Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

What She Sounded Like

This is what my little girl sounded like, alive. 


This, the only recording we have of the sounds Anabelle could make. The beautiful sound of her little heart beating away. She sounds like a train doesn't she!

But then she stopped. She stopped beating and it is never, ever going to be OK.

A heart that should have long out-beat mine. I'm having one of those 'difficult to process this is actually my life' moments. 

Today is the first time I've listened to this since she died. For over two and a half years the recording has been safely stored away. The sound of her alive. A few days ago I got the urge to listen to her, my baby girl, after nearly three years.   

And it is painful. Because this little 34 second clip reminds me she really was alive. Of course I know that, but sometimes wonder if other people forget that she was alive even though she wasn't born. She died. Her little heart stopped and its the deafening silence that haunts me. 

We've been robbed of our daughter, our beautiful baby daughter. Xander has been robbed of his sister who he would have adored and there is a hole in our family forever. 

3 comments:

Jo said...

Of course she was alive, and will remain alive in you. Many hugs. It must have taken a lot to listen. Xxxx

Liz Gallagher said...

Thanks for sharing this Caz - what a precious recording.

I read this article a few days ago and thought you might be interested.

http://m.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2013/apr/26/brother-died-cot-death-giles-fraser

Liz x

Caz said...

Thanks for that link Liz, its a lovely read in a strange sort of way. I hope Xander has a similar experience growing up. He already knows who Belle. Ask where she is and he looks up to her photograph, its quite sweet :) C x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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