Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Restless

It sounds absurd, I know. Because this time of year isn't a surprise. Hardly, I long know it is coming. But somehow the effect it has still seems to take me by surprise year after year. 

When I'm left wondering why I feel so restless, so unsettled. Why I feel like I'm not breathing quite properly or why I feel like I'm running on a nervous anxious energy. 

Then it finally dawns on me. 

I feel like I do 'simply' because it is June. 

Feeling restless and not really knowing what to do with myself. Today finding myself cleaning kitchen sinks and clearing out kitchen sink cupboards because I needed to find something to do this morning.  Currently looking at the living room and knowing before the day is out I'll have attacked that too. While also feeling unnecessarily anxious about the garden and knowing I won't settle about it until I've dug and weeded and painted and whatever else that I know is of no consequence really whether it happens or not. But it is in my head that it needs to be done. Some sort of grief and anxiety triggered bizzare nesting episode. 

Because chaos in my house this time of year just makes me, makes it, worse. 

It is June and all those dates are coming. When all the "if only's" and "what if's" feel more heightened that ever. When I'm left wondering if the outcome would have been different if the dice had rolled the other way on any of those days. 

If instead of stopping a threatened premature labour in its tracks on the 6th she had been born prematurely anyway and maybe survived it.

If instead of going to bed falsely reassured by a stupid heart monitor. I had gone to the hospital on the night of the 15th. Maybe they could've saved her before she died sometime in those early hours of the 16th. 

Maybe. 

But there was no instead.

So here we are. Another June. Eight years on. Re-living it all again. 

Waiting for the all important day of the year I can make it all about her, the 21st.  

Last night I ordered the rest of the unicorn bits for her planned unicorn themed 8th birthday. Today I've been to the florist and ordered her pink and purple floral arrangement. Soon I will start preparing unicorn B's and pebbles and sort out all the other pre-birthday to do bits. For my oldest child that isn't even here.  While at the same time buying the presents and early preparations for my youngest child for next months birthday who is. 

Sometimes it seems like an absolute circus. 

And I know it will pass, I know relief will sweep over me as soon as July arrives. 

But we're still here. The never-ending June 2010. 

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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