Saturday, 25 March 2017
20:45 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
This week I've been riding a wave of anxiety. The worst in such a long time. I've been restless, jittery, panicky. I've let my mind run away with me. The nights have been sleepless (and not just because of the baby) I haven't been able to switch off.
It took me a few days to figure out why.
Mother's Day making me feel this sense of needing to visit the cemetery. Mother's Day making me realise we haven't been there since Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Wrapping my head around the guilt attached to that fact.
So its been there hanging over my head. Feeling like I need to go to the cemetery vs. feeling like I cannot cope with going to the cemetery.
I wish it hadn't become this hard to go. I wish it hadn't become this huge ordeal to go. I wish going didn't bring the absolute worst out in me.
I don't know when it changed. I used to feel useful there, like I was her mother there, like I was doing something for her there. Now I feel like I'm spiralling out of control when we're preparing to go there, think about going there, while we're there. Now it all feels too much. It hurts too much.
So today I have been there, on my own. I can't remember the last time I was there on my own. But the usual happened, I started to lose the plot, unreasonably impatient with the children this morning, pushed against Jon this afternoon, and this time stormed off. Did the visit on my own.
It was different. It was calmer on my own. Calmer but not peaceful. My insides still all whirred up, uneasy, unsettled.
I've made this weekend harder for myself than it needed to be. You would think I'd have learnt by now wouldn't you. A plan. Always have a plan. Be prepared. We've proved that to work in past years.
But no, didn't make a concrete plan. Winging it weekend. I think I forgot, last year I got to avoid it again because it was the same day as Jon's birthday. A mixture of forgettery and avoidery. Avoidery and not really sure what to do anyway with the end of maternity leave squeeze firmly squeezing us too.
Foolish girl. I haven't helped myself.
Why is this ridiculous commercialised day so hard? Why? It is just a day. A stupid day.
I've vowed so many times I would get better at this. And I think sometimes I am better at it. But not this weekend. Again.
And for another year I hope those beautiful boys, who should be enough, are mostly oblivious.
This weekend I am tired.
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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