Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 1 May 2019

Foreboding

Today it is the first day of May and I can already feel it.

The foreboding.

The flicking of the time of year almost upon us.

How like the first day of May means it is nearly June.

I'm either getting better at recognising the signals and the subtle, but there, shift of well-being or it is just there upon me earlier each year.

The foreboding.

I was aware of it yesterday. That knot of my stomach in a ball as the month became 'nearly June'.  The here we go again while anxiety pops its head up and all the self-doubt that comes along with it.

And I feel so tired.

Yes that could easily be because Jon has now been away since Sunday. And I set the alarm for 5.30am this morning and did a long day at work.

And now it is 10.30pm and I should most definitely be already asleep before I repeat the 5.30am alarm tomorrow morning.

But this shift of foreboding today has drained me too.

Knowing my true to form pattern that a month from now I'll be spiralling towards my worst. Waiting for the weeks of feeling sick and however else my subconscious self will react to nearly June and June this year.

The juxtaposition; having so many wonderful things happening in our lives, a full life, happiness in abundance and adventures with the boys; Disney just gone, Croatia almost here and our 10th wedding anniversary in the summer yet living the heightened grief parallel life each time this season rolls around.  Two lives colliding again. The should be so strongly shouting along with the what is.

The build up to the 21st June feels longer and longer each year.

Already driving along a dual carriage way thinking how to theme and celebrate my dead daughters ninth birthday. What do nine year old girls like these days anyway?  Resenting that I should know that already because in a different world our eldest would be here to celebrate her birthday.

I couldn't do it any other way.   My beautiful girls only day needs marking in its fullest.

I know I will ride this out. I know I will come out of the other side. And I know on birthday nine I am the biggest broken record. A whole lifetime to go.

But it is so exhausting.

And it is only the first day of May.








Friday, 22 February 2019

Lucas is Two Plus Half

I wish I could say that I can't believe that my first post of 2019 is bypassing January altogether, and that in-fact February is almost at a close too. But actually, I can. I've no idea where the weeks fly by but our days and weeks are so full, and so busy, between work and school and parenting and running a home.  There is always something else that needs doing, so the nice little update I want to write always gets pushed further down the never-ending list. 

But here we are. I've prioritised it tonight after a week of tonsillitis and feeling ridiculously sorry for myself. Not to mention that my little Lucas has already reached the next month milestone, long ago already feels his half birthday. 

His second and a half birthday.  Two and a half.

If I could bottle him just as he is now I would. Just to keep this little piece of him just as he is right now forever. With all of his toddler cuteness, his cheeky ways, fledgling independence and determined streaks, wanting to be big but with still so many of his baby ways just clinging on. With all those mispronunciations and broken sentences where you can almost hear him thinking about every single word he says sometimes. 

He is just beautiful company right now. I'm so much more relaxed about the inevitable tantrums this time, even more so on this third boy and just absolutely enjoying myself. I can honestly say he is such lovely company, our little Monday and Tuesday adventures are some of my favourite times of the week - him soaking up the new adventure and discovery and me soaking him up before I have to give him away to school like his big brothers before him.  

I find myself with so many pangs of 'the last one' right now;  clinging on to him just as he is now, before he becomes a properly big boy and not at all a baby anymore.


I mean when exactly did he become so big?! All of a sudden he feels absolutely giant. Enormous. He has filled out no end and sprouted centimeter upon centimeter in height. Already he is a centimeter taller than Zachy was at three and a half, nevermind two and a half! (Granted, Zac is at the tiny end of the spectrum so it isn't a fair comparison). But it does make Lucas seem so very big for his age when he weighs just shy already of what his middle big brother does right now. Although according to my red books he is just on a par with what Xander was around two and a half. I don't remember Xander feeling quite so massive though! But then he had no-one to be compared to. 

At two and a half  Lucas is more than comfortably into 2-3 clothes now (which happened all at once over Christmas!) and 91cm tall. Mostly I just hope he doesn't hit 100cm in shoes before July so I can get him into Peppa Pig World once more for free! 

My darling Lucas Elias. You are just simply gorgeous. Mummy is really enjoying spending time with you right now. Every week we go on our little adventures and try new things together. All the things you hadn't quite got to do before now because our days were split into three schools runs. But this year we are making up for it! It all started with a bus day adventure, and since then we've been on all kinds of adventures like; soft play, autumn, farm, rainbow, vibe tots, boating lake, lego shop, christmas shop, library, swimming, cafes, shopping, cinema, more buses, trampolining, garden centre and this week a train adventure. And all the other ones I've forgotten too. We are having a blast little boy! 

At two and a half you love transport. Riding transport and playing with transport, cars, trains, tractors, rockets. You have simply adored your bus rides and train ride. So often your first choice to play with is the car mat and cars, or garage at Nana and Bampi's. You've discovered the Toot Toot finally and thoroughly enjoyed making the cars go all the way around the enormous track that I built for you.   You also love playing with your Duplo and Peppa Pig Toys; in particular Grandpa Pig's Boat and Peppa's car.  



You love singing and dancing and reading books. All the very baby books have vacated the shelves now; now you're ready for picture book stories with lots of the younger Julia Donaldson titles vacating your brothers shelves and moving on to yours. That's not to say your brother don't still enjoy them too, they do, but it is your turn for them to become your favourites too. I think we're already there with Gruffalo and Room on the Broom. 



You still love Ben and Holly, Hey Duggee and Peppa Pig, and now, being a big boy.... Transformers. Yes, following in your brothers footsteps you have discovered those Rescue Bots and they have become your favourite things to take around with you. Asking Mummy to make them a robot, and then make it a car again. And superheroes seem to be on your radar now as you're able to distinguish Batman, Superman, Hulk whenever you see something with them on when you're out and about or at home. That will be more big brother influence won't it! 

You have become a bossy little chatterbox my Little. Why for the life of me I had any slight concerns about your speech ability six months ago is beyond me; because between two and two and a half you have more than made up for it. An EXPLOSION of talking, words, ideas. Ideas that you are very firm on. What a determined fierce little man you can be!   And one of those very firm ideas is that I am your Mummy.  Boy do your brothers know it sometimes! "My Mummy" you shout at them if they dare to sit on my lap or cuddle me. Running over and trying to pull them off or if that fails climbing up and maneuvering yourself between me and one of them, or even if it is Daddy!   "My Mummy" you yell! I don't remember encountering this quite like this with the other two - how often we go through the 'No Lucas, I'm not just your Mummy, I'm Xander's Mummy and Zac's Mummy too and they're allowed cuddles as well.' 

Oh the glorious age of "Mine" - you and Zac particularly are struggling to navigate this phase. You thinking everything you like is yours, and Zac not having quite the maturity or patience with you and so battles back at you every time. Unlike Xander who spoils you incessantly! You get away with far too much with your Big Big Lucas!  Brother bonds. So very different with each brother now, but so very equal too. 



You've also got into this gorgeous habit of calling people "Babe" - that will be Daddy's influence. So frequently you will ask me if I "want cup tea babe" or "you 'right babe" or "that one babe" - and then there is the pulling at my arm and saying "play me Mummy"  Super talking cuteness. I know I will miss these days when you start talking more properly, with full sentences and less jagged phrases. 

It is amazing how much growing up little people do in only six months. At the start of September you had your last morning feed with Mummy, 2 year and a month and a half old. You still remember though, which is kind of nice. Even just today you've pulled at my top, patted my chest and said 'milk' - not asking for it anymore, but just remembering. Now you only have a bedtime bottle - and that will not be too long before it is gone either. 

Recently you've done an even huger piece of growing up! Just after your half birthday you gave up Dee-Dee. I thought it was never going to happen, you were so much more attached to it than either of your big brothers had been at this age. And in the end it happened quite by accident.  We had planned to go Dummy-turkey over the Christmas holidays and then we chickened out. Then, at the very beginning of February, Daddy simply told you it was broken (after you had bitten a hole through it), and you accepted that and went to sleep without it - with no fuss - I thought it must be a fluke. But then you did it for another two nights! Then we had a wobble night. But we didn't go backwards. Oh no - we are a dummy free household!  Now this bit of growing up I was definitely ready for. What a big clever boy! 



You really are growing up little Lucas. Whizzing through these toddler days and will before long be, gasp, a pre-schooler. While you were barely two I had already put your nursery application in, and as of September you have your place in your big brothers school in the Nursery class. Nursery class and uniform. It all seems pretty terrifying to me. Especially as you're my last  and I will have to put those baby days behind me once and for all. 



Our wonderful, crazy, fun-filled little boy.

We have so many adventures to have before you are three!

We love every day with you and love you enormously. 

Mummy and Daddy xXx 





My Photo
Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
View my complete profile
Instagram

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Blog Archive

Followers

Mumsnet Badge

mumsnet
Written by C.E Morgan. Powered by Blogger.