Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Who is this little baby going to be?

It seems pertinent tonight, the night before we hopefully find out the gender of our little baby, to re-share this post (please click the link).  

Pertinent because FB reminded me today that six years ago, on this day, that we found out that our first child was a daughter. Six years and a day later we're might find out who our final child is. 

And of course our feelings surrounding finding out feel somewhat chaotic - trying to determine what our emotional response will feel like either way. 

Knowing this baby is already who they were always meant to be, that they are who they are; explicitly already a huge part of this family. I'm left in no doubt that either way - a little boy or a little girl - will feel like they were always a part of us as soon as they arrive, just like Zachary did. Ours. Loved beyond measure and completing our family in its incompleteness. 

But tomorrow I could very well be facing the reality of all of my 'what ifs' in my post in October. If I am - I'm still none the wiser how I go about finally finding peace with it, grieving it and putting it to bed. Acceptance. 

I do know that regardless I will continue to love my life of raising boys. My wonderful boys. 

I do know I'll continue to feel robbed of my girl. Because I am robbed of my girl - even if we have another one. Robbed of Anabelle doesn't change.  There was a life with a daughter that was supposed to be. 

Tomorrow we hope we'll be announcing who our baby is.  Either way, boy or girl, please be mindful that each and either comes with all the complexities of grief attached too. 

A boy means we're never having a girl. We won't deny there won't be sadness attached to never having an earth girl. But we will also be excited! We'll have our little trio of boys - and I can really imagine Alexander and Zachary as a three!  A real band of brothers. It will be beautiful, even if I will be well and truly outnumbered.  (However for the first time ever we don't have a name ready at this stage if it is a boy, Jon is completely uninspired and vetoing all of my suggestions - this is making me twitch that we might have an unnamed child at this point in our pregnancy!) 

A girl is a whole other can of worms.  We will be undoubtedly excited. Another chance of pink in this family, another chance to experience raising a girl.  A biggest brother who is adamant he is getting a sister and that he wants a sister. Along with a whole concoction of emotion around girls in general,  the girl we should already have had. A daughter after a dead daughter - I'm not really sure how I go about those potential feelings yet either - how much I still have to deal with. We will be terrified in equal measure. After all my track record of successful girl pregnancies is zero.  (We do have a girls name though, so pleased to be at least sorted there if it is pink.) 

Tomorrow is a big important exciting day, either way, but please be mindful I might also feel over-sensitive to some things, whatever the gender for a while. 


Hannah said...

I'll be thinking of you x

Hannah said...

I'll be thinking of you x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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