Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 9 October 2017


It is that time of year again. When my news-feed becomes awash with Baby Loss Awareness Week.  So many people with a part of their lives missing. All these bereaved parents I've 'met' along the way over these last seven years, three months, two weeks and four days

What an insane amount of time! A lifetime ago but yesterday all at the same time. 

It has always felt so poignant that Baby Loss Awareness week combined with the build up to Xander's birthday. Our wonderful first rainbow who came home. A week where utter relief and joy filled our lives and spread colour throughout it again. Our boy Big. We have such wonderful plans to celebrate his 6th birthday this week, we are very excited! 

In previous years I know I have been a lot more vocal than I'm going to manage to be this week. This is such an important week; breaking the taboo, breaking the silence around stillbirth and miscarriage. Baby loss affects so many more people than you could possibly imagine.  

But I cannot champion it or join in the capturing grief project this year. 

This year I don't have the energy to confront grief. I don't have the energy to capture it, or reflect or allow it the time. Grief is teetering on the edge of consuming me somewhat at the moment without giving it active space. Even though maybe that is what it needs. Maybe soon. But at the moment I'm deploying the "fill my life with distractions, happiness and excitement" strategies instead. I have plenty planned to keep us busy until Easter!

After more than two years now of being in a relatively settled place, once more it feels the two parallel and overlapping parts of my life are colliding. The last few weeks have been met with so much inward panic. I'm managing, my game face has been fiercely on, but I can feel it building, I can feel is spiraling once again. Anxiety intermingled with a grief that will never let me go. Absolute desperation for my daughter. 

There is so much I need to say here. This used to be my safe space. But at the moment I'm so out of touch with myself and here. I'm certainly more guarded than I once was and I daren't allow myself to spill. Not right now. 

This week, like every week, we think of our beautiful Anabelle Violet

Always missed, always loved, always everything. 


E said...

Caz have you seen the new website - stillbirth stories? It's been put together in part by a friend of mine who lost her daughter a few months after you lost Annabelle. It's had quite a bit of media coverage this week. The idea is to support peer support, to encourage people to talk about stillbirth and by breaking those taboos to help both parents and healthcare professionals. You might find it helpful

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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