Sunday, 5 July 2015
23:52 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
Another June has rolled into another July. All of a sudden my life seems calmer once more.
Each year I react harder, more violently than the last, more chaotic than the last. The further we move away from June 2010 the less able I seem to be able to cope with present day in June. To top it all off this year I even had food poisoning (confirmed Campylobactor) in the week before Anabelle's birthday. Oh how the world kicks you a little more when you're already low.
She should be five. I wonder what our five year old little girl would be like. Would she be as in love with Disney princess' as I imagine? Would she be a Frozen fan like every other little girl we seem to know? Who would be her favourite? Would she be a little ballerina or gymnast or something else I would never have thought of.
I wish I knew her, knew her as she should be now.
I keep looking at Alexander just 16 months younger than she should be, watching how grown up he seems these days and wondering how much grown up she would seem than him even with their small age gap. The leaps between each birthday are so enormous and I ache for our little girl.
Instead her birthday was filled with usual rituals and routines; there were balloons and flowers and garden decorations. This year was garden fairy themed and we bought a wishing well planter for her little garden fairy to live in. Another birthday feeling emotionally exhausted and never feeling like anything we do is enough. Because it shouldn't be this way. Garden centres instead of toy shops.
This year my absolutely beside myself day was the Friday, two days before her birthday.
This year it was utterly triggered by fear. Fear that my new niece or nephew would be born on Anabelle's birthday. Fear that it, my grief was going to rip my family apart. Fear that I was not going to be understood, allowed to grieve for what was lost, or to find my way through June. Fear that more relationships that were important to me were going to be irreparably damaged and I'd have even less people to trust. Fear, because past experience taught me in a similar situation two years ago, that is just what would happen. Only is wasn't family.
So I spent six months agonising about my sister-in-laws due date, days after Belle's birthday with my first nephew born a few days early. Sometimes I felt agonised to the point where I felt at a crisis point about it. I distanced myself from it, from them, keeping the whole situation at arms length, the elephant in the room where I couldn't even talk about it. Self-preservation, not knowing how to handle myself or handle it.
Most upsetting in the distance was the comparison to how closely we'd shared our previous pregnancies two years ago, with those due-dates two days apart, and the boys eventually born two weeks and twenty two minutes apart.
I didn't want it to be like this, but neither did I feel strong enough to face my fears. To face me, myself and I.
Anabelle's birthday came and went and there was no baby; and suddenly those fears dissipated.
Six months of fear and heaviness lifted and genuinely I now felt ready to welcome this new baby. So I did what I should've done, should've faced months and months earlier; I let my brother and SIL know how I'd been feeling, and let them know I was ready to be an Auntie. I apologised that I'd been distant or if they'd felt like I hadn't been interested, that I loved them, but that simply I'd spent all those months choked with fear and couldn't handle it.
I was pretty nervous of the response.
But you know what, I should've trusted them all along. Because they had accepted my fear, gracefully respected the space I had created, understood it, understood me, worried themselves of the dates too even, accepted me and my grief and how utterly hard June is, how spectacularly I struggle to cope and loved me anyway.
A simple exchange that gave me permission to just be how I needed to be knowing they would still love me anyway. That acceptance made me feel so much stronger than I had in so long and even leaving me feeling on the road to post-birthday recovery before we hit July.
And so that is healing. Being loved and accepted anyway.
My new nephew was born a few days later, the day after his due date, within a week of Anabelle's birthday, and it felt absolutely ok. We met him this weekend and he is so beautiful, so much like Zac when he was born (you can definitely tell they're cousins) and has made me incredibly broody for another little Morgan tiny!
Another year where I spiralled through June, but I definitely took steps forward too.
|Our three babies, altogether.|
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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