Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 1 May 2019


Today it is the first day of May and I can already feel it.

The foreboding.

The flicking of the time of year almost upon us.

How like the first day of May means it is nearly June.

I'm either getting better at recognising the signals and the subtle, but there, shift of well-being or it is just there upon me earlier each year.

The foreboding.

I was aware of it yesterday. That knot of my stomach in a ball as the month became 'nearly June'.  The here we go again while anxiety pops its head up and all the self-doubt that comes along with it.

And I feel so tired.

Yes that could easily be because Jon has now been away since Sunday. And I set the alarm for 5.30am this morning and did a long day at work.

And now it is 10.30pm and I should most definitely be already asleep before I repeat the 5.30am alarm tomorrow morning.

But this shift of foreboding today has drained me too.

Knowing my true to form pattern that a month from now I'll be spiralling towards my worst. Waiting for the weeks of feeling sick and however else my subconscious self will react to nearly June and June this year.

The juxtaposition; having so many wonderful things happening in our lives, a full life, happiness in abundance and adventures with the boys; Disney just gone, Croatia almost here and our 10th wedding anniversary in the summer yet living the heightened grief parallel life each time this season rolls around.  Two lives colliding again. The should be so strongly shouting along with the what is.

The build up to the 21st June feels longer and longer each year.

Already driving along a dual carriage way thinking how to theme and celebrate my dead daughters ninth birthday. What do nine year old girls like these days anyway?  Resenting that I should know that already because in a different world our eldest would be here to celebrate her birthday.

I couldn't do it any other way.   My beautiful girls only day needs marking in its fullest.

I know I will ride this out. I know I will come out of the other side. And I know on birthday nine I am the biggest broken record. A whole lifetime to go.

But it is so exhausting.

And it is only the first day of May.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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