling into a brain dump. My heart wrestling with my head. My husbands snip. 

Its done. Monday it was done. He's snipped. So we're done. 

Even though I already knew full well Lucas was my last. Even though I agreed Lucas would be the last. Even though him being the last was the right decision for this family for a whole multitude of reasons; mentally, medically, physically, emotionally, financially, coping capacity. 

Even though. Finality is not resting well just now. My heart isn't at peace with the end of our baby days, even though my head knows it is time and it is right. Even though I don't even really want any more babies anyway! These boys are my number.

But I can't help but wistfully look at my newest baby and will time to go slower and my baby days to last longer because I'm not really ready to let them all go; these infant years and my boys being all mine. Just mine. 

But we're done. A different chapter is looming and I'm not quite there.

It pains me to admit why my heart isn't at peace. 

A still longing for a girl.

Realising how utterly terrible it must sound when I still have so much. 

A longing for a girl that is entirely separate for my longing for Anabelle. Or maybe it isn't. Sometimes I just don't know. A longing for another girl we never had and never will have. 

What we got instead was magnificent, is magnificent. Three beautiful wonderful boys that came home. Lived. And fill our lives with so much life, love, colour, joy, healing. My boys so utterly adored beyond all measure, with so much to come, so much to look forward to, to enjoy, memories to make. A beautiful blessed life. 

But then there are those broken pieces of me that even they cannot fix.

The piece of me that is so fed up the sheer anxiety ripping through me every time I buy a present for a friends little girl. The piece of me that still after almost seven years cannot cope with girls clothes sections of stores. When what should be a simple decision like choosing an outfit or other item as a gift turns into this enormous heart palpitating ordeal.  The pieces of me that dread the endless bloody Princess parties that I could never throw for myself. The pieces of me that somewhat dread some close pregnancy and birth announcements because the 'fear' of a girl to deal with makes all my hairs stand on end and my stomach fall out. When conversations about family dynamics and so many fears of the future to come hurt and unsettle me because I'm now a mother of only boys and we lost our only girl. When you re-realise time after time after time all that was lost when our only daughter was robbed from us. Robbed. Realising I'd always imagined maybe another girl would heal some of this but it was never meant to be.

Unjust and unfair. Maybe it would've never have felt like this if there had never been a little girl penned in our lives.  But there was and there should be. 

Most of the time grief and life rumble along quite nicely together now, and the rainbows outshine the darkness. But that rawness lurks in the shadows. And some weeks, like this week, they threaten to jump out.  Because this week, snipped and really very finished now, has demanded that my crumpled thoughts have to try and let this go. And still I do not know how. 

A jumbled up mess of what was, what is and what could've been.


Monday, 27 February 2017

Lucas @ Seven Months



Here we are again, another month passed. A month of rolling and eating and teeth. A month where we're starting to see the very beginnings of who Lucas is going to be as an older baby. 



Days after his last blog update Lucas finally decided to roll properly. Now he is so fast to move onto his tummy that I can barely remember the few weeks ago when he was hardly moving at all. Rolling to his tummy is well and truly mastered, but although he can roll back the other way he does appear to choose not to on many occasions and shouts and complains for somebody to turn him back over!

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This month Lucas has definitely needed a lot more entertaining and a lot more attention. Between a very obvious wonder week period and a month of cutting teeth its been a month of snuggles and cuddles. His happiest place at the moment is in arms, not even necessarily having to do anything else with him, other than hold him. Its just as well we love cuddling you baby Luc! 


Baby Lucas. What a month! I don't think we could have packed more into that month even if we had tried. This was the month you learnt to roll, and moved into your own room, ate lots of food, learnt your name, had your first go on a swing, attended your first wedding, had your first ride on a train and by the time I type this cut two teeth (the first a fortnight ago and the second within the last few days just after turning seven months old). 

Your teeth did indeed surprise us. At 6 months and 3 weeks old there was a tooth! Around three months earlier than either of your brothers, and low and behold at 7 months and a week old you have cut the second. It has meant a month of RUBBISH sleep for you, and therefore for me. The night you cut that first tooth we were up every hour. Every hour! The next night every other hour. The second tooth has not only seen multiple wake ups but waking up and staying awake for hours on end in the middle of the night too! Yes, I'm most definitely looking forward to a bit of respite from teething soon - as I expect are you. Poor baby. 



Your daytime sleep has changed too. You've settled into three naps a day now. Mostly of half hour in length but sometimes more and sometimes less, and still always better in arms! Daddy says I spoil you. 

You've moved into your room and in the cot have become the side sleeper I always knew you would be. You look so adorably cute all curled up on your side to sleep. Although I'll admit you have yet to spend the entire night in your room often coming in with me from midnight, or on a better night from around two. But I'm letting you off with your teething card for now! 



You are as gorgeous as ever Lucas. All 17lb 11oz of you. Your smile, your wonder at everything around you, your cheeky squirms and excited wiggles. You have such a beautiful nature. Just like your brothers. You can see your little personality really beginning to grow and shine; and it is cheeky! Obviously your brothers still get the very best out of you; you adore them, reaching for them whenever they are near to their excited squeals that your have held their hand or touched them or tickled them. 


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They're less impressed however when you pull their hair baby man! Yes you've reached the reaching and grabbing at everything stage which includes hair and my glasses. Other than glasses and hair this month your favourite toys have been your orbit rattle, linky rings and twisty rattle. Basically anything that has been small enough to get your gums around and chew on! You also watch your light up toys with amazement - your big brothers enjoying your dancing Beat Bo robot as much, if not more than you do! 



The last few days you've started your third meal of the day and are enjoying a range of combined tastes now. Its been slow going but these last few days you're starting to behave hungry, like your anticipating food now and your appetite is on the up; I'm expecting a chunky weight gain by eight months now Lucas! 



Well once again you've ended up in my arms whilst I've been typing this. I ought to try putting you back into your bed, it is after all past eleven. My beautiful snoozing boy. 

Taken by Forrest and Fox

Have sweet dreams tonight precious baby. We adore you. 


Monday, 23 January 2017

Lucas @ Six Months

My Little is now half a year old!

I cannot believe that six whole months have passed by since that long long hottest day in July wondering if we were actually going to be making our way to theatre at all. Six whole months that have gone by far far too quickly; oh how I want time to slow down, the clock to stop and just to keep him as my baby that little bit longer.  His every first is my last first, every milestone he meets is another step away from these baby days for me. I really do absolutely love these small magical baby days, and I think you only realise how much as they start to come to their end, or at least this is true for me. It is an incredible mix of wonder and longing. 

Lucas's firsts have been as exciting as his brothers firsts; still as mesmerised with amazement watching him experience or master something for the first time, and there are still so many firsts to come. Firsts for all three. But Luc's firsts are my last firsts. 

He really is a magical baby. 

There have been so many moments in these last six months where the daily grind of three little people has overwhelmed me. Moments when I've wondered if I was actually cut out to be a mother of 'three'. Moments when I've absolutely felt at my maximum capacity to cope and wondering if I'm going to explode with the pressure. Moments when I've felt I should be doing better.

 I can't deny that adjusting to three has been much harder than the days when I was adjusting to two - whether that be because of the number of children or the schedule of the older children + newborn was so different this time. It has certainly been a whole new learning curve. 

But each month that passes I feel like we're mastering the routine of three. Their differing needs and differing schedules. Little tweaks trying to ensure they're all getting equal time and attention. The school run is still exhausting and getting in and out of the car still feels like a draining military operation, but, I'm getting to the point where I'm not entirely filled with horror of contemplating solo outings with no back up! *Notes the horror will return when Lucas wants loose out of the pram*   

All of these moments have by far have been outweighed by the absolute joy of our three little boys. And it keeps getting better and better.  I love it. Three boys. The big two's adoration of their baby. The love the three of them have for each other, watching them be brothers. Lucas has just slotted into their little mix so perfectly and they truly are becoming 'The Morgan Boys'. 

Beautiful Little.  You are six months old now. Half way through your first year; now you really are getting bigger and bigger. Six months old you are 16lb 12oz heavy. In six months you have put on a whopping 10lb and 4oz of weight! My tiniest boy really did catch up after his slow start. I can barely remember what the little 6lb 8oz you felt like now! 

You've had a busy month baby boy showing us all the new things you can do. The excitement on your face when somebody walks towards you and you know you're going to get picked up. You so obviously anticipate it now, arching your back upwards and even lifting your arms as if to say up! You love being up, being able to see and look around. You're nearly always content to just be, sitting on someones lap or playing on your mat. 

There has still been no update on progress in the rolling situation - still so happy with your own company, and toes, that you have given up on the idea of movement (although you did make some attempt today to get to your front... watch this space...) but you have started to try sitting up. You love it. You are very wobbly, and need to lean on your hands and arms to support yourself but you are so proud of yourself baby boy. Sitting up, all by yourself! You look so big! 



At six months old your favourite toys are your light up rattle, your shakey ball you can grab and your jumperoo. Boy you love the jumperoo! It is quite incredible how much you can already bounce! So much so you've managed to rip the underneath of the seat! I think you're going to love discovering a whole new world of toys over this next month as you get better and better at sitting up. Your half birthday present is looking set to be a hit too! 

Finally you have decided you quite like the bath now. After five months of only tolerating the bath if Mummy got into the water with you, and screaming blue murder if we dare sat you in your seat, now you are absolutely loving it. You sit there and you kick and splash and have a whale of a time. You've even started having baths with your big brothers which they think is just wonderful - although they keep telling you off for splashing or kicking them! 

You are definitely super ticklish baby boy. The quickest way to get you to chuckle in even the slightest of tickley fingers on your tummy or chest. Your little face beams and you're full of gurgles. You are just the happiest baby. No matter how grumpy anyone in our family is feeling, we all look at you and you make us smile; I've watched your brothers be in the grumpiest of moods but in the split of a second switch to happy when they're talking to you.  You are definitely our happy place! 

Just as Mummy promised last month you are in your big boy buggy now and as I anticipated you love it! You look so warm and cosy snuggled up in there and the royal blue wheels definitely suits you. 


Sleep has been mixed this month. You're slowly emerging into a three naps a day pattern now although their length are as unpredictable as ever. Night-times have been fairing better - although still a mixed bag of hopeless nights and great nights! And typically when you're having a great run your brothers are not instead! *eye roll* 

We think you are beginning to teeth. Poor baby. You had a week when you didn't know what to do with yourself. Chomping on fingers and toys, red and flushed in the face. There is still no signs of imminent teeth, but then I remember your brothers being much like this too - the odd weeks here and there of terrible teething symptoms but months before the actual first tooth appeared. Maybe your teeth will surprise you and us and come earlier. 


Now we're into another month full of new adventures. This weekend you've had your first tastes of food and so far you seem to be loving it. With apple, carrot and even a bit of mash potato under your belt I wonder what your favourite will be? Tomorrow you're trying broccoli!  

Oh and this definitely will be the month you move into your room. Its painted, its carpeted - so just the furniture to build and finishing touches to go....

Another month that will no doubt whizz by.



Happy half birthday precious boy. 
We love you all the world, and more. 





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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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