Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 7 June 2020

In The Dead Of Night

3.00am and awake.   Partly because I worked until almost 1.30am tonight to finish writing my class reports. Partly no doubt because I took a long nap this afternoon. But mostly because I feel so unsettled. 

No, worse than unsettled. Tormented. 

I took myself to bed this afternoon because I could barely breathe. Between feeling constantly nauseous, my chest racing and feeling shaky, I haven't known what to do with myself. On the verge of a panic attack for most of the day.  Now here we are at 3.00am and I can't stay in bed for exactly the same reasons that put me there 12 hours ago! I'll try and sleep on the sofa in a bit even though I know at this point that at least one of my boys will be up for the new day in 2 hours. 

June has kicked in with a vengeance this week.   

Increasingly feeling that urge to run away again. With nowhere to go. 

The last three to four days have been increasingly horrendous. 

Every year. This never ending cycle. The reality of life after trauma. 

The June 2010 the replay. 

Today (or yesterday, as it is now) the 6th. The first major "what if" day among many of them; should of, could of, wishing something different had happened in hindsight day. Wishing a different decision had been made, wishing the dice had fallen another way.   Wishing even though I know there is no guarantee the outcome would have been any different if a different intervention had happened today. 

Swinging between almost wanting to feel grief in its full force because I need to feel it as part of this June process. But feeling so very tired of feeling so utterly broken and damaged. Feeling so tired of trying to function for the sake of everyone else.  Needless to say patience has not been my forte this week. Nor is it likely to be for the weeks ahead. 

Helter-skeltering. 

Probably not helped this year by the big plan changing. 

Probably not helped by the insanity of 2020 in general. 

Probably not helped by the Welsh 'Back to School' announcement this week that definitely set the Corona anxiety part of whatever this is into full drive. Although ironically being in work Friday and whilst writing reports into the evenings this week has been when I've felt most calm, in-control and like myself. Apparently my professional hat is helpful. 

Because it will mean changes to our now settled home routine; even if we've decided the boys won't be returning, it will mean I'll physically be in work more often. It means another increase to our household risk, and June is not the month for me coping with even a hint of increased risk. Because even though I know we're a low-risk family for Corona, so was Belle a low-risk pregnancy and still the absolute worst thing happened.  When you live with the fear of one of your children dying daily as a reality and you've been that tragic 'one in .....' before it becomes entirely believable and likely that tiny risk proportion could be you again. However irrational and ridiculous that is to anyone else. 

Probably entirely exacerbated by the daily "Belle's birthday" packages that have been arriving. Because what is normal about any of it really?   Items to create the 10th birthday that never was party two weeks from today. All the frills and fancies of a garden birthday party without the birthday girl. All for the benefit of her brothers. 

I still cannot get my head around Ten.  

Ten. 

I keep saying it emptily in my head and not knowing what thought to follow it up with. 

Just Ten. 

You might think I should be better by now. A decade on. But here we are, still barely able to cope at all when its all stripped away through my re-live month of the year. 

Its now 4.00am, and I guess I just try and go to sleep again. 
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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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